A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 3 months. I'm in love with him and I've told him this. He said he really likes me too but when he says it he wants to make sure he means it and not just because I said it. I respect that and I am patient enough to give him time. In so many aspects, I feel that he is "the one" but there is one minor (or you could call it major problem). I can't completely trust him-but I don't know if that's my own insecurity or him. I am an introvert, he is very outgoing, sociable, and people love talking to him. I am on the other hand, prefer to be in the background. I do not like attention. When we go out, I only have eyes for him. He's the only man I'm really attracted to, I barely notice other guys anymore. I've noticed a few times that he's looked at other girls, but I don't let that part bother me as much because I know that's normal. There have been a few instances however, where he's looked at a girl (IE his best friend's girlfriend) the way he looked at me when we first started dating. Locking eyes and that huge cheesy grin on his face and he can't look away. I'm sure he's attracted to her-she's very charming, outgoing, and beautiful. He also did the same thing with my best friend when he met her-she's also very charming, outgoing, and beautiful. I spoke to him about how I only have eyes for him and sometimes it feels like he forgets I'm there..I even mentioned about how he looked at another girl when I was there-he said he "had no idea" what I was talking about, and I thought maybe I was just nitpicking. In case you can't see, there's a pattern. I'm somewhat self conscious of how I'm not the center of attention when I get to a party, and these girls are much more outgoing than I am. I feel like he needs a girl who can keep up with him at parties. So I feel that he gravitates towards them. I have no doubts that he finds them attractive, and yes I know this is normal, but what sucks is that no matter how "charming" and handsome his friends are, I only feel "attracted" to him. It feels uneven. I might be battling my own insecurties as well. I know I need to embrace my introversion (I'm not introverted with him, only when we're in a group of people). I'm awkward, not graceful at all, I either talk too much or not enough, I'm a klutz. But I can't help but feel like I can't completely trust him. The way he looks at those girls makes me feel like I'm not good enough for him. I know he would never cheat-but he definitely would flirt if he could get away with it. What do I do? I can't tell if I'm being trivial. But sometimes I replay in my head over and over and over again the way they locked eyes and he looked at her..its like I wasn't even there. I'm not very expereinced when it comes to dating. But I do know that if a man loves you or really wants you, it should feel like you're the only girl in the room, right? or am I just brainwashed from Disney movies? Do all girls feels like this...especially after only 3 months of dating? I can't tell him "not" to do something like that...it's controlling and if it comes naturally to him, thats the part that bothers me anyway. Is this a deal breaker?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 September 2015):
 I don't mean you put the relationship on hold. I mean that you pull back from saying "I love you" to him and that you give him time to show if he can spend time with you in the quiet way.
I think that there's every chance of it working but you do need to be a bit more relaxed about it, "calm down" as you put it.
Spend less time imagining things and more time simply being present in the moment. Often our worse critic is the internal negative narrator who is making sh*t up so that we have something to worry about....
Try to observe yourself when those thoughts start popping up. Become aware of that internal negative narrator. You'd ditch a friend who said hateful and demeaning things to you, but for some reason we tolerate those kind of thoughts coming from that internal negative narrator.
Do you meditate? Spend time doing yoga? I have no idea if these are actually effective at combating bad social anxiety but it could keep you more grounded and aware when your internal negative narrator tries to tell you bad things about yourself. Which are not true, right? :)
One interesting thing you could try is to assess where you and he land on the Myers Briggs scale. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myers–Briggs_Type_Indicator You can google some short and sweet tests. They are not necessarily 100% accurate but they can explain how you each deal with things that life throws at you.
Another place to check out your thought patterns is here https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome I know it says it's for depression but it could identify stinkin' thinkin'. :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello tisha. Thank you for your honest answer.
I had a feeling part of this was that I'm battling my own insecurities. I have pretty bad social anxiety so that could very well be the cause. We met online and he asked me out. In fact, I was hardly interested in him at the beginning. Funny how things turn out.
I think you are right in that I need to embrace mysf and learn to really be okay with myself before I can truly love him and appreciate this relationship. Maybe I'm jumping ahead andetting my insecurities dictate our relationship instead of stepping back and seeing him for who he really is. I want to allow him to be who he is.
He is still very much into me. I know that. Do you think if I step back for a minute and calm myself down there is hope of this working? Or do you mean that I should step back from this relationship entirely and work on myself? I have dated chill guys...but unfortunately they were too chill that they were almost impossible to read sometimes and it felt I was doing all the work.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 September 2015):
Okay. There are a few things I would like to point out to you.
One is that you are moving a bit too fast here. You've been dating him for less than 3 months. If I do my math right (which is questionable given this aging brain) that means you've been dating him for less than 90 days, maybe around 80 days? Assuming you don't live and work together, and aren't seeing each other every single day, let's assume you you see each other every other day, which brings it down to 40 days. Then in hours per date or encounter, let's average that out to 6 hours (you can spend more time on the weekends assuming you have the usual M-F job situation and less on work nights). So you've spent 240 hours with him, possibly less. When you think about it, that's not very much time. You are in the early phases of a relationship, and generally people tend to put forth only their good sides at this point.
