A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship with a man for 2 years. He is 40 and I am 50. We love and care about each other but there is a problem. He is not sure if he wants kids and I am unable to have kids. I have one child from a previous marriage. He told me he feels like he doesn't have the energy or time for kids at this point in his life but that he feels like he should have kids.His mom is also hinting at grandchildren. Though he said she would rather he be happy. He has an older brother who also doesn't have kids-or a relationship- and he wishes he would have them to make his mom happy. He says I am the only woman he's been with that he's felt like having kids with and that he could have a future with. We are very happy together and the kids thing is the ONLY issue. I am open to adopting, or surrogate/raising his child, etc but he is catholic and part of his desire is to create a baby out of pure love. Last night we talked at length about this and he said we would always be friends, no matter what happens. I told him that I didn't think that would be possible if he met someone who he could have kids with as neither his new wife or I would be able to endure the friendship. I also added that if I met someone, HE would not be comfortable with our friendship.He said, "let's just enjoy what we have until that happens, if it ever does."I told him that I love him and that I want him to be happy in life and if I can't fulfill his hearts desire, then I want him to move on. I don't want to try to convince him that what is more important in life is an ideal partner and I also think at his stage in life kids probably would take too much energy. I am wondering if anyone has been through this, how did it work out. It would kill me if he came to me one day and said, "I met someone." Sometimes I think I should find someone else who can commit to a longer term relationship but I've been married and have a full enough life and this relationship does make me happy. Over time, his desire to have kids lessens and I feel like it is only a matter of time until he will come to the place where he will be OK with not having kids. Any advice would be appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for your answer. it makes too much sense.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2012): I have little patience for wishy washiness in relationships which is what this guy is doing. I think you would be wise to de -invest yourself in this relationship because he's clearly keeping open the door to leave you in the future so don't invest yourself into him when he clearly isn't investing himself in you. If in the future he settles on not having his own biological kids then would it be appropriate for you to invest in this relationship. It certainly can happen. But unless and until that happens I would scale back your emotional involvement in this relationship.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 September 2012):
 I love to "go through the motions" of starting a family... and have dated a couple of women who, also, enjoy going through the motions.... and we have all/always known that we weren't going to be going for pre-natal care anytime soon...
BUT, we enjoyed what we DID DO, each and every time. Try that!!!!...
Good luck....
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