A
female
age
36-40,
*ananaMuffin
writes:Dear Cupid,Please help! I'm 21 years old in my last year of uni and my 24 year old boyfriend of 8 months has recently started work in the city. Although we have a long distance relationship we see each other roughly every 6 weeks for a couple of weeks. I have only been seeing him for 8 months but have known him for 5 years.He gets very bad migraines twice daily - yes DAILY! - but has been to many specialists and they cannot work out what is wrong with him as they have exhaused their treatments. He has been having these for a year and a half and in the beginning they were not a problem for our relationship - I would give him a massage and they would go away. Recently however they have been causing him mood swings such as depression and irritability. This has put a massive strain on our relationship as I do not know what to do when he gets like this as I only seem to get him annoyed with me. I have asked him what to do when he gets in these moods and he says, "Be nice." The thing is, I'm a really nice girlfriend, I'm never mean to him or jealous etc. and only try to cheer him up when he gets like this, for example by telling jokes. He has just told me that if I wished to cheer him up like this I should at lest tell funny jokes. Pretty cutting.It feels like I often try my best in this relationship but it isn't good enough for him. He knows I worry when he has headaches because I am scared of him being mean to me. He has asked me three times completely out of the blue when he has been in a bad mood to "go away for a few days" or to leave him for a while. I don't like feeling on tender-hooks the whole time as I am always waiting for the next bad mood which has made me really insecure: I'm writing on an online love-help forum at half-one in the morning for goodness' sake! He also doesn't do much to combat this as he does not look kindly on insecurities so I mainly hide them from him until an appropriate time to express them arises. When we have spoken about it he says that I "demonise" him, although I try to be as nice as possible about how hard I try and the way he makes me feel.It also seems that however hard I try with any of our problems that it is not good enough unless it gets results. For example I have had a bit of bad luck recently with the gifts I have given him (Valentines, Christmas, his Birthday) and he sent me a text late at night telling me not to bother getting him presents anymore as I only disappoint him! He can be very ruthless sometimes which is rather demoralising.I know he is ill but I really feel as if I should do something about this but I don't know what? Ideally I would like him to be migraine-free but that doesn't look like an option in the forseeable future. Please PLEASE help, any opinions or comments right now would be oh-so welcome. Am I to blame? Are the headaches the only reason I feel he is being mean to me? Am I setting myself up as the victim when in reality he is? Should I stay with him? In the making-up after one argument he told me that he was worried that he loved me more than I him: I find it hard to believe this when he leaves me feeling so insecure. This has become so bad that it is the only thing that I can think about all day long and have started flirting with other men just to try and regain my confidence. PLEASE HELP CUPIDS!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, yourpaintedsmile +, writes (1 March 2008):
aww sweetie what a nightmareperhaps this story will interest you.i was in a relationship with a guy for 8 years, 4 years in he started getting these dizzy spells, and 12 doctors later, no answers, he got irritated, moody and i was totally treading eggshells for up to a year before a doctor found he has a virus in his ear..however it never really went away. and i lost patience. even though i stuck by him i didnt like being around him anymore. he got bossier, angrier, moodier and i ended up being with my friends and unwittingly building a new future for myself. he became a reculse and i joined a band...i begged him and tried for us to work it out but i had to admit, i didnt like who he had become, he wasnt disabled or suffering, but all of this was a kind of depression masked in some sort of excuse called a virusim not saying your fella is a liar but migranes like this can often be a symptom of something deeper. my uncle has been married to a migrane wife for 21 years and is totally miserable. so is she. but they stayed together for the kids sake...the fact is she is very depressed and difficult. always has been, a nice woman but not much fun...and like my ex, this became worse over time.so think about it, you are doing your best for him but you are only human, you have to think about your life too and if you want this forever..after 2 years of dizzy spells and then a general miserable outlook on everytjhing, i just knew it was time to get out...which i did....i hope his migrane clears up, otherwise u should clear off!!good luck!
A
female
reader, BananaMuffin +, writes (25 February 2008):
BananaMuffin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,Thank you both so much for your responses, it feels so good to know that other people have been in a similar position. To answer some questions, yes, sex does really help, I shall try to help him more with this... In fact maybe that's what he is hinting at when he says I should be nicer... We'll see! Baths on the other hand seem to trigger them, but they used to work. I really can't thank you both enough,Laura 1318) Thank you for your practical point of view, Mandy7) I hope that your experiences can help me before it's too late.BananaMuffin
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (25 February 2008):
 I feel for you and life have been unkind and unfair to you .I am very sorry you are going through a very bad patch in your life.
You are a kind and good natured person but that is not enough to make your life more happier.
It is a harsh reality that when someone is drowning and you are not strong enough to save him,you will have to let him go or you will also drown.
The burden is too big for you to handle.
I have read somewhere and I am not sure whether it works or not;that having sex during migraines may help alleviate his situations. His mind forgets about the migraines .
What happens when you have sex?
Sex stimulates the production of hormones that give pleasure (dopamine) and lighten your mood (serotonin). An act of love also produces endorphins - so called hormones of happiness .These hormones are the natural body’s antidepressant and tranquilizer.
The other way is to have a warmth bath when he has migraines.
This is opinion only. I am no expert.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): Hi Hunny
My first husband got this and was recieving treatment for 5yrs, It turned out to be a change of job that was to stressfull and it continued so bad that our whole family life was ruined, He was in pain then depressed and it was a vicious circle as no doctor would help as they saw no problem. I saw it everyday, Im sending you a link you will have to scroll down as it goes on just about depression for awhile then there is the migraines and depression, Im also sending you another one on a herbal remedy that has been proven to help hunny,
http://www.outcrybookreview.com/Serotonin.htm
http://www.webmd.com/content/article/98/105003.htm?z=1728_00000_1000_tn_04
http://www.selfesteem4women.com/positive-thinking.php
The last link is for you to help your self esteem while you are going through this hunny, No your not to blame and it can be related to stress that brings it on in the first place moving and staring a new job in a new city can add extreem pressure to someone love so no its not you, if you need to message me at any time please feel free for a chat hope this has helped a little TAKE CARE WITH LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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