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anonymous
writes: Hi everyone, after a year of this problem growing, i feel i can't quite fix this and need some advice!2 and a half years ago i moved in with a guy, i've always considered him my flatmate even though we have an intimate relationship, we sleep in the same bed. i like him and respect him a lot and always have but it seems i can't make the commitment to be his girlfriend, i simply don't feel that way, he calls me his girlfriend but i call him my flatmate, i've been very upfront with him and said i don't love him, and he says "i know". i can't afford to move out and he doesn't want me to leave, so it just seems i'm stuck in a rut as it is. we're still really good friends and still sleep in the same bed (one bedroom flat) but not so intimate. i've been saying he should find someone that loves him as much as he loves me but he doesn't want anyone else, i feel selfish and guilty for everything as i can't feel the way he feels for me and just the whole situation. now unfortunately that's not the problem...last year, i've met someone at my gym, he's a personal trainer and beautiful in every way, inside and out! last year while we were both swimming, he asked if i wanted to grab a drink after he finished work, and i said yes, since then i've learnt so much about him and how he's in this relationship that his girlfriend doesn't pay him any attention to him, and in a relationship that isn't working. being a personal trainer, you have to wonder if he does this with all his clients! but not only am i NOT a client, he seems really genuine! we have been intimate which makes me feel really really really disgusting, but he is so so so irresistible, not only is he nice to look at, he makes me laugh and feel so good about myself, he makes me feel special. when i see him at the gym my heart races and i can't help but smile, this was even before we became intimate. all this has happened without my flatmate knowing and my flatmate and i go to the same gym so he knows everyone at the gym.i feel i can never be with him, i need to get over him as we both have our complicated lives to live and sort out, but i am absolutely going crazy, i want to know how he feels but he's so busy with his personal training and when he is free, i can't talk to him in public because his clients might see him with me and someone might see me with him, i cant text him as he uses his phone as a timer when he's personal training! i can't stop thinking of him and wanting him, i just need a bit of advice on everything that you've just read, please no comments on how horrible of a person i am, as i already know and feel that way. i just need straightening up.Thank you for reading.22 year old falling in love with a 30 year old personal trainer
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2011): "we have been intimate which makes me feel really really really disgusting"Which, means, that you need to get out of the relationship and work on your self esteem.You are cheating."he's in this relationship that his girlfriend doesn't pay him any attention to him"Which means that he's a cheater and this is a classic leading line."and in a relationship that isn't working"Because he's a cheater, at the very least."being a personal trainer, you have to wonder if he does this with all his clients"Yeah, you aren't special, just one more of a string."i want to know how he feels but he's so busy with his personal training and when he is free, i can't talk to him in public"Because he might get caught, and by more than his gf, but by one of his other sexual adventures."because his clients might see him with me"And realize that he is doing it to her as well."i cant text him as he uses his phone as a timer when he's personal training"Flat out lie.You are being played because you were ready for it. Primed by low self esteem. Get counseling help so you don't have to repeat this again.
A
male
reader, doublejack  +, writes (8 July 2011):
Sorry, sweetie, but the trainer is absolutely NOT "beautiful in every way, inside and out!" He's cheating on his girlfriend!!! Do you think you're the only girl he's done that with? No way! He has a system... he asked you out for a drink when get got off work, he fed you his standard line that his girlfriend doesn't pay him any attention, and he got what he wanted - into your pants!
This guy is a player. You're a sex object to him. He's taking advantage of the fact that he is good looking and fit, and using his job at the gym to meet women. There's nothing genuine about that!
You need to put this guy out of your mind. You know he's a cheater, how comfortable would you even be if he dumped his girlfriend for you? You can't trust him. He's bad news.
Secondly, I agree with the advice that you need to either get serious with your "boyfriend" or do the right thing and level with him. Sharing the same bed, taking advantage of the fact that he has feelings for you, then sleeping with other guys behind his back... that's not right. You're using the poor guy, and the longer it goes on this way the more hurt he'll be. Two and a half years is long enough to really get to know him, it is time for you to make a decision.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2011): He seems genuine but he's really cheating on his girlfriend? Is that correct, no matter what way you want to dress it up, he's a cheater. And in essence you are cheating too, if you were that serious about not being with your "boyfriend" just break up with him because you are not being honest are you? you can't talk to this guy in public, everything under cover..very soon you will want more, to go out with him in public, to talk to him but my guess is Mr Genuine won't want that because my guess is his girlfriend is totally clueless that anything is wrong and actually things are great. Mr Genuine has free sex on tap and as long as you don't rock the boat everything will be ok. Meanwhile you have built up all these fantasies in your head about how things feel that are totally not true, and my guess when your "boyfriend" finds out he will be absolutely hurt.Is this the way you would want to be treated? You can't afford rent so you will string this guy along, how long will that last? you say you are not so intimate but my guess is you are still having sex, maybe not as exciting as sex with a fit personal trainer but you still are..how does that make you feel? Do you like the deceit?You either break it off completely with your flatmate, just friends,no sex no sleeping in the same bed, then you can pursue Mr Genuine all you like, because you continue down this path someone is going to get hurt..and it wont be Mr Genuine.Good luck.
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