A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married for just over a year. We dated for four years before deciding to get married. We seemed to be on the same page about all the big decisions, including having children young. I am now almost 6 months pregnant. I have recently discovered that my husband has been looking at video porn on our computer. He doesn't know that I know and he thinks I am unaware because he does it early in the morning while I am getting an extra hour of sleep and he is "getting ready for work". He works in a garage with a bunch of guys so I'm not worried about him going to work aroused. However, since our computer saves the history of the websites I not only found the sites he has been visiting but also the videos he has been searching and the amount of porn he has been looking at daily. I am worried it will affect our relationship, as his mantra was always, "why do I need porn when I have the real thing right here". This was all throughout our dating years and the beginning of our marriage. I think this all started not too long after I got pregnant, which is now making me regret getting pregnant, which is a horrible feeling. I brought up the fact that maybe he wasn't ready for kids, but he insists that he is. It's hard for me when he leaves every morning after watching porn, when he comes over and says I love you, because I know what he has just finished doing. And now, for the first time he has erased all the history of the computer. I think he finally realized that it has been saving and he is trying to hide it from me. I don't know how to talk to him about it as he has a very short temper, and I am scared that he will lay the blame on me and then leave me with a newborn. What should I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2009): You will have to CONFRONT him now. If you don't directly communicate with him, how will he know? People watch porn all the time though. Some people are more accepting than others. Usually when your sex life is in the crapper, it happens. Best way to do this is just to talk to him and if you haven't been having sex. HAVE SEX. He is a guy and if he wants to have sex with you, thats a good thing.
A
female
reader, TormentedWife +, writes (25 April 2009):
so its actually been a while, and I guess I should be somewhat impressed...but he is at it again...I really dont know what to do...I hint that he MUST be unhappy and unsatisfied...but he always denies it...and its really frustrating...JUST BE HONEST WITH ME FOR ONCE! I've been kinda researching religion lately and I think I am getting close to making a decision...but how can I be fully committed when my husband is such a porn addict? He can stop whenever he wants to? I don't think so...point proven now that he is watching it again...found it in the search engines...AGAIN...everyone claims that he would care more about my feelings than his own addictions...but clearly not...I know he tried since its been a while...but he is back to his old ways, searching it but trying to hide it...I wasnt even suspicious of anything, the only reason I found it is because my computer wouldn't work one day so I tried going on his and lo and behold I found that same site again...its beyond depressing....and my life is depressing enough without knowing that my husband loves watching other naked women...if he can't do this ONE thing for me how can I believe he would ever take my feelings into consideration for any other decisions? I'm so lost...I don't know what to do anymore...any insight?
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male
reader, stryder +, writes (10 February 2009):
You can't sneak porn. It's either there in the history or it's not. Check the cookies on the new browser and see if he is still checking.
I think he got the hint and quit looking at it. I am sure he doesn't want to hurt you anymore.
If the page isn't loading, then its not a proper page. It was probably a mistake. Porn sites load without any problems.
Anyone can quit watching porn, I am sure your feelings out-weighed the porn watching and he quit. If it's not in the history, he is not watching porn.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2009): Sorry that last post was the original poster...I forgot to choose 'female'...but yeah, like I said...new search engine...probably a new way to find more porn...when I click on the link it takes me to a dead page...it looks like you can click on other icons once I get there..but nothing loads...whatever it is...my husband has signed up with a logon ID and everything...so I wouldn't be surprised if he has found a new way to sneak porn in without me knowing...I'd feel bad for suspecting it if I am wrong...but like I said...after almost a year of this crap...how can I think anything else?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2009): Now there is a new search engine I have never seen before... I tried to go to the same site but nothing comes up that you can even link to... so I don't understand what it is used for... but you can't blame me for being suspicious... after almost a year of him watching porn... how can I suddenly believe he gave it up that easily... he was never able to do it before.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2009): Sorry,
I mean't cookies are deleted automatically after 20 days.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2009): I believe he will stop. Specially reading these posts. I know he doesn't want to hurt you and now that he most likely read these posts, he will just stop period. Check on the history. You can't sneek the cookies in the computer. If he deletes it then he is hiding. If he doesn't then you know he is trying. sometimes cookies are delayed afte 20 days automatically so don't think thats him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2009): If the porn is hurting me than it is hurting lives...it has nothing to do with insecurity...thoughts of my husband cheating aside...its still hurting that he even has to look at other women...he doesn't need to cheat on me physically to hurt me...he's already achieved that emotionally...strip clubs and prostitutes means he is addicted to sex...I said he is addicted to watching porn...there is a difference...plenty of men watch insane amounts of porn without ever venturing into a strip club or hiring a prostitute...and in regards to him stopping if he can see this forum...well it might stop him for a little while (or he may just start hiding it more), but I still have a while to go to be completely healed...I have a feeling the porn will rear its ugly head again...its not something that is easily given up once someone is addicted...they think they can easily go without it...but sooner or later they find their way back to the site...'just one video...' and it starts all over again...I know my husband loves me...he tells me pretty much every day...he just needs to realize that to truly show me that he loves me he can give up porn...I'm not trying to make him feel bad about himself...but when someone is hurting in a relationship they should make it known, and the other person should try their hardest to make it right...marriage is hard work...but if it is worth it to both people...then both people should try their best not to hurt each other...especially when they know exactly what they can do to make it better...I'm not saying I'm perfect, im far from perfect...and if there was ever anything I was doing that was hurting my husband I would stop immediately...all I ask in return is the same effort from him...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2009): If your husband wasn't watching porn before your pregancy because you were having sex regularly, he will definitely stop.
