A
female
age
41-50,
*iz7900
writes:hello. i have been with my partner for 7 months. i have two boys from previous relationship. we have been living together for 4 months. after the first month he totally went off sex. we do it about once a month and its over in seconds. he is not passionate towards me at all and it feels like we are just friends. we talk about it and he says he is just too stressed(he is fighing for access to his daughter and is jobseeking)and just not interested in sex and feels uncomfortable with it. every other aspect of the relationship is fine and we rarely argue.i feel like i am going mad!i dont know if i can face the rest of my life without sex. i love him and would never cheat on him for sex but i dont know what to do. i have tried the usual, lingerie,etc. he used to smoke weed and drink a lot(not any more).has this afected his sex drive?does he just not fancy me any more? help please!
View related questions:
not interested in sex, sex drive Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, morechoices9  +, writes (11 March 2007):
Been down that road myself there were times i would actully cry tears because i was so hurt and felt undesireable,.well i got tired of asking and being rejected .I am having an affair right now and dont give a f*ck. if my mate would have been taking care of business it would have never happen,all i am saying you cant make him make love to you so find yourself someone who will
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2007): Been down that road myself there were times i would actully cry tears because i was so hurt and felt undesireable,.well i got tired of asking and being rejected .I am having an affair right now and dont give a f*ck. if my mate would have been taking care of business it would have never happen,all i am saying you cant make it make love to you so find yourself someone who will
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2007): hi just wanted to day thanks to everyone who has taken the time to answer my question so far - your answers have given me a lot of 'food for thought' and i really appreciate your opinions.
liz xxxxxx
...............................
A
female
reader, sasparella +, writes (5 March 2007):
Hi there, I am inclined to agree with the advice posted just before mine. I have recently ended an eighteen month relationship with my partner who gave me every reason under the sun as to we he didnt initiate sex. i too tried EVERYTHING and it was futile. By the end of our relationship, I was drained and insecure. I am normally a stress free kinda person but living in a sexless relationship played on my insecurities and brought me down. Due to the endless excuses, I never got to the bottom of why my partner did not want to have sex even though our relationship was 'perfect in every way' (it wasnt really if I truly analysed it)but I did realise that I probably never would so I left. I would rather be single and sexless than in a relationship and totally frustrated. Chemistry and desire are two things that cannot be forced and if you try to, the problems will spiral out of control. basically, I accepted that we were incompatible and if he doesnt want to have sex, he should be with someone who feels the same and vice versa. as long as you put up with this, the feeling of 'going mad' which I also experienced will drain you and your relationship of all substance. Ask yourself 'Is this what I have to look forward to forever?' If you can see yourself in a more satisfying relationship, then Its time to move on. Its harsh but like me, Im sure that you know in your heart that nothing will change. Good luck. x
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2007): My advice to you and all the other ladies who have posted the same problem with their spouse or boyfriend losing interest in sex, and refusing to get help, is to get out of the relationship now or resign yourself to what will become a totally sexless relationship. The first year we were together my husband and I had a satisfying sexual relationship. Then he began avoiding sex, saying he was stressed, busy, tired, etc. but he was "working on it" (although he refused to see a doctor or therapist) There was always some excuse but I was patient, didn't complain. The few occasions I would playfully try to initiate sex he would complain that I was always hitting on him. After many months of no sex his reason was "We're not getting along." Well, of course. Then after several years of no sex he said he "didn't like me" when I would ask why he never wanted sex.
With counseling I learned that some men are so uncomfortable with emotional intimacy that as the relationship progresses they avoid sexual intimacy to maintain distance. I also learned that my ex is a cerebral narcissist (there are several good web-sites that discuss this condition) and the only solution was for me to leave him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (4 March 2007):
 I think its all the stress thats going on.... You say hes jobseeking... alot of men when out of work do have a very low self esteem and a low opinion of themselves... that in turn means the last thing they feel is sexy!
Plus he has the added stress of fighting for his daughter!
To him he feels a failure unfortunately, and nothing you can say will make him feel any better. The key thing is to take away the added stress of a sex life until everythign calms down.
Once he is in employment, and he gets to see his daughter he will start to feel better about himself, and that life is worthwhile...
The first thing to go when a man is stresed or depressed is the libido... its a funny thing for men believe it or not.. we are all led to beleive that men are up for sex 24/7 no matter whats going on, but thats simply not true, they are as sensitive as us about these things and if they are not feeling sexy, or worthy, they dont feel they can do a good enough job making you feel those things.. They simply dont want the added pressure of having to perform and then feeling a let down.
The thing to do is to share and care with him and let him know that you are there for him and that whenever he wants to talk you will listen and understand. Be the place he can turn where the is no stress whatsoever... he will thank you for it in the long run by sticking it out with him.
The sex wont come back overnight and its not you, its how hes feeling ... Give him time to get things back in order and things will gradaully change as it all falls in to place.
I wish you will and hope it all works out for you.
Take care x x
...............................
A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (4 March 2007):
 Weed and alcohol are known depressants which can affect your sex drive but it does usually return to normal within time unless you're talking extremely heavy usage! I think he's told you it's stress and that's probably true when you think about the pressures he's facing at the mo. Do what you can to make his life easier. Make him nice home cooked meals, run him lovely baths, give him a relaxing massage. This has two purposes. It will destress him and make him feel like he owes you. Remember just as much intimacy can be created by cuddling and doing nice things for each other but if it's just stress I'm sure things will be back to normal soon.
CD
...............................
|
