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age
36-40,
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writes: A year into our relationship, My boyfriend found out I was seeing someone when we first started dating. I had been seeing this other person for a year and although I liked him he didnt want a relationship. we were more like FWB , i stopped seeing him after a couple of dates with my current bf. when my bf confronted me about it a year into our amazing relationship, I lied, I was scared of losing him. , it took me 6 weeks to come out with everything. That was 8 months ago and he is still devastated, the whole thing has consumed him and made him depressed. He has gone through my facebook account, gone through my phone records and today I have found out that has been sending this guy text messages over the last week from another phone pretending to be me so he can get his questions answered. When I confronted him he went crazy, starting throwing my clothes out of the room telling me to get out of his house and that I am a cheater. I don't know what to do!? I absolutely love this man with all my heart, couldn't imagine being with anyone else, we live together and I want us to have a future together but I'm scared that he will never get over this, I'm sick of feeling bad about it, we were only dating at the time, not in a relationship, yeh I should have told him, I realise that now. But I can't have it hanging over my head forever and how much do I let him get away with before I say enough? I know that he is in love with me thats why this has tormented him as much as it has, and he is usually so nice, attentive and thoughtful but this has taken over his life! He was married before and his ex cheated and he has started seeking counselling for help now so do I stick in there?
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (14 April 2013):
It's not the reality of how you met and what you did between those first two dates, rather the fact that you felt the need to lie.Lying is one thing that no one can accept because then you don't know when truth stops and lies start , anywhere. He loves you dearly, hence his pain, but at the same time your lying has made the whole relationship feel like a lie, which you know it isn't . He is in a spiral trying to work out what the truth really is and it's driving him nuts. How does he trust what you say now? He doesn't know if you have been having sex with you fwb all the time you have been together. If you want to keep your relationship you need to convince him of reality, if necessary get a calendar and show him we had our first date here and I already had a date planned with the other guy here and here and after our second date I liked you so much I exed the other guy.The other thing you can do is have loads of sex. No I am not joking, it helps, it helps him realise what reality is, and keeps the gremlins away, the negative thoughts and feelings seem to grow with the need for sexual relief. Twice a day should keep him pretty calm and happy, seriously. And after a year or so you both will be able to laugh about it. Just remember to stop showing your guilt as he senses this and he will think there is more than there is. And ignore the stuff he did, you made him crazy. Actually the SMS thing was pretty smart! Good luck.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 April 2013):
 Just leave, don't bother tryng to save the relationship. If you do save the relationship, what do you get ? One of those pesky freaky RJ ( retroactive jealousy ) guys who will make you miserable and will hold your past indiscretion against you forever and will think that what you did 2, 5, 10, 20 ! years ago is a good excuse to keep you, or try keeping you , under his thumb .
You need that as you need a nail fungus : it's something you can live with , if you really have to- but who would choose voluntarily to get one.
Mind you, you did made a mistake, you panicked and lied and fumbled, rather than a) being honest from the start or b) being secretive at first but then explaining your reasons for having being secretive , and holding your ground.
But, what is done is done, there's no changing the past, either he can get over it and move on, or he can't - and if he can't he has no business being with you .
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female
reader, MsSadie  +, writes (13 April 2013):
 He's been seething and depressed for eight months over the fact that it took you two dates with him to end your relationship with the other guy?Wow, dude is definitely overreacting. His own insecurities are turning him into a jealous and possessive fool. That he's seeing a counselor is a relief, but I think you also need to let him know that this behavior is overwhelming his good qualities. I wouldn't recommend giving an ultimatum because that will just add to his insecurities, and I'm afraid of what would happen should his behavior escalate.Frankly, his jealousy is scary. In any other case I would just tell you to end the relationship, but him electing to work through his issues in therapy shows a recognition of his issues and a commitment to you. If you can afford it, move out of his place. You deserve the space. It's likely that he'll still be watchful of you, in which case it may be in your best interest to end the relationship. You did nothing that deserves the treatment he's giving you.Best of luck to you, and stay safe!
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (13 April 2013):
OP, I am afraid I agree that you have probably blown it. Your lying and apparent guilt has made it a lot worse. At this point he needs time to realise its not the earthquake he thinks it is. And you need to be calm tell him you love him, and tell him it was sex, no big deal, and you stopped it once you realise you were getting serious with your bf. 3rd party professional input would be good if you can persuade him to be positive. Good luck
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (13 April 2013):
 SVC, I see your point and you are not nuts. If I see an ex FWB and his wife demands clarity and wants to talk to me in order to save their marriage, I would not bother to go. I would think that there are enough problems in their marriage already and me being there would not solve their problems. If you had read answers by Ciar, she would say that paranoid people like that don't really want truth, they just want to torment you, keep you on a leash and be on the upper hand while you struggle to be on your best behavior and gain his love back.