Of course a religious person is going to give strict advice. Porn can hurt lives, but those are extreme cases.
If your husband starts to go to strip clubs and hires prostitutes, then yeah, thats bad.
I bet once you are having sex, you can check the history and you will soon find out hes not watching it anymore.
For the next week, count how many times he watches porn. If he can see this dear cupid thing, stop watching porn because your wife has a extreme case of insecurity. Eventhough you won't cheat on her, just stop watching it and jerk off in the shower lol.
so if he read this message, he will stop watching porn. Let us know tomorrow if he logged on.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2009): To the last post, I agree with you 100%...but my husband just doesn't get it...I mentioned it once in passing...but without actually saying the words...but i know he understood what i was talking about...and for a few days he actually stopped and I thought he was going to respect my feelings about it..but sure enough he started right back up again...and like some people on here are saying...maybe once I am completely healed from the labour and delivery he might stop...but 'might' and 'definitely will' are two very different things...I am a religious person...and I do pray...but I just don't know what to do about this...its tearing me apart...and he just doesnt see it...when I clearly show how upset I am...and he sees that my mood changes when im on the computer...he knows I am seeing the history...and he immediately gets all defensive...if he spends hours on the computer (not all time spent on porn...but I know he is watching it while having multiple other windows open so that if I come in the room or over to the computer he can quickly close it and pretend he was doing business work the whole time) when I question the time spent on the computer he gets immediately angry and makes me feel guilty because he claims all he is doing is business and its 'for the family'. I'm sorry but watching porn is NOT for the family...I stopped going to church...but this whole horrible experience is seriously making me reconsider...especially now that I have a son...I definitely want him to be involved in religion...if my feelings and needs are not important enough to my husband...at least I may be able to save my son from that filthy world...thanks so much for your encouragement...it really means a lot...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2009): Yes actually it does show the date...it shows the day (mon-sun)... so i know what days he looks at it and how much on that day...and even exactly what videos he is watching...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2009): I honestly think that porn is bad for any relationship, to be honest with you my parents had that problem happen, and i saw them get divorced...I am only 17 and I understand this apparently pretty well. Porn will mess up a mans thinking and how he treats and respects his wife, i don't care what any one here says, we all know its true. A man should be showing the utmost respect to his wife by respecting her in mind, body and spirit. by looking at porn behind you lifetime companions back? I am sorry but that seems wrong to me, i think you need to find a way to talk to him about it and sort it out because it is something that could bring out the worst of him in later dates of your marriage...trust me my mom told me what it did to her. The respect needs to be there and that physical intimacy. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of latter days saints.. or Morman lol and of course i am waiting until i am married for sex. but in this case i honestly think that you need to talk to him...because if it just goes on its going to tear you apart..Feelings buried alive never die and will always come back to haunt you. Love and Marriage means being a team, you should be able to talk about your feelings for they are very valid....don't just let it go because you know it will tear you up thinking about it. Sure i may be young but i was introduced by friends to porn and saw it for a year because i wanted to be in the in crowd but I pulled out on my own and broke the habit by my self. Not every guy out there is obsessed and likes looking at porn, I hated it, it treats women with such a disrespect and objectifying manner that it distorts what a guy thinks about a woman...That is why i try to always show the Highest respect to any girl, especially the one i care so much about and really do love and hope to be with forever. once again I may be young but i am not dumb and i understand this. Think and just follow what you feel and the way to talking to him will come to you if you really want it. If you are part of a religion then i definitely would tell you to pray..if not just think hard and you will know what to do, just trust your self he loves you but he is having a hard time and you need to approach it carefully..My email is [email address blocked] if you have any questions or anything give me and yell and i would be more then happy to help. I wish you the Best of luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2009): Your still probably banged up from your pregancy and he isn't getting any. What do you expect, once he gets some, he will most likely stop.
How do you know if hes still watching porn and its not left over crap from the internet files saving the cookies?
