A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have recently been in a very confusing relationship with a guy and although i know it is over, i am struggling to come to terms with it. I moved to the other side of the world to be with him and after a few months it was obvious we couldn't make each other happy. But we carried on seeing each other anyway and for the past month or so things have been really confusing! One minute he acts as though he is completely in love with me, the next he doesn't seem to notice i exist. I am leaving to go home in a week (after five months here), and we have hardly seen each other for two weeks. Every time we've met for the past two weeks we've ended up leaving it on bad terms. Things are tense - he is quiet or bad-tempered and i feel like I'm forcing him to spend time with me - so of course we argue. I don't understand! He has told me he is sad I'm leaving, so why isn't he making the most of my last weeks here? A week ago we had a particularly bad fight at the place he works. I was angry because i felt he was being cold and distant towards me and when i challenged him on it he exploded in anger and said that "maybe" we could see each other again before i left but he was too angry and disgusted with me that he didn't want to see me for a while. I was devastated. While i was there i also felt he was being overtly flirtatious with his female colleague but i didn't bring this up.It's bewn a week now and we've had no contact. I leave in a week and i don't know what to do! I'm just waiting for him to get in touch. I thought he was sad i was leaving so why is he doing this? It is making me feel insane! Should i email him and ask him for coffee? It feels like I'm being punished for something, but i haven't done anything wrong as far as i can see. This is killing me. Why does he hate me? He knows i love him and i want to see him. He knows i am leaving and he is the most important person to me here. It didn't work between us but this relationship meant something to us both. He told me two weeks ago that i meant something to him. So why is he doing this? I'm so scared I'm going to end up leaving without having heard from him again.This doesn't make sense and i am going completely insane!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2012): I think you just need to stop making him the center of your universe (or if not him, then whoever you're currently in a relationship with).
Realize that your relationship is just part of who you are, it's not what defines you.
spend time on your own traveling, or just hanging out and reading or relaxing.
You went there just to see him. But that doesn't mean you can't still have some adventures on your own!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): I completely understand how hard it must be but why not make this last week about YOU : ) if there is somewhere you really want to see before you leave, take a trip. Planning it and doing it will keep you busy, I always think being busy helps pass the time quicker and so then any difficult feelings begin to heal. I really think he feels the same anguish, I can't imagine he would hate you but is attempting to control the situation to minimise the hurt he feels. People deal with things in different ways, you seem to want to try and approach things and have a positive, neat end to things (which I am like!) where as he shuts himself off.
But definately try and make the most of your time here, life is very short and there are reminders of this daily. If he's shutting himself away then focus on you, go see somewhere or do something that makes being here worthwhile : ) Thank you for giving a little update it's always nice to hear back, it's his loss for not replying but there is still time x
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for responding. I think i have to accept that this really is over. I just can't believe that he doesn't want anything to do with me in my last week. I feel so lonely, rejected and bored because my time here was all about him and for the past week i have had nothing to do but worry about him.
I emailed him yesterday to apologise and ask if we can end this as friends. He hasn't replied. I'm so worried that he read it and was annoyed to be hearing from me and deleted it straight away. I am so scared that he hates me now. I have no idea how to get through the next week.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2012): several possibilities that come to my mind:1. He's seeing someone else besides you, or is waiting in the wings for someone else. That could be why he's ambivalent about you, it depends on what's developing on that other front.2. It sounds like this relationship has been one-sided, with you doing most of the pursuing and him distancing himself and then you reacting by pursuing him even more. Usually when someone distances themselves from you it's because they don't want to be "this close" to you, so if you respond by pursuing them it makes them try even harder to get away. That doesn't mean he doesn't want to see you at all. just that he may not want it to be "this close" as you do.why isn't he making the most of your time left with him? well maybe his feelings have now changed after your last fight. or maybe he has decided it's best to end this relationship so what's the point of spending time together now? The fact that the last thing he said to you was that he was angry and disgusted with you and didnt' want to see you, what makes you think that he should now want to spend with you before you leave? Why should his feelings have changed since his last angry outburst at you?I think it was a mistake for you to be arguing with him about not spending time with you. That rarely works to make someone want to be with you more. Instead you should be asking for clarification on what he feels comfortable with or not, and then YOU match his level of 'investment' in this relationship. You don't decide that he's in the wrong for not being as invested as you are, unless he has been giving you mixed signals in which case you again ask him for clarification so that you can adjust YOUR behavior accordingly, not to insist he 'live up' to his words because if his feelings have changed it's pointless to try to make him pretend otherwise.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2012): He is probably hurting just as much as you and in his own way is trying to move on from you. Why make the most of the time you've got left, act all "couple-ly" and then you leave forever? I agree it isn't nice to leave on bad terms, but you say yourself that you are finding it hard to accept its over and maybe he is too. Perhaps email and say that you are sorry for challenging him over his feelings. He's entitled to feel however he wants and as your not together, flirt with who he likes too. Also bringing up personal matters st his place of work isn't fair on him and makes him look really unprofessional in front of his employers. A text or email letting him know that you would really like to part on good terms may make him want the same. Hopefully he will get back to you and give you a chance for some closure on the relationship.I wouldn't expect prolonged contact once your home, and for both of your sakes if I were you I wouldn't encourage it. It'll only make it harder for you both to move on with your own lives. Don't dwell on what has happened but concentrate on what will be exciting for you and give yourself goals,it'll be some sort of focus away from him. Best of luck x
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