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female
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anonymous
writes: What is wrong with me? My fiance is on a trip for a week without me by himself, and goes to bars/dance clubs by himself which bothers me. Yet, if I go to bars by myself he thinks it's weird. I hate the double standard, but I don't have the guts to tell him I don't like him doing it. So, tonight I tried to make him jealous which I know is wrong. I lied and said I went to this bar that is actually closed tonite and was talking to people that were really nice. I don't know if he knew that it was closed, but he texted me saying that I "screwed up the nite." So, I went to another bar that I knew was going to be open and called and left a message saying I was leaving that bar because he was mad, hoping that he would think that I just mixed the two bars up, said the wrong one by accident. Well, he isn't answering his phone. I know I was wrong to lie, but why am I trying to make him jealous? I never used to do this and I've never cheated on anyone, but somehow I feel like I want to. Maybe it's a lack of him being around and caring about my feelings?
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reader, eddie  +, writes (20 August 2007):
 First, let me say I've got a little experience in this. You're bothered because he's out in bars, most likely socializing and meeting new people. I'm sure it's not the fact he's going out, it's the fact he's meeting females. You're concerned he's going to see something in one of them that is more appealing than what you have to offer. It makes you jealous because you feel he no longer recognizes those qualities in you. Also, is this his behavior at home or just while away? If it's just while he's away, then you were never comfortable with him going and you're resenting it while he's gone. Also, I'd be interested in hearing the tone of the message you left him. Maybe that's why he's angry. Do you pester him about this often? Maybe you did ruin his evening and he had no bad intentions in the first place.
So, if you can accept that he's gone away without you, what did you think that entailed ? Did you actually think he'd go away and sit by himself and not talk to anybody? Most people are social creatures....example... If you were staying in a resort and there was some type of entertainment, it was crowded and people were flocking there every night, you'd want to go too. It wouldn't mean you were going there to specifically meet guys, although you might meet some. If someone talked to you, would you just turn your back. In that environment, probably not. You'd make it known you were not single but continue to socialize. It's not the action of going out that bothers you, it's the picture you paint in your head. You're imagining the worst case scenario...example...if your boyfriend was sitting around the pool with some friends and there was a group of women looking for a team to play volleyball, would that be disastrous? Potentially, it could be. He's playing volleyball..there's a pretty lady on the other team..they talk and laugh..they all have drinks after the game...decide to meet in the disco that night...they have fun...etc..etc... there are a million versions of that scenario and any one could be true. It's also easy to believe the worst scenario if you don't feel loved. That last line was important. I guess it comes down to trust.
You need to talk to him and let him know you don't feel loved or cherished by him. You need to tell him it's difficult for you to accept him partying and having fun with another woman if he doesn't make that effort with you. Of course this all hinges on the expectation you're not just being over sensitive in the first place.
The truth is this. He may meet others who are more physically beautiful than you are. They may have more money and many other things. It's you he loves though. You can not control who he meets and everything he does. That would be suffocating and trouble. You need to set guidelines and adhere to them.
Why did you say you might want to cheat on him. Isn't that a little extreme. Who'd be the rotten parter then? If he's a away and enjoying himself, then you should just let him have fun. As long as he's not crossing any lines, you should trust him. If you don't trust him you shouldn't be with him.
A
female
reader, Midge  +, writes (20 August 2007):
 Okay, so you say that you dont have the guts to confront him about his double standards? Well if you dont have the guts to be open and honest now, before you are married, what chance is there of having an open and honest relationship once you are married?
I used to be the same. I'm not a confrontational type of person, and when backed into a corner, would rather just give in rather than have an argument. But I am 32 now and learnt the hard way that being the "nice" person, doesnt always pay. If you want a happy relationship, you need to be open and honest, and dont bottle things up because that can cause even worse problems.
If you want this relationship to grow and for you both to grow as a couple, then you need to learn to "tell him how you feel". You may be pleasantly surprised by him apologising and changing his ways a little.
I now have a wonderful relationship with someone I love dearly. He is often away, so when we do get to spend time together, we make the most of it. Before, he used to just want to come home and sleep and loaf around the house because he was tired, which I understood, but what he didnt understand was that when he was away, I used to just sit in the house waiting for him to come back. So my life was put on hold. I eventually found the guts to confront him about it, and surprisingly enough, I got the complete opposite reaction to what I was expecting. I mean the COMPLETE opposite reaction to what I was expecting and his reaction was why I didnt want to confront him about it. I didnt want to "make waves" in the relationship, but at the same time I was so unhappy. It was one of my brighter moments to confront him, and one time I was happy to be a little confrontational.
You dont need to be mean about it, you just need to sit him down and tell him you love him, but that it just cant continue. I am sure he will appreciate how difficult it is for you to say what you have to say, but will understand too.
Be strong and do it!
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