Does it show a date and time?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2009): So the baby has finally arrived...and nothing has changed...I thought at least maybe the fact that he is a father would change him...but no...he still looks at just as much porn as before...its plain and simple, he is addicted to porn...if he wasn't...he would be able to give it up easy...you don't need to spend hundreds of dollars to be considered addicted...especially when there is so much free porn out there...the fact that he looks at it EVERY day...watches 10 or more different videos and searches specific porn stars...shows just how much he watches it and how addicted he really is...I really thought that having a son would make him want to stop...set a good example and set good morals...but I guess having a son isn't enough for him to stop...especially since he feels perfectly fine watching it while we are BOTH in the same room...of course he thinks that I think he has stopped and don't know...honestly..I want to break this computer...if it wasn't for his online business I probably would break it...I think it pisses me off even more now that our son is here and he STILL cant live without the stupid porn...I really don't know what to do anymore...if having a son won't stop him...what the hell will? I'm not enough, our son isn't enough...and that's why I call it an addiction...when your family's misery isn't enough to stop you...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2008): He probably didn't search it, it came up. I am sure if he wanted to cheat, he wouldn't be watching porn about it. I bet he was curious what it was about. Not because he is planning to cheat or something. He is not fanatizing about cheating, he was curious about what these video's about. I have watched those and they are nothing just survallience videos about people getting caught.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2008): So you don't think I should be worried that he is searching porn videos about cheating? Obviously that means the thought has crossed his mind and he fantasizes about it wanting to watch videos about it...I dont know...i understand the sexual frustration and all...but those searches worry me...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2008): How often do you have sex with him? Your pregant now and I believe you guys are not having much sex right now.
You said this happend when your pregant. You know he is a male and if he isn't getting it regulary, he needs to release those hormones.
I bet once your not pregant anymore, he probably won't even bother with porn. If you guys have sex on a regular basis, everything will be fine.
He isn't going to cheat on you, you shouldn't worry about that. If he tells you he loves you, he loves you. You know men don't really show signs of affection. So if he loves you and cuddles with you regulary, you have nothing to worry about.
Because, if he truely wasn't satisifed with you, he would have left you period. Thats how guys are. He probably isn't looking at porn at the moment, because he is not getting any action because your pregant. Maybe he is scared of hurting the baby or maybe you feel uncomfortable right now because your pregant.
He is satisifed with you, right now he isn't getting the regular sex so thats why this is the situation. Once he starts getting it regularly, say goodbye to porn.
I bet your marriage will be perfectly fine. Don't worry about him. He is an adult and I am sure he has morals and will never cheat on you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2008): The fact that he was ever satisfied by it is depressing enough....and if he realized that making love is better than porn...why still look at it? I still think there is something he needs that I clearly cant give him...and that scares me...because eventually he will get it somewhere else...somewhere more "human" than a computer...eventually that won't be satisfying enough...as you already said...he's not as satisfied...so where is he going to go next to GET that satisfaction? That's one of the biggest problems in marriages...its not some bf/gf you can throw away...its a long term life time commitment...you shouldn't EVER need to look elsewhere...if you do...something is missing...and that person will look for it and pursue it until they get it...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2008): He watched more porn?
You can only watch so much porn. He probably isn't satisfied by it anymore and went through a lot. When you want to get off on porn, you don't go through a lot of it.
I think he couldn't find anything and was searching a lot. Maybe he realized that making love to you was way better and all the porn he searched wasn't the same.
When I watch porn, I don't go through a lot, going through a lot means you can't find anything interesting.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2008): To the last post, if you are married with children, then I find it hard to believe you would be okay with your husband watching porn. I definitely know mine is still watching it and probably even more of it. It's pretty depressing for me that in such a new relationship, barely over a year of marriage, my husband is already looking elsewhere for pleasure and satisfaction. Even though last night we actually made love, he actually searched and watched even MORE porn than usual this morning. I guess that says something about the level of satisfaction he gets from me...must be pretty close to zero. It's not like I am thinking "ew porn". For single guys who don't get any, fine whatever...but for a married guy who "says" he's happy...well I don't know about that...I'm clearly not enough for him, otherwise he wouldn't need it. Anyway, no point in arguing this point, he won't stop even if I asked him to...and he would hide it even more...meaning eventually it could escalate to cheating down the road...I guess it's a wait and see situation now...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2008): GEEEZ.Everyone watches porn. There's nothing wrong with either you or your husbands. (Ok, maybe you, if you can't accept it... And maybe him, if the search was something like "hot sheep cum" or something.)But seriously, I really thought people were finish with "oh no, porn!!! he doesnt like me anymoree EEEEK." and "eeew, porn. GROSS!"This is just so obvious to me, so I can't find anything more to say.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2008): Maybe he has stopped watching it because you haven't mentioned he is TRUELY watching it still. Check the search bar history and check the other computers history.
