A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:We've been together for 4.5 years, since we were both 17. I love him so much and can't imagine my life without him. He is my soulmate and my best friend. We are sexually, spiritually, politically, romantically, and intellectually compatible. We mesh together so well. When things are going right they are SO RIGHT and I have never been happier than I am when I'm with him and things are going well... But on the flip side I have never been more miserable than I am when I'm with him and things are going badly. We have a complicated history (a lot can happen in 4.5 years). He has lied to me repeatedly. About everything. -He went on a vacation with his friends and his ex girlfriend was there (he never mentioned her to me, I found out a few months later from someone else). This was the first big one and I was very reasonable with him, told him that he has to be honest with me because lying makes his behavior look shady. He seemed to get it.-Female friends... he has made several female friends and then lied to me when he was with them so I wouldn't know who he was with. But he never cheated on me with them as far as I know.-Using porn... I asked him if he watched porn, he said no. I told him that if he ever wanted to get into it, he should tell me, and we could explore it together. I am not anti-porn at all, and this was during a casual conversation, where I was just curious. But a few months later he confessed that he had, in fact, watched porn and that he lied to me about it.There is more stuff, small stuff, and other things that he has done that I find hurtful or suspicious (checking other women out right in front of me and then saying he can't help it, adding girls that he previously hid from me to facebook even though he knew it would hurt me to see them there, getting other girls cell phone numbers and giving them his, hiding lad mags in his room, and of course the way our relationship started: he had a girlfriend at the time but carried on with me behind her back- no nothing sexual just a close friendship but he didn't dump her until he was sure he could get with me, it took him 3 months to decide to break up with her and go out with me instead and I'm paranoid it might happen to me- karmas a bitch right?). But on the other hand he is very sweet and caring and thoughtful when he wants to be, and I honestly can't imagine being more compatible with anyone. The last year or so we've been trying to work it all out and he has been being honest with me (or so he says) but it's REALLY REALLY difficult for me to get over all the hurt he gave me because, truth is, I devoted myself to him FROM THE START, I was a faithful and honest girlfriend in every way and I gave him more second chances than I can count because I love him so much. I feel like I have been very patient with him but after a certain point it just breaks you. A person can only take so much before it damages them on a very fundamental level.I have no self-esteem (this stems also from a childhood rape so I was damaged before he came along). I hate myself, I feel inadequate, ugly, undesirable, and mostly I feel really stupid for being so devoted to him when he never could do the same back. On the other hand, since he's never actually cheated on me, I am in a very difficult position. Because technically... he hasn't been unfaithful... he hasn't crossed that line... so I dont feel right breaking up with him. No doubt if he had slept with someone else, I would have broken up with him, but because he's been careful about not "really" doing anything wrong, I feel like I'm still... really wanting to make it work. You know what I mean? I'm in a war with myself. I love him to death (Hah I've said that like 8 times). I want it to work. But I feel like he doesn't give me much to work with.Ok so onto current situation: I found out his password on Facebook a few months ago because he accidentally forgot to hit "tab" when he was logging in so he typed it right next to his email (you know what I mean?). Anyway I was sitting next to him so I saw it and I am so weak and so curious and so untrusting and SO paranoid that I actually logged in. I check it once in a while going over his Inbox and his Notifications.So a couple of days ago a message popped up on his wall thingy that said (And I'll just make up names) "Bob Smith (my boyfriend) is now friends with Jessica Jones (random chick)". The girl who he added was wearing lingerie in her profile picture and I had never seen her before (she wasn't a friend of mine or of his that I knew of). So I asked him about her (before I logged in to check for myself) and he said that she was a COUSIN, and she requested a friend add from him so he said yes, that he didn't really think about it and how it would look to ME, not knowing who she was. And I was like... hmm... ok. But today I checked his account and it said "Jessica Jones accepted YOUR friend request"- meaning that he actually added HER first, so HE sought HER out.It's a REALLY small, silly lie and I KNOW she's family so it doesn't mean anything BUT it's driving me NUTS because he said that he had STOPPED LYING. Why would he tell such a STUPID LIE???? I have told him 1000000000000x times that I want honesty from him in everything (I know it's hypocritical because I logged into his account but to be fair I have never been deceitful in any other way). So why would he lie about THIS?!?!? It's so goddamn STUPID! But now I'm thinking... "he hasn't changed at all! He's still telling me ridiculous lies!" I don't know why he thinks it would make a difference that he sought her out (she is his cousin after all!) or she added him but for SOME REASON he felt the need to lie about it! Can someone PLEASE explain this to me?!I am going out of my MIND in this relationship, I feel pathetic and insecure and paranoid ALL THE TIME. And now I'm wondering what ELSE he has lied about in the last year since we started trying to "fix" his lying so that I could trust him. What is his deal?! I NEED SERIOUS HELP!I am sorry that this was so long. I know it's probably like the longest post in DearCupid history but oh my lord I need serious help with this because it's draining my enthusiasm, my self-esteem, my patience and everything else in me. Thank you.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (2 October 2008):
 I didn't even read all that, it was too long, but I got the jist very early on. The guy cheated on someone when he got with you, got you off to a bad start anyway, then he goes and proves yor instincts right by lying, small stuff maybe, but blimey, you're human, these lies confirmed your already suspicious mind that the guy is shady.
You're a person with morals, upfront and honest, and probably usually assume everyone is the same until they prove otherwise, I probably should of put that bit first because then it comes to the bit where he has proved otherwise, from the get go.
Very hard to judge just from a paragraph or 2 on the internet, but going by what you said, and what ive experienced myself in the past, which smacks of lots of similarities here, I will go out of my way to say you're doomed. Yo dont trust him, frankly he's shown he cant be trusted, and unless you get a grain transplant and go dumb or he grows up very very soon, long term, rollercoasters aside, its a no hoper hun.
C xxxxxx
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