A
female
age
51-59,
*ayne
writes:Hi everyone. I would love some advice ...particularly from a male point of view.I have had a fantastic and fun relationship with my boyfriend for three years. We laugh, we connect , we have a great sex life, we have so much in common and we have plans for the future. My house is up for sale and so is his and we plan to get somewhere together. I am 35 and he is 46 so we really want to settle down. We have looked for the one for years and both feel like we have found it in each other. However, despite all the great times he really has his moody moments. In fact that is an understatement. Every couple of weeks after being so loving and affectionate and caring for a while he turns the other way. He overreacts to the slightest thing and flies off the handle with me. He snaps and swears at me for making mistakes. Just things that most people would not be that bothered about. He overreacts and is totally intolerant of mistakes. I feel at those times like i am walking on eggshells and very uncomfortable and upset. Nothing physical from him...just emotional. It is usually followed by him blaming me for his moods and him not contacting me for a few days. He usually then comes back as if nothing has happened. Meanwhile i wait for him in disbelief with my stomach churning, wondering what to do which i dont want to be like as i am a strong intelligent woman. Most of the time he acts like i am the sexiest most wonderful woman ever and treats me well, yet i dont understand why he can be like jekyll and hyde. This time he snapped over me not topping up the central heating with water even though i did not know it needed it and also not going out for milk. He left for home and i said see you later in the week. He said no you wont and that was the last i heard from him two days ago. He also has an ex wife who keeps emailing him and sending him half naked photos of herself and it really bothers me. How can he seem so devoted to me and so excited about the future one day yet turn on me the next? Should i contact him? If i just leave him to it will he come back?
View related questions:
ex-wife, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008): google it! There is heaps out there, equally have a good look at other postings here, it will freak you out!
One thing which is awesome about this site, is we can benefit and take all of the possibilities into consideration with others help. I will say that this has allowed me, to discover and get to the bottom of my woes and recognise just how much I ignored in my own relationships. Sometimes it is easier to do this, than face things front on. This action, then becomes our problem and not so much about the partners we choose. It is more about what we do to allow it. Rarely hard to know your allowing it until it starts to hurt!
I am glad I understood, many of us do. The web has alot of information, goole as I say and start to get to know some of the Aunts here with wonderful sound and honest advice!
Once you see and understand what is happening, perhaps why, then you can be stronger with your decisions!
A
female
reader, kayne +, writes (27 March 2008):
kayne is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI forgot to ask you in my last message Tuatara...where can i find more info on the signs of an emotionally abusive relationship? Thanks so much for your advice. xxx
...............................
A
female
reader, kayne +, writes (27 March 2008):
kayne is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow Tuatara your reply was like reading the whole story of my relationship with him. You described everything exactly as it is. I have done nothing but love him and be there for him and have always looked forward to the times when he has been so wonderful and we have felt so happy...because it feels amazing and for quite long periods of time too ....so i do then feel that all is set for the future. He even tells me it is.
When you said "You will feel that this man gives you something you have not felt yet with anyone else. You will think he is a soul mate and it is all meant to be. But deep down, your terrified you may have made a mistake and maybe now your feeling that feeling, and don't know, now, what to do." Thats how i feel. I can never understand that switch in him that makes him get verbally abusive every time there is a source of stress or something is not going his way and he belittles me and chips away at me by his nastiness at times. He has sapped my inner strength over three years of this rollercoaster and i have lost so many friends that he has driven away. It has all been so intense and passionate but also so painful....especially with his ex wife always being there. I have lived my life for my fix of him over the past few years and felt terrible when he has not been there for me.
I am determined now to rebuild my strength and get my glow back. I have so much going for me i want to get out there and create a great life for myself ...but i am also scared i will not find the intense love and happiness again with anyone else that i have felt during the good times i have had with him.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008): I agree with the other answers here. I am not sure though if you will see if as we do.
I have had two abusive relationships, and until they ended, I did not see it. I was confused and concerned that there was something which made these guys behave this way, and NEVER once considered it abusive, until I stepped back and took a closer look from the outside in!
One thing which ALWAYS was evident, was that when something was a bit tricky, a problem to solve, a decision to make or general stress related issues, THEY BECAME ARSHOLES. Some will say all of us handle stress differently and all of us have our own way of dealing with things, I used that as the excuse to make it okay with me. Unfortunately this has been disastourous for me, and made no difference to the facts.