Maybe he kinda knows that you know and stopped because he feels embarrassed.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): Original poster again...there are so many other ways around it...there are other search engines and other programs besides explorer that can be used...and there is more than one computer in the house as well...so its pretty easy to go to the other room and use that one...anyway, I guess what it all boils down to is whether or not I'm willing to do anything about it...and honestly, I'd rather be miserable and unhappy as long as he is willing to stick around...until that day I guess I just have to accept the fact that my husband is attracted to other women and enjoys watching them naked...if he can't stop himself then what can I do? I can't compete with those porn stars...anyway, guess this topic is pretty much talked out, thanks for all of the input.
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male
reader, stryder +, writes (27 October 2008):
Has he been looking at porn lately? Does it still continue? Good way to find out is check the search bar on internet explorer. You can't just delete a specific part of the history, either its all wiped out or it's all there.
I still say you have nothing to worry about and you are overrearcting to the issue. I am sure he loves you very much and tries to spend time with you. If he told you "Hunny, I am watching porn, leave me alone". Than there is a problem. But if he still wants to have sex with you and spend time with you, then it's not a problem.
Sex addicts or porn addicts spend a TON of money on porn. It's like gambling. There will hire hookers or go to strip clubs. Your husband isn't a sex addict, hes just a man.
You will be fine because pregancy does make your emotions go crazy. If he hugs, kisses you and tells you he loves you constantly. you are fine.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2008): * priest..
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2008): PPS: "then why when we do have sex (which I admit is not as often as he would like and I know that for a FACT) but even after I put in so much effort to please him, you'd think he would at least be satisfied for a day right?" orginal poster, 24th October 2008....
Hey people, is it me, or is this the answer to the porn issue... Leave him Mrs, you don't like porn and he has betrayed you and is never satisfied... probably he's a normal man, sex addiction indeed, he dosen't get enough, so he needs to masterbate to magazines... he's abnormal, find a guy who dosen't care about sex, why don't you find yourself a woman, or a virgin or a prist, then you probably won't be troubled by this sex stuff at all.... lol
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2008): Sorry Mrs, I missed your answer.. you have made up your mind.. Fight your husband over this issue that you can't win, leave him and be an unhappy single mother. I've told you why he avoids making love to you, I've explained how confused and protective he might feel. You have your values and standards. You don't like porn and nothing I can say will change your mind. Please listen to the anti-pornography crew, follow their advice, and find someone different who will make you feel happy and secure. You want people to agree with you, there are tons of them. But a woman who is confident and senisible can find happiness in relationships. You would rather fight about pornography, good for you. Stand by your feelings, keep your values. I recommend that you start divorce proceedings as soon as you can. There are men out there who don't like pornography, don't waste your time on this guy, go and find somebody else who shares your views.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2008): "This is frightening for him too, no longer a young man, he's going to become a father, and he is married to a woman who is no longer a lover, but is going to be somebody's mother."
Sorry people, and sorry dear lady, but this question has been brought to my attention again. It's very interesting to note the women who attacked the man for seeing a woman as a mother, whilst ignoring the rest of the quote that also mentioned that men will become father's too... Selective hearing, selective reasoning. These people hate porn, and only think of things that will support their views...
I've written many times before on this board, on the lies that the anti-porn people give out. They would love you to believe that ALL WOMEN in porn are victims, and forget to mention the many women with advanced master degrees and education. They also forget to mention the many women who transfer from acting in porn to becoming directors and actors. The majority of women in porn are not victims, are not helpless and are not forced. They act in pornographic films and pose for magazines because it pays very well. A lot of them enjoy their careers, and the millions of men and women that look at pornography (like me) hold down important jobs, raise families and have long standing, affectionate and loving marriages. Don't believe the lies, research the truth and set your sexuality free. Many anti-porn people are anti-men, and they would like nothing better than to have all women unhappy and fighting and alone in misery....
My advice remains the same. If you don't like porn don't look at it, but if your partner likes it, ask him or her to remove it from your eyesight so it's not in your face. Pornography is no threat to your relationship, unless your partner stops avoiding sex, spends all their money on it, neglects their hobbies,interests and friends, or spends the whole day masturbating over it. Pornography is fantasy, it doesn't make somebody love you less, it is no indication that someone will cheat on you. Pornography is part of the whole suitcase of human erotica and sexuality and is equivalent to a sexy woman's movie, a good romantic book or a woman's magazine filled with gossip and stories about the lives of famous people....
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male
reader, stryder +, writes (26 October 2008):
So porn is affecting your marriage?
Would he rather watch porn than spend time with you? D
oes he ignore you and rather go out with his friends to strip clubs?
