A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Please help me sort things out. I'm so confused I don't know what to do! I found out 4 days ago that my husband has been having an emotional affair with a woman in the building where he works. He told me that he was in love with her, she was in love with him, and that we should just try to get through the holidays before we separated. My first reaction was of overwhelming guilt. I haven't been a real wife towards my husband for a very long time. Every night, I'd fall asleep on the couch and as I was doing it, I knew it was wrong but could not bring myself to reach out to him. The reason things had come to this point are sad and complicated. My husband had been a drug addict and heavy drinker for the first 15-18 years of our marriage. Sex with a user is difficult to say the least. He wouldn't talk to me about his sexual difficulties and took no action to get it fixed (such as seeing a doctor or getting viagra.) We both avoided intimacy and it just became a pattern. I was afraid to reach out to him even after he stopped using (he has been a good, stable man for the last 10 years or so) because of my great fear of rejection. Anyway, the years just passed like that. I certainly wasn't happy, but we were raising three beautiful, talented very busy children, and we were both devoted to them. Anyway, now he tells me about this woman and I immediately feel guilty for driving him to find love elsewhere. The next emotion I felt was a certainty that I wanted a second chance with my husband. I believed that if we could work through this, we would become a stronger, happier couple. I actualy felt an excitement to realize just how much I loved this man. It was like a huge wake up call. I suddenly realized how much I missed having a physical connection and later that night I went to him. We made love that night and the next. It wasn't great but I felt hopeful. As we talked it became clear that he was just leading me on so that I wouldn't make any trouble for this other woman. You see, I had been able to find out where she worked and her full name. I had threatened to tell her husband and her co-workers. (Oh yes, she's also married but in the process of divorcing, how convenient for her to have my husband wait until after the holidays when she'd have no more complications on her end.) Anyway it became clear that my husband was simply trying to keep me quiet so I'd not make any trouble for this woman. At this point my emotions turned into anger towards this manipulative behaviour, but I still wanted the chance to at least try to make our 25 year marriage work. I called this woman and asked her to back off - give us 6 months. She freaked out that I knew how to reach her and this woman who was so "in love" with my husband that she was encouraging him to leave me (after the holidays of course, because by then her divorce would be final) told my husband to never contact her again and will not accept his phone calls. He is now miserable, depressed and says that I have ruined his only chance of happiness. He does not want to go to counseling at all. What complicates this even further is the fact that we absolutely have no financial means to run two separate households. My husband does not make enough money to live on his own and I don't make enough to keep up with the existing bills without his paycheck. We don't even have the option of selling our home to split the profits. The house is worth very little more than the current 1st and 2nd mortgages. He has started drinking again. Oh, I am in a terrible place, believe it or not I do actually feel guilt that I've ruined his chance to finally be happy. I feel sick and scared and very very tired, but I still have to get up and work every day and take care of my kids. He has completely withdrawn and I feel terrible about all of this.
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female
reader, Cheater32 +, writes (4 November 2008):
 I just want to start by saying I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is a very complicated situation to say the least. I know you are living together which makes it hard but just give him his space. I would not talk about this or bring it up. Let him think about and process what has happened. If this woman "Loved" him it would have taken more than a phone call from you to make her run. Seems that maybe she did not love him as much as he thought and that has caused his hurt. NOT the phone call you made. So don't feel guilt about making that call. You were trying to protect you're marriage and make things work. As for living together unhappy that will be really hard. I beleive in praying and just focusing you're attention on the children. If he wants to talk be there. Otherwise give him his space.
Thanks I hope this helps!
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