I would suggest you take a very close look at this relationship. Objectively. Think about all of those things which were perhaps an overreaction or simply unacceptable. Consider that someone in a committed long term mutually loving relationship, does not 'disappear', 'make you walk on eggshells because of their mood'. If you think about your man, and the rollacoaster of feelings you have with him, think about how they have progressed, how at first, you brushed it off and condone something which didn't sit right with you, think back and now on how he is making you feel. Really feel. Forget all the woffly love stuff. Firstly you need to understand that even if you love him, which happens, it doesn't necessarily mean he is right for you. We get so caught up, understandibly in the "but I love him". That tends to be the thing which allows us to go into denial, as others have said.
When you think all is set for your future, and you have that deep inner voice saying to you, "Hey is this really the best road to take?", normally, we ignore it. You do not have to take this road, even if you thought at the time when you decided, it was for the best. You have not yet started up your home with him, i.e. purchased. So hold off until you have closure to this big issue in your relationship. It will not go away.
I loved both of the men who treated me, at times, "like a princess and the light of their life", and at times, when the distaste for me oozed out of their poors. When they enjoyed my love and support, and when they dissappeared with their own objectives. By the time this happened to me and was harmful, I had lost some of my inner strength as it had been slowly chipped away. I have often wondered how I could have been so blind. How I could be so forgiving. What I have realised now, with the help of some good kind souls, one in particular here, that hoping for the best, is not a way to live.
You will feel that this man gives you something you have not felt yet with anyone else. You will think he is a soul mate and it is all meant to be. But deep down, your terrified you may have made a mistake and maybe now your feeling that feeling, and don't know, now, what to do.
Ask yourself some pretty important questions honey. Go way back to how you two got involved. Did it happen when both of you actually new what you wanted and where doing. Or did this relationship evolve, through initially little thought about a future together, and now you flowing on with something perhaps he in particular, is not yet convinced about.
You cannot ignore his ex, you cannot ignore his poor treatment of things and you when he is being all manly and proud. Not going to be told what to do!, ignore all of that, and start to feel and look closely at this man and your possible future with him. I was pushed around by both these men, to a point where I later look so forwards to the warm fuzzies and that adoring attention, I didn't realise that this was how they controlled me. It was like a fix. When you step back, see it, suddenly the 'fix' is not enough and you have had it with the way THEY are in the relationship. It eventually becomes more about you, than them. At that place, I then saw things for what they really are.
I hope this helps. Explore the information about abusive relationships, how they work and what to recognise.
All the best. xxx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008): Wake up and smell the coffee.This is called Domestic Abuse.
What he is doing is undermining your self confidence and self esteem, so you blame yourself for his abusive behaviour.
He is then 'loving and affectionate' This is called' hearts and flowers' to lull you back to feeling OK, and then the abuse will repeat itself.
How do you know his wife sends pictures? Does he tell you?
This is probably a ploy to undermine you again.
Soon he will try to control you further and will be physically abusive to, although I have known many abusers you enjoy the emotional torture without being physical.
They control who you see, cut you off from friends and family, restrict your money, the list goes on.
If any of this is ringing bells then leave. Don't tell him where. Make sure you have support and contact professionals such as woman refuge who can give you advice and some where to go. Over five woman a week in the UK are killed by domestic Violence.
This is not normal loving behaviour, so please don't justify it!
...............................
A
female
reader, shnooges123  +, writes (27 March 2008):
He sounds like he is scared to sommit. When things are going so good he freaks out. You need to let him figure out what he wants. Don't call him. If he really loves you he will realize that freaking out over little things isn't worth it. Your suppose to be a team. If you really mean something to him he will come around and if not then it was meant to be. You DESERVE to be treated like a queen and respected. Its hard but theres a ton of fish in the sea and sometimes letting go of something you think is so great is for the good bc something greater comes along! Hang in there!
...............................
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (27 March 2008):
 Sounds like the classic warning signs of a future abusive partner to me.
Now he may have issues in his life, stress at work, worries about the future, but the way he takes it out on you just sends up a red flag to me.
I would cool of the relationship, see if you can get him to talk, during his "good" period and figure out what is causing the mood swings.
You really only got two options, run like hell or try and get him to seek help for his moodswings and him taking out his frustration on his partner. Whatever you do, do not move forward in the relationship until it is sorted out.
Oh and promises mean nothing. Actions are what counts.
...............................
|