I doubt he does any of those things and you should give your husband a break. He is not leaving you for a porn star or a stripper.
I am sure he won't even watch porn once the baby is there and plus TONS of husbands in healthy marriages watch porn. You make it seem like its end of the world.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2008): Any man (gentleman)? worth his salt would ditch the porn if it was having such a damaging effect on his wife and his marriage. It's like HELLO! what about priorities?
MLB X
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2008): Hi its the original post girl again, just in response to the latest answer, I don't really see how it is normal that he is all of a sudden looking at porn...he "claims'" to never have looked at it or wanted to look at it during our entire relationship and now he is looking at it not just a little, but like a ton. And he has even searched specific porn stars. This makes me feel like that is what he likes, and some of those girls are NOTHING like me! But leaving that aside, say it is just because he is sexually frustrated and scared to hurt me or the baby, then why when we do have sex (which I admit is not as often as he would like and I know that for a FACT) but even after I put in so much effort to please him, you'd think he would at least be satisfied for a day right? But then he has still looked at porn, sometimes the next morning, but sometimes that very same night! I can't even satisfy him for a day! I know that I don't look anything like I did before I was pregnant, but I didn't think it was that bad....so you can see why when he says he thinks i'm sexy or hot I have an extremely hard time believing that...I don't know...it's frustrating knowing that my husband gets off on other women while claiming that he thinks I'm so "hot". What do you guys think?
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male
reader, stryder +, writes (23 October 2008):
Your husband still loves you. So what he looks at porn, thats normal. He probably is a little sexually frustrated bceause of the pregancy and is scared he might hurt the baby or hurt you.
Would you rather him cheat on you or go to strip clubs?
I think your over reacting a little and should relax.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2008): PS: Dear Mr Wizard of Waz, and the rest of the men on the board. You know I mean no disrespect, but we women have funny minds, but you stupid guys are worse, at least we know how to communicate, you men just grunt, hide your problems and try to pretend that you are strong and brave. I love you all, and as a woman, you make me laugh all day, cause your ways of thinking are so damn funny.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2008): Hi Ms Anonymous,
"Sorry but society and men in general DO NOT believe this"..... Ms Anonymous, 20th September 2008
I feel so very sorry for you and the world you live in, it looks nothing like my world, where pregnant women are cherished, loved and cared for. In Britain we have many women openly posing naked with their beautiful swollen bellies and their large milky breasts. If you was a lover of porn like I am, you would see that this is a big turn on for men. The last woman I can remember was Demi More, who was having a baby for Bruce Willis. She posed in the nude and although she was beautiful before, her sexy pregnant woman's body shined brighter than the sun. As far as I know, even though they are divorced, he still worships her as the mother who gave him his daughters, and he respects and supports her in everything she dose.
Hi Ms Original poster,
That gives me a great idea. Why don't you fix up your hair and put on some make up, and get your partner to take a nude picture of you and the baby to keep beside him. I'll bet you a million pounds, he would just love to do that, it would make him feel so included, it would make him feel less left out. Pregnancy is hard for women, but for men it's torture. You get all the advice, you get all the help, you suffer all the pain, and he feels useless, cause he doesn't know what to do. I hear stretch marks are a problem, buy some Coco Butter, Bio Oil, or Vitamin E oil and give him the duty of massaging you and the baby every night. (of course when you are naked) He can also sing to the baby, or tell it stories, so it will know his voice when it is born. Take a picture of him naked after he dose this, I bet his "Johnny Penis" will be standing up and dripping at the sight of you and your belly. It will be a lovely memory of what it meant to you both to have your first baby.. :^)
Your update has been kinda missed whilst us uncles and aunts got into our favourite sport of arguing about porn. But that is not the real issue here, porn is merely a symptom of your husband feeling left out and not knowing what to do. He's using Porn for stress relief, and as soon as you are able, he will be back to putting his penis and his sperm in the place where it belongs. He loves you, I know that, and you know that too. Your feeling fat and ugly but you don't realise how beautiful you are to him, me and the world. Inyourdreams is perfectly right, when women are pregnant they turn into fertile goddesses and make men feel frightened. He doesn't know how to approach you or love you in this condition, you were once human, but now, you are a Goddess, who brings new life into the world. Share your body with him, share your baby with him, let him touch you and stroke the baby too.
This will drive him insane, as I said, he doesn't want to have sex maybe because he's afraid he will hurt you or the baby. As far as I know, after a certain time, sex with men is unsafe. An orgasm, oral sex and swallowing sperm might bring the baby on too early. He knows this too, and he therefore is acting like a man, a husband and a father and trying to keep you safe. Thus he looks at porn, a secondary thing, crap for him, but better than hurting you. It's second best for your husband, because he would much rather spend his lust and desire with you, but he's too frightened to hurt.
