A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am so angry and don't know were to begin with this....I will explain as best I can so please be patient...my boyfriend has an ex wife and two kids of 15 and 17. I am finding it hard to trust him lately as he keeps going out for hours and I get no phone call from him for hours and then he turns up with a lame excuse!he 'lives' with me ie stays with me 24/7 but doesn't contribute- he doesn't tell his family or anyone he is with me which I find disrespectfull and disloyal!on Thursday, he did his usual 'going to see the kids' thing! he calls me half an hour later and I realise that the kids arnt actually there- he had just been sitting there with the ex! he claims he didn't know the kids wouldn't be there, I don't believe him!then later on we spoke on the phone and he tells me that this weekend(lastnight and tonight) he has to stay there because she is away for the weekend and he has to stay with the kids! well I wasn't happy about this- and in all honesty know one is going to talk me around on that one I am not and will never be happy with that! I made it clear to him that if he chose to stay at the ex's house overnight that would be us finished for good! his reply was ;ive got to' so I told him its not up for discussion, we are through! I got rid of my phone straight away so he couldn't contact me and I have turned my doorbell off!my problem now is my anger!!!!! he told me he knew that he had to stay there this weekend, he knew for atleast a few weejs and didn't bother saying anything! He moaned to me constantly about loyalty because I dare say hello to other men! and then he goes and does that- were the hell was his loyalty to me? were the hell was his respect to me? any man in that situation should have said 'no I am not staying there overnight because my girlfriend wouldn't like it'!I just know there is going to be a handful of women out there who will say ''he did it for his kids etc you should understand' my pre-response to that is NO!! I will never 'understand' that! to me it is wrong, it is dis-respectful, it is inconsiderate, and it is disloyal!! To me, it is crossing the line and he knew it, he deceived me by lying to me about it for weeks on end knowing I would leave if he did it!I cant handle all this anger boiling up inside me! its too much! I am walking around like I am about to kill someone!I don't want him back, I never want him back, all I feel is hatred at being made to look stupid, at being lied too, at being used! that's how I feel and I cant shake it off! I don't know if I want to shake it off because if I do- I may speak to him and I don't want too!I don't know what im asking for......probably somebody to make me feel a little better I suppose, I suppose I have come here to vent my frustration.can somebody just tell me firstly how to remain calm, and secondly how to overcome all of this!
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male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (4 November 2013):
He didn't do anything wrong. He was being himself and you just put up with it for too long. Some women would have been able to handle the terms of the relationship that he could give them, you obviously couldn't. Instead of sticking around with him you should have dumped him awhile ago.
So, help yourself by admitting that. It's a lot easier to forgive yourself than it would be to forgive him. Admit your mistakes, forgive yourself and learn a lesson. The lesson being don't ignore the warning signs for so long that it makes you spontaneously combust.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 November 2013):
 I agree 100% with WiseOwle that the person you are really angry with is yourself. And that's OK.
the fact that you have allowed this man to mooch off of you for god knows how long is frustrating...
the fact that he's using you with your consent is frustrating...
You wisely understand that once you forgive yourself you may be willing to talk to him and you don't want that... understood.. but you need to forgive yourself your error in judgement and move on from this user.
consider that this experience has made you "older and wiser" and use it as a growing and stepping point to NEVER ever let any one take advantage of your good heart and generous nature again.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 November 2013):
 I have to say, I understand your anger. Without a doubt. And I think like WiseOwlE said, you are more angry at yourself then him, because you saw this coming over and over and you allowed it in the past because that is what you thought was expected of you.
He "knew" ahead of time that he had to spend the week-end but didn't tell you. He either didn't want to tell you because he knew it would upset you and then he would have to "try" and find a way around that or he just couldn't be bothered.
YES, I understand that his kids should always come first, and perhaps the 17 & 15 year old aren't trust worthy enough to stay by themselves, so again I can understand the supervision. But like, several aunts pointed out, he COULD have told you, he COULD have arranged for something else (like grandparents or your place). He chose not to.
HE IS A MOOCHER! Lives with you, doesn't pay a dime. When ever you are mad over something he goes "spend" time with the kids (aka mooch) his ex-wife.
Stop beating yourself up. Stop the anger. There really aren't any use for it. BE GLAD he is OUT, that you are no longer taking care of this grown man child who acts as selfish as a 5 year old.
Write it all down in a letter - a journal, give it a week or two - re-read it them burn it and move on.
HE isn't worth it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2013): I would kick him to the curb only because he lives of you. That's number one.
