A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am really concerned about the lack of a sex life between my partner and I. We have been together for 2 years and are both in our early/mid thirties. We've only managed to have full penetrative sex twice since the start of the relationship as I was finding it extremely painful and the last time was nearly 18 months ago! Whilst at the time he was really sweet and reassuring about it, he hasn't approached me sexually in a year. I wonder if the fact I was in pain has given him a mental block about it, however he told me he finds things difficult to talk about so I don't really get anywhere when I try to talk to him. I have been through every possible scenario (he doesn't fancy me, he's having an affair, he's working too hard (currently up to 16 hours a day at times so we can buy somewhere to live), etc etc. We still seem to get on well together but the passionate man I fell in love with seems to have got buried somewhere and I'm not sure how to coax him out again, or even if I can!I know sex dwindles after a while but this isn't normal. I love him very much and I can survive without sex, but I can't believe that someone that passionate has lost his sex drive entirely! Any ideas what is going on and how I can deal with it?
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male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (31 July 2009):
 Hmm, this is a touch confusing. I will first assume that before you met this man, you were not a virgin. You are very capable of having full, penetrative, painless, and hopefully pleasurable sex.
So this situation is a little weird for you, if your 'normality' is more frequent sexual activity. My confusion arises from your use of the term 'passionate'. If he were a sexually passionate man, I think you might have received a few more attempts, even if they failed, in the last 18 months. He managed to have penetrative sex twice in the first six months. Apart from intercourse, there are PLENTY of other options. What exactly was he passionate about? Can you go back to that?
You obviously need to start with your boyfriend, and ask him where his mind is at, even if he is a little reluctant to answer.
Then you need to find out why penetration is painful for you. Has it been painful in the past? Does he turn you on sufficiently before attempting penetration? I would imagine that most men do not want to hurt a woman during sex. It would put me off for sure.
You want sex. You want him to approach you to get it. But because he doesn't you are worried that he dosen't find you sexy, worried that he might be having an affair. Yet the last time he tried, it was painful for you.
If he were to recoil in pain when he entered you, what would your thoughts be about having sex? Would you want to hurt HIM?
It is possible that your pain may be putting him off.
I think that you should make every effort to find out why intercourse is painful for you. It might be simple, like you are not sufficiently aroused, or it could be a type of vaginismus, in which case medical advice would be needed.
In the meantime, why don't YOU approach HIM sexually? If you worry that penetrative sex might be painful, use oral or manual stimulation with each other. Other than that, a week or two of kissing and hugging without any type of sexual release can build up to a spectacular finale.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2009): Have you ever heard the saying 'Use it or lose it'?
It was painful for you, he didn't want to cause you pain so he didn't initiate sex. After a while this became the norm.
I think what you need to fix first is the pain problem then everything else will slot into place. Why were you in pain? Dryness? He's got a knob like a donkey? What? Solve that and I think your troubles will be over.
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A
male
reader, Stephen Stewart Nixon +, writes (31 July 2009):
 This answer is going to be short and sweet because I'm not a sex therapist. I think you need to seek some professional advice on this one. I would expect to have sex twice a day for the first couple of years of a relationship. Yes that dies away a bit when other things become more important but twice since you met does not seem right. As I say I'm not a sex expert.
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A
male
reader, IamSoConfused +, writes (31 July 2009):
Keep trying to talk to him about it and reassure him that you would like to try again with it.
He is probably scared that he will hurt you again and doesn't want that again. Maybe he is just so stressed by work and everything that this is not the right time and maybe you should try talking about it again when there is less things on his mind.
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A
male
reader, DLover  +, writes (31 July 2009):
I think it's a mental block: the fact that he doesn't like to talk about it makes me think he doesn't have much experience and since first time has an important place in our vision of things, I guess your disatrous first time really printed hard on his memories.
The fact that he was reassuring about it doesn't make this hypothesis invalid, since insecurity/weakness/fear is not sexy, we (men) prefer to send anything else, whatever that is, and it seems like his mind got on reassuring first.
Or maybe a low sex drive, combined with 16 hours days and an horrible first experience has simply blowed away his natural desire to have sex.
Or even simplier than that, he does not want to hurt you anymore ! "I was finding it extremely painful"... maybe you should tell him it's normal it hurts for 4-5 times, and it takes like 10 times to take pleasure in it.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (31 July 2009):
What happens when you make a move on him?
Have you tried all the normal things like organising romantic nights, booking hotel rooms, being there in a sexy outfit when he gets home?
Without knowing what you have tried so far, it's hard to know which new things to suggest.
Get him to take a holiday and go camping. It's not going to cost a lot and will get you away so you can try again with lots of sexy lubricants etc.
Good Luck!! xx
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