He has friends that are bored with their wives, he is laughing because he's not bored with you. You just get more and more interesting, as soon as he thinks he understands you, your body and emotions change on him. He's laughing at those guys with their sad lives, and he's thanking the universe everyday for blessing him by giving him sexy you and the baby. You don't believe me, do what has been suggested by Someonelse, go and talk to him, find out how he feels about you, the baby, and your attractiveness to him. Prepare to be surprised by the deep love and respect he has for you.
"I would never get bored of you"... this is stupid man's talk for (Diovanlestat translates into women's language) "You are so perfect, you make me so happy, I can't believe how lucky I am, and now you are pregnant, you are giving life to a little piece of me in your funny expanding belly. Never leave me, I would die without you, you are the sun and the moon, you give me a reason to go to work everyday. I wish I could hold you and love you, but when I look at you, carrying OUR BABY, I go insane and I'm frightened that I will love you to death and crush you with my passion. I hide away and look at porn to keep you and the baby safe from my beastly man's lust. I've marked you, I planted my seed and I'm so excited watching it growing. Hurry up and bring baby out, I'm so excited to meet my child. And when everything is safe and you are happy and back to normal again, I will keep you in bed for the rest of your life, so you never, ever will have any regrets about choosing me to be the man in your life"....
Pick up a copy of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by Dr. John Grey, it explains how men's stupid minds work and it will make you feel more secure in the power you hold. He loves you, he feels guilty for looking at porn, so he kisses you. Again, I say with confidence, his usage of porn is done for you and the baby, he is ashamed about the lust and desire he feels for you both and in his man's mind (idiots) he is trying to keep you safe. Try and include him, and by the time the baby's born he should be a nervous wreck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2008): 'CONGRATS ON YOUR BEAUTIFUL BABY!!!! BTW, THERE ISN'T A WOMAN MORE BEAUTIFUL, THAN THE ONE WHO BECOMES A MOTHER'
Sorry but society and men in general DO NOT believe this....when the last time you saw a woman who actually looks like a mother promoted as beautiful....Im yet to see one women in mags that sell to men with stretch marks or boobs that have clearly fed a couple of bubs...whats considered beautiful by men (at least physically ) is pre baby bodies...thats what sells...and then they wonder why we become insecure when we have babies and become mothers ....when we are basically discardedc as second rate baby vessels...GROW UP MEN and women who think men prefer us AFTER pregnancy..
PS this message probably wont be posted as it appears the pro porn party controls this board! oh well
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2008): Christ! Again a porn debate?
I can understand women who get insecure, I know I do, and being insecure while pregnant, I think is VERY understandable. But these kinds of insecurities, hurtful as they may be, are purely irrational... to blame pron for all the problems of humanity, is, in my opinion, quite extreme!
This question is a bit old, but I had to reply.
Bday, I understand that you're against porn. Hell, it has its cons. Everything has pros and cons. We can talk a lot about the cons of porn, but fact is, just like Diovan said, it won't go away anytime soon. If your boyfriend is addicted, then sure, get help, if you just can't bear it leave him. But if he's not addicted there are far more important things to worry about. Global warming for instance. I get 1000 times more upset and depressed when I think about global warming (or poverty in Africa, or whatever) than when I think about girls with eating disorders because of porn. Also, women's magazines like Cosmopolitan can also make your self esteem low, there are scientific facts, it's not only porn. But the thing is, porn is one of the least important concerns in te world right now.
Diovan is spot on about the fears and changes that men go through. I've never been pregnant, but I've talked about this with my boyfriend. He said he probably won't be into sex as much because he'll be afraid of hurting me and the baby, or just because he knows I'll be going through so many changes that I probably will be the one not wanting it. He's never talked about me becoming unattractive, as a matter of fact, he said he (and most men from what I've gathered) think of their wife/gf as more beautiful when they're pregnant, in the sense that they're bringing new life to this Earth, and that for men is just fascinating because they just can't imagine what it's like to bring new life.
They see pregnancy as this beautiful, magic experience (when they're in love with you, that's because the ones that don't love you run away). But it's a shock for them. They face the reality of becoming a father, the responsibilities, that they have to be strong and protective because they have to protect the baby and the mother. The get confused, they probably do have a bit of madonna/whore syndrome, but is that bad? I don't think so, of course if you're obviously pregnant most guys may not want to have sex with their parnters simply because they kind of see her as, I don't know, sacred? They probably don't want to interrupt this magical process, or maybe they feel it'd be disrespectful. Trust me, guys do have this change of perception. But this is also why they see you more beautiful, in an angelical way. I've been told this a thousand times!
Also, he's stressed right now. Taking care of you while pregnant, thinking about the changes you'll face once the baby is born, etc. But the fact is, once the baby is born and he sees him/her, he'll forget about all this because of the joy he'll be feeling. Guys are mushy like this when they become fathers.