Obviously you have very strong feelings for him. Very strong. You think that he could be "the one" which is great and you have eyes only for him, great too.
However, he hasn't said he loves you back. Which actually is a good thing, because that means he's not lying to you. He likes you a a lot, which is a good thing too. Obv.
The second thing is what you describe as your introversion. We'll look at that insecurity thing as a separate issue, for the purposes of answering this question.
This is how you describe yourself: "I am an introvert, [I] prefer to be in the background. I do not like attention."
Then you say this: "I spoke to him about how I only have eyes for him and sometimes it feels like he forgets I'm there." If you prefer to be in the background and do not like attention, um, you may indeed be forgotten just a bit. Not because he doesn't like you, but because, well, you are lying low, flying under the radar, being so quiet, hanging in the background, that he may indeed forget he's there with you. It has only been only 240 hours -ish that he's spent with you. He's not part of a practiced couple thing yet.
You go on to say a slightly different version of the introversion thing: "I'm somewhat self conscious of how I'm not the center of attention when I get to a party, and these girls are much more outgoing than I am." Wouldn't you be MORE self conscious if you were the center of attention? Isn't that what you prefer to avoid?
So you are either comfortable with your introversion (or is it more accurately called shyness?) or you are not. It sounds as though you are not comfortable with it.
And then we get to the meat of the issue: "I know I need to embrace my introversion (I'm not introverted with him, only when we're in a group of people). I'm awkward, not graceful at all, I either talk too much or not enough, I'm a klutz."
I think maybe you're thinking of yourself as introverted when in fact you are really really shy and super sensitive to how people are perceiving you. Which is why you prefer to be in the background and not draw attention.
To me, an introvert is someone who does prefer to recharge batteries alone and doesn't get energy from interacting with others but instead feels drained by that. An extrovert recharges batteries by spending time with other people and finds interaction with others to be energizing, not draining.
But an introvert can be confident in his or her own skin, know his or her own strengths and weaknesses, can find that one person at the party who does understand how he or she feels and make a one-to-one connection.
Your situation sounds like you are painfully shy, feel awkward and unpolished and you think thoughts that have a negative narrative. You feel not good enough for him, not because he's doing xy or z but because even before you walk in the door with him, you don't feel good enough for him.
Replaying in your head over and over again a look that could be interpreted as a "I see you and like you" look or as a "You're hot and I want to shag you" look or "Wow, you are cool and funny and I love that" look. In other words, you are assuming he is feeling a certain way.
"But I do know that if a man loves you or really wants you, it should feel like you're the only girl in the room, right? or am I just brainwashed from Disney movies?" Well, that depends on the personality of the man, and the woman, doesn't it?
If you've fallen hard for a gregarious extrovert who enjoys being outgoing and sociable, then you'll have to be prepared for him to do just that when you are in a group of friends. Expecting such a man to spend his entire evening locked in eye-to-eye contact with you as if you are the only girl in the room is unrealistic.
The fact is that you are dating him, he spends time with you and he goes home with you, right? The fact that he spends time talking with over gregarious extroverts who are outgoing and sociable and who happen to be women doesn't mean he's a cheat.
You say he'd flirt "if he could get away with it." What does that mean, exactly? That he would say a few charming things to a girl and she's say some flirty things back? Only he knows he can't because you don't feel comfortable? But you do know that he wouldn't cheat. I don't think flirting is cheating. Unless that's been discussed and agreed upon.
I don't know that this is a deal breaker. But I do think that you have to find a way to become comfortable in your own skin. It doesn't mean you have to become the life of the party and dance on the tables with all the hot men. Nope, not at all.
I think that you are somehow making this man you haven't known all that long responsible for your self-esteem. That's not a healthy thing to do, to hand over your heart to a guy you don't really know well enough just yet.
I think maybe you were drawn to him because of his gregariousness and he may have been drawn to you because you allow him to shine and give him a still center to come back to, after he's had a chance to energize himself with those other people he likes to spend time with.
Perhaps you should back off just a little? Give him some space to do his thing, and so you can observe him more and see how he really is, not how you think he is?
Perhaps he's a type you needed to get out of your system. The gregarious guy who is the life of the party. You date him and see how that works. Then in time you come to learn that you'd be more compatible with a more chill guy, one who is also on the introverted side and who doesn't want to be the center of the party.
"I feel like he needs a girl who can keep up with him at parties. So I feel that he gravitates towards them. I have no doubts that he finds them attractive, and yes I know this is normal, but what sucks is that no matter how "charming" and handsome his friends are, I only feel "attracted" to him. It feels uneven." Ah yes, so it does. But who has to change? You? or him? Or maybe you can find a happier middle ground where he gets to hang out at parties with people who are also gregarious and then you two spend quality time together on quiet evenings.
You say you aren't very experienced with it comes to dating. Does that mean you've been anxious about it and said no to guys a lot? Has this shyness kept you from getting to know people?
How did you meet him and who asked whom out first? I'd be curious to learn more about that.
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