A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a lovely relationship with a guy in his 40s. His wife left 3 years ago after they mutually separated after 20 years due to growing apart. She came home pregnant and moved out shortly after with her new partner. My boyfriend has a 20 year old son who recently moved back in with him as things werent working out with mum and new partner. I get on really well with his son but dont live with him. I feel insecure about how my boyfriend continued to employ her right up until she gave birth and he wont have a bad word said about her which is understandable despite his family and friends shock at her behaviour.. We went through a bad patch and I stupidly looked on his phone and found a lot of texts from her mostly about the son and problems with her new partner and calls made regularly. They need to discuss him but it was the volume and all made during the day. He then told her that I was insecure about their friendship as her partner also is. I stupidly text her saying it all needs to stop and they both need to move on. He is livid because I snooped on his phone and contacted her. Shes expecting another baby with her partner any day. I know what I did was terrible and Ive apologized profusely. He said the trust is gone and he doesnt think he can forgive my snooping and its made things strained between them.How can I put things right. He doesn't want to see me.
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female
reader, citadel  +, writes (23 October 2013):
Snooping into someones stuff means you're afraid to ask outright for answers or set limitations.
Which means you think someone has more power in the relationship. However, you're actions have got people talking and low and behold I can hear the conversation that went on with the new husband and your mans ex wife.
Seems after he got wind of the events, he put his foot down firmly and quickly. He took the wind out of your "self respecting" sails. Stand your ground or watch it fall from underneath you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2013): I am the OP. She has rung my boyfriend tonight saying her new partner has told her to cut down on the texting and calls and he thinks they are too intertwined. However I agree its not right to snoop and I overstepped the mark.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv +, writes (22 October 2013):
I do sort of feel for you.....but you have to remember they had a relationship that last 20 years. She left him for another man and is having his second child. They have a 20 year old son together. The are forever bonded. I would rather be with a man who has a friendship with his ex for the child(ren) sake.
You had no right contacted her and telling her to stay away! That is for him to do and to do alone.
I'm sorry to say but if I was your boyfriend I would need to take a break and seriously see what I would want with our relationship. If anything at all. Respect his space. He may be mad right now and needs some time. Trust is a lot of work. You start by respecting your partner.
Good Luck!
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (22 October 2013):
You can't magically regain someone's trust right away. You just have to let him be upset, but stop apologizing, it just drags things out.
Regain his trust by no longer complaining about his relationship with her and no longer snooping. It'll take some time, there's no doubt about it.
The thing is, if you can't handle his relationship with her than you can't handle being in a relationship with him. Hopefully he forgives you, but he may decide you aren't the right person for him because of this.
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