I don't think he'll leave you if you mention this. If it's too much of a concern, do talk to him in a non-confrontational way. If you are generally insecure about porn, and he knows this, it's clear he doesn't want to hurt you (and from one perspective, he's being considerate with you because he doesn't want to hurt you or upset you with this). But if he doesn't tell him calmly that you're feeling a bit insecure about porn. Remember, don't blame him. Avoid saying "your use of porn has me feeling bad!" instead try, "I've been feeling a bit confused lately, because my body has changed so much..." something like that. He'll probably reassure you.
And, just as a side note, once the baby is born, prepare for a sex fest. Just sayin'. It's clear he hasn't got an addiction (otherwise he'd be stuck in the computer all day, and wouldn't be shy about it). So it's also very likely that he's waiting for your pregnancy to end to jump your bones. Lol, anyway, I'm just sayin' ;)
CONGRATS ON YOUR BEAUTIFUL BABY!!!! BTW, THERE ISN'T A WOMAN MORE BEAUTIFUL, THAN THE ONE WHO BECOMES A MOTHER.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): Hey Ms Bday,
Well you know what I think you can do with yourself and your screwed advice. You want to get yourself an education, I spent last saturday in the museum looking at ancient art of egyptian porn, so you can shout and scream all you want to, but it dosen't look like this thing is going away anytime soon. I wasn't talking to you, I was being truthfull and trying to help this lady out. Look at the divorce figures, look at how man people are brought up in homes with single parents, this lady is pregnant and your advice is for her to get upset and raise her blood pressure and probably damage herself and the baby. I tell it like I see it, based on my culture, and what "normality" is in every single woman I know. You are asking her to think of "millions" of people. I answered a question based on her own situation, between her and her loving husband. How is thinking about "millions" of people gonna help her and her marriage. Shouldn't she be thinking of her own problems rather than trying to take on the problems of the world.
You don't like porn, you can't tolerate and you choose to fight with your partner and make him unhappy over it. Well that is YOUR choice. This is a relationship advice site, it's not a place to try to get people into a fight about what the world is doing wrong.
Your answer in illogical. Wife beating and rape are illegal activities that can send people to jail. This lady is from Canada, and as far as I know, pornography, using it, appearing in it, and looking at it, is not illegal, and anyone who enjoys it is doing nothing wrong.
To tell the truth, your boyfriend dosen't have a porn addiction and neither dose this ladies husband. He is a man doing man things, and if he is no longer sleeping with you, your anger, your bad temperment and your insulting nature is why. I'm rude and offensive to you, and only to you. Everybody else gave answers that I can take on board. Why don't you dump your boyfriend and leave him alone, your more interested in saving the world and making other women unhappy than keeping your man happy at home. Unfortunately you have a problem with porn, but your partner dosen't.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): hi all, well thanks for all the answers so far, it has helped a bit. yesterday he brought up something his co workers were talking about and that was that they all said it is better to be single than married (they are all married by the way). My husband said that they are all bored of their wives. I was thinking great, just what I need a bunch of stupid guys putting ideas in his head. I managed to slip in "yeah im sure they all go to strip clubs and have huge stacks of porn" just to see his reaction. He didn't say anything about that, but then he said "I would never get bored of you" and so I said "I hope not". Another thing i have noticed, is that whenever he looks at porn he always comes over to me after and hugs me and says I love you. It feels so contradictory. P.S. he watched and searched through a ton of porn this morning and didnt erase it. Which makes me wonder what he was erasing yesterday if it wasn't that site he always visits? I also did a bunch of searches on how to talk to your husband about his porn habit and left all the history for him to see...
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reader, bday121  +, writes (10 September 2008):
 I think DiovanLestat's answer was utterly horrible. Maybe she's content to let her husband look at porn, and if that's what works for her, then great. But watching porn is absolutely NOT normal and women do NOT need to tolerate it. The pornography industry is cruel, dehumanising, and just downright evil as far as I'm concerned. People like to claim that porn is harmless, but I assure you it's not. Women and children all over the world are forced into the industry as sex slaves. Millions of men and women suffer from very serious porn and sex addictions. Millions of wives and girlfriends are sitting at home with rock-bottom-low self-esteem because their man is jerking off to porn. Millions of teenage girls are growing up hating their bodies because they don't look like a porn star. Even more girls are becoming sexually active at 11 or 12 years old just because they're so accustomed to our porn-dominated society. Does any of that sound "harmless" to you?
This is the bottom line: everyone feels differently about porn. If YOU don't like your husband looking at it, then DON'T tolerate it! Tell him exactly how you feel, including your anger at his secrecy. Some women can handle porn-watching husbands and it doesn't bother them. That's fine. And some women can handle husbands who have affairs. That's fine too, if that's how a woman wants to live. But if YOU don't like porn, then you have every right to tell your husband to stop watching it immediately. Don't put up with something you don't like. I'm sure some people out there think wife-beating and date rape is perfectly "normal," but does that make it so? No.
My boyfriend has a porn addiction that has taken a massive toll on our relationship. My self-esteem is crushed almost beyond repair. Listen to me: ignoring the problem will NOT make it go away, and it won't make things better. Please talk to your husband about this. I talked to my bf about his PA and he's in recovery right now and we're working on fixing things. It's a slow and difficult process. Casual porn watching can very easily turn into a porn addiction, and trust me, you do not want a porn-addicted husband. Pron addiction is just as serious and damaging as any other addiction, like gambling or alcohol. I'm not trying to scare you; I'm just being realistic and speaking from experience.
Don't tolerate any behaviour that hurts you. I hope I have helped.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): its a shame that so many men have such distorted views of women and femininity that they can only contain the concept of a woman being a sexual being or a mother...breaking somebody down onto components of who they are and refusing to recoginse them as diverse individuals is called dehumanisation....something the porn industry PROMOTES big time....the dehumanisation of women....
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): oh, to say the woman he loves will no longer be his lover but a mother...it may come as a suprise to you but mothers can and are lovers to...women are not lover OR mother...people who think like that have what psychologists refer to as the madonna/whore syndrome...as a mother of five I can guarantee that the changes women experience are far greater than any man's....and any man who doesn't respect and honour a woman and her body for the amazing gift of a child she has given him isnt worth a minute of the womans time..
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): Hi babes,
Firstly congratulations on the baby, this should be a happy time for both you and your partner. You must be aware, that pregnancy produces hormones that make you feel sensitive and makes you emotional and maybe a little insecure. I'm not happy to hear that your partner has a short temper, that is a concern, because he might find himself under a great deal of stress when the baby is born.
I'm not gonna lie to you, most men (not all) but most men do like to look at porn at times in their lives. It is not a reflection on their love for you, it has nothing to do with whether you are beautiful or not, and unless it interferes with their ability to make love to you or takes up all their time and money it is nothing for you to worry about. I am pro-porn, and I ask women to be tolerant if their men find this a relaxing hobby. He's not gonna run off with a porn star, he's not gonna run out and have an affair with some stranger on the street. Most of the time it's used as a form of stress relief, a 10minute break away from the demands of life, a chance to fall into a unrealistic fantasy, the same as reading a magazine, watching a film, listening to music, or masturbating by yourself.
I won't lie to you about the pregnancy thing either. For men, it can really turn upside down their world. They marry a beautiful young woman, with a slim stomach, ton's of energy and a beautiful sexy walk. Then they turn around and her body is changing. The belly becomes swollen, the breasts get big and start to leak milk, she waddles instead of gliding, she gets moody, emotional and tearful over little simple things. No wonder men get strange and start to do things that they never used to do. This is frightening for him too, no longer a young man, he's going to become a father, and he is married to a woman who is no longer a lover, but is going to be somebody's mother.
He's ashamed about what he is doing, he doesn't want you to find out and feel unattractive, or feel that is a reflection on you. He therefore dose it secretly, he tries hard to hide this form of stress relief because he would hate for you to feel insecure. But you found the porn, now your hating your baby, you hate your body, and you have got upset. Everything that he was frightened would happen, has indeed happened and you have gotten yourself upset.
I don't know about your sex life, you haven't mentioned that. I don't know if you feel more sexy and want sex all the time, I don't know if you feel turned off by sex and don't want it anymore. But your sexuality has probably changed, a stressful thing to him. And how can you have sex like you used too, he'll be frightened about hurting you or hurting the baby. If your belly is large, he'll be frightened of falling on top of you and hurting the baby inside. But he still wants you, he's still sexual, he's using the porn to remove some of the lust that he feels, so he doesn't hurt you. Please understand, what your husband is doing is all because of you. He loves you and wants to keep you safe, he is frightened to love you and show you his sexual desire until after the baby is born. He's thinking about your needs and desires here, as well as his own.
I would suggest that you don't even bring this up, if you feel insecure about porn. They say that communication and honesty is the best policy, but he thinks, what she doesn't know won't hurt her. He doesn't prefer porn to you, he doesn't want to leave you for anyone else. Leave him to look at porn and masturbate, as long as he gives you as much loving as you need in bed. If you don't like porn, my advice is to ignore it, and leave it alone. When the baby is born and older, I bet this porn hobby he has developed to cope with the pregnancy will disappear and he will return to the man he was before. He's thinking about your marriage, your baby and you when he looks at porn. He is trying to do his best by you. That's what I think is going on.
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