A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for just over a year but in the same relationship for 16 years. This sounds crazy but my husband and I have just stopped having sex - initially I just put it down to stressful jobs (investment banking)and the associated fatigue but at the back of my mind I knew things were not right.And it has almost become a taboo - we have been "dry" for so long it is difficult to get back to how we were before.One night I walked in on him masterbating to various websites that had call- girls in London. He was embarrassed and ashamed and said he only did it when he was drunk. When he went to bed, I viewed the history of the websites he has been visiting and it appears it was happening more frequently than he admitted and while I have been out of the country on business. He then deleted the profile a couple of days later (in case I looked at it). I saw a completely different side to him - alomost deceptive in a way. