A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Im engaged, we have a family. We only have my cell phone, as his broke. We live together btw. So i found out that hes been calling his friends and then deleting call history and txt msgs. I dont understand why hes deleting it. He has every right to call his friends. I wouldnt get upset. Its alarming because weve had trust issues in the past although hes never physically cheated. I love him and dont want to start a fight but i am also very concerned. How do i bring this up to him? I dont want to accuse him, but i wont tolerate clandesdined behavior because for me thats a huge red flag and if it continued i would leave. How can i make that point without coming across as if i am accusing him? And how do i bring it up? I love him and want a secure relationship. Thank you in advance.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2012): If it is a new behavior that you are observing, then yes you have a right to be concerned.I would do this below before you say anything to him which usually leads to arguments and him telling you that you need to trust him.Do you have access to the phone records? I would start there and see who he is calling.Do a reverse phone number look up on the phone numbers that are new to you. That is called a trace. But, to find out who the owner of the phone number is you would have to pay for that information.Sometime you can Google a phone number and the owners name will show.Your sixth sense is telling you that something is not right and your instincts should not be ignored especially if you have had trust issues in the past.I would not approach him until you can find out if indeed there is anything off or wrong with the calls he is making. I've been in the same boat as my fiance and I have separate phones, but we live together, yet we don't have access to each other's phones and there has been a few times that I have wondered if he has been in contact with an ex-girlfriend that he very much loved but she dumped him. The ex was the last girlfriend he dated and I could tell he was deeply hurt by her and he was having a hard time moving forward. He has mentioned wanting to be friends with her which of course I said no to and it makes me wonder if he has initiated contact with her via e-mail or by his cell. I understand where you are coming from.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2012): "I dont understand why hes deleting it.""He has every right to call his friends. I wouldnt get upset. Its alarming because weve had trust issues in the past although hes never physically cheated." He has every right to respect his friends' confidences and keep private conversations private, and given he's sharing a cell phone with a person he can't trust to trust him even though he's given her no reason not to trust him. He'd rather run the risk of coming under suspiscion for not leaving any sort of imaginary "proof" that could possibly lead her to suspect him of cheating when he isn't and therefore betray his friends' trust in him to keep private conversations private, preferring to come under suspicion for not providing her with any info she can possibly twist into "proof" that that she can't not trust him when he hasn't given her any reason otherwise. He knows whatever he does he can't win, imaginary non-existent "proof" lesser of two evils than imaginary existing records that could jeopardize friendships with confidants who probably know the score, and to whom HE may be confiding about paranoid shack-up girlfriend from whom there is no escape now that he's knocked her up so they have kid(s). "How do i bring this up to him? I dont want to accuse him, but i wont tolerate clandesdined behavior because for me thats a huge red flag and if it continued i would leave. How can i make that point without coming across as if i am accusing him?"You can't, asking him why he's deleting records of calls to friends that wouldn't upset you is in effect accusing him of clandestine behavior by failing to provide you with physical evidence he's not engaging in it that would prove that you the proof you need to not have any reason not to not trust him even though he's never given you reason not to trust him. "I love him and want a secure relationship."The one thing you of which you can't be accused is accusing him of is being insecure in your relationship. From his POV, your getting on his back for questioning about what he is doing to get you off his back so you have electronic footprints to trace so you have proof you have no reason to have a reason not to not trust him could be reasonable basis for him to suspect you of suspecting you of being insecure in the security of your relationship.Can you spell "high maitenance?" I don't know how he puts up with you, covering his tracks to cover his tracks so you don't have proof to indicate you have no reason not to trust him must be exhausting. For the sake of your so-called family, (by traditional definition a household in which all members have a legal relationship by marriage, adoption, or blood, which the parents of your children do currently enjoy) lighten up and give it a rest. Let him give you a reason not to have a reason to suspect you can't not not trust him.
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