He goes to stay with "kids" because mommy is not there. That's a joke, right? At 17 I went in a car across the country with a friend to college, no mommy or daddy.
He keeps you a secret, why, you are not good enough to be shown to his friends and family? I think he uses you for a free lodging. Also how old is he? He must be at least 40 to have kids that age. Isn't it a bit too old for you?
So, anyway, you did the right thing by dumping your old leach lying no good boyfriend. And please don't let any other men to use you like that.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (3 November 2013):
 I'm not sure what women would say you should just understand. that would be horrific advice.
I'm afraid my response will certainly not calm your nerves and make you less angry. In fact, it will probably add more fuel to your fire. Which perhaps maybe you need at the moment, in order to stay pissed and not take him back of even consider it.
What he did by going over there was completely crossing the line. He didn't have to stay over there. One of the kids is 17 for Christ's sake. He/she could look over the house while your ex is gone. If not that, than why couldn't the kids come stay over at your place with him?
I feel pretty compelled that he's cheating. In fact, I'm almost certain of it. Are you sure this woman was even going out of town? Is there a way to find out?
You say he was just sitting with his ex earlier, just the two of them, when he claimed to be going to see his kids. And he claimed he didn't know they weren't going to be there? Please. There's this thing called a phone. you know he had contacted his ex prior to coming over. He didn't just show up. she would have told him they weren't there.
It sounds like he's trying to rehash something with this woman. Or at least just sleep with her. You definitely made the right decision getting rid of him.
Stick to your guns on this one!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2013): I think your anger is with yourself; because letting go isn't easy. It frustrates you that he's at her house. He has a built-in excuse; and it feels like he has a backup plan, and doesn't really care that it bothers you. You've have probably thrown him out dozens of times. How many times did you you say it's over for good? You're feeling totally powerless. Your threats ring hollow; because he knows you'll take him back.Guess what? His ex is in cahoots on the sidelines. She likes drama. It's time to pull yourself out of this rut, and let him be the monkey on his ex-wife's back. He uses you; but remember, he could only do it if you let him.He's a total loser and you're letting him get under your skin. Change the locks and stick to your guns this time. You're still in your twenties, and putting up with this crap?Kick his lazy ass to the curb, and just fly solo for a while. Give yourself a break emotionally, and just enjoy a being a young single lady with no baggage. Let his ex-wife envy you while you spring back from hell. Stop stressing yourself out with some woman's recycled garbage.She's in cahoots on the sidelines. Pushing your buttons. He's some old-guy with two homes, two kids for scapegoats, and two women he can sponge off any time he likes. What a setup?!!!
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A
male
reader, M Proops +, writes (3 November 2013):
Looks like you're "ex" boyfriend had a lot of luggage.Why did they divorce in the first place? He sounds a lot older than you.Who babysits a 17 year old?You're better off without him,calm down and learn from the experience.There's plenty more fish in the sea,you're still young.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2013): Calm down.. This too shall pass..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2013): Firstly, I am sorry you are feeling like this.Secondly, you need to understand he is a father, and his children should always come first. And he is not being disloyal to you in any way when he does put them first....that should not be an issue for you.what you should be angry about is the disappearing, not answering calls, him not contributing and the fact he hadn't told his family and friends you are together.I am a single mum, and I would love it if my ex gave some attention to his children, but he doesn't. What you need to understand is children need both parents regardless of if they are together or not.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (2 November 2013):
 First step towards being calm is having an outlet to vent your anger, and you have done that here.
Good!
Now, simply take three long deep breaths, concentrate on breathing in, and then slowly breath it out .... breath out all the crap and negativity.
If your boyfriend knew several weeks ago that he would be staying at his kids home while his ex was away he should have discussed this with you, or offered to have the kids sleep over at yours so they could get to know you, or taken his kids to visit their grandma over night .... if he knew how much his staying there upset you there were a number of alternate arrangements he could have made.
If he is living with you, and not contributing and if his family are unaware of your relationship to him, he is simply a sponger, sponging off your good nature, using you for somewhere to live and have his meals cooked for him, and sex when he wants it.
Add to that him keeping your relationship a secret from family and friends, already the relationship is not a healthy one, the ex wife issue should be the straw that breaks the camels back!!
I don't know if your relationship is of only a few months or a few years, or if his marriage break up is recent or not, or even if you contributed to that marriage break up, and it doesn't really matter because you have hit the nail on the head, he is disloyal, a liar, a sponger and possibly a cheater.
Calm down and accept you have done the best thing for you and your peace of mind, and as for him its good riddance to bad rubbish!
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