I bet your ex FWB doesn't really care what's going on with your life right now. He will just tell you to dump that loser and there's nothing worth saving.
To attempt to fix problems in this relationship is to show him that he has control over you, and that his tactic works. If you think that by proving yourself you will help bring back his old romantic self you are wrong. He is training you to be compliant and ensnaring you in a trap. He is afraid that once he relaxes you will let loose so he has to keep an eye on you. He believes that all women who are not controlled will cheat and he justifies violating privacy. You do not need a man like that.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 April 2013):
 you lied
he's over reacting
I don't think couples counseling is going to help to be honest.
IF he threw you out... go with dignity... does not mean it's totally over but he needs to cool down before you two can really talk. He may or may not.
Personally, I think MAYBE (and this is very off the cuff so if someone more savvy than me thinks I'm nuts tell me)
Just MAYBE if he needs questions answered to make this happen and your answers are not enough and he wants them from the former FWB... maybe the three of you can go out and get a coffee or a meal and talk about it.... and then the boyfriend could ask the questions of the FWB while you are there and then there are NO secrets and no way for him to say you are still lying unless both you and the XFWB are in cahoots in which case, no there is no way this can be fixed.
IF on the other hand sitting down and talking the three of you answers his questions then perhaps it's can work out.
As long as his questions are not about how often you had sex or the actual sexual aspects of the relationship, but rather when you met, how long you saw each other that type of thing...to verify your statements only... his questions about the actual sex are off limits as that's indicative of RJ and if he has RJ, do not even bother to try to make it work.
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (13 April 2013):
You should just leave with dignity. He threw you out and by staying with him it's like you are begging for his forgiveness when what he did was much worse. Sometimes people lie to avoid having a confrontation with a highly emotionally charged person. You were not a cheater and you shouldn't lower yourself and be consumed by fear as if you were one. This relationship would have been smooth if he hadn't found the need to snoop on what you did at the beginning. Even if you didn't lie he would have a problem with it. He is not in love with you, only with the idea of a perfect relationship where he is the centre of the universe. He has come to a stage when he gets vulnerable and the only way he feels in control is to control your life and make you a possession. He takes ownership not only your past but your future. If you stay with him you voluntarily give up your freedom, everything you do will be subjected to his questioning. Not fun at all.
When I am presented with a man who asks me too many questions, digs into my privacy, in a split second I would be tempted to lie. Whether I choose to lie or not, I prepare for ther end because I do not want to deal with interrogations every day. From that moment I accept the consequences ie. breaking up if I do choose to lie and avoid the talking.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2013): Go to couples counselling OP.
I can see it from both sides. I would have dumped you for the lies and frankly I think that may have been his best option as it looks very unlikely he's going to get over this.
But in that sense OP if I were in your shoes I'd dump him for his absolutely sociopathic behaviour in texting your former fling.
You both need to seek a couples counsellor OP. This is not just his problem, you too felt the need to lie to him and betray his trust and for something that really didn't matter all that much. It was the lies that are the big thing here, how does he know you're telling the truth about anything after that?
Then again this may be rather simple. You could just sit down and ask him if he can see a way that he will ever be able to get past this. I have a feeling he'll say no. After what his ex did and now you too betraying him in such a bad way, then I don't see how he'll ever truly trust you again.
OP I'm not saying he'd have healed by now, but after 8 months he'll know whether that's possible and frankly OP the extreme measures he's going to, are the last desperate attempts of a man who will not be able to.
I wish you luck OP, but be prepared for breaking up to be the only thing that can make him happy again. Are you really going to force him to endure this extreme depression just because you don't want to lose him? 8 months is a hell of a long time to feel that sad OP, and frankly it sounds as if he's starting to lose the plot here. Letting go may be the only to save him. Please consider that possibility.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question* additional info
I know he doesn't trust me anymore but I have told him everything, the last time I saw this other man, me and my bf had only been on two dates, we were "seeing" each other. I feel that he is doing all these things to catch me out on something to justify his actions, when I confronted him he was saying he had spoke to this other guy and he said I met up with him for his birthday. I just said ur lying, cause I didn't. even after being caught texting him pretending to be me, he is STILL trying to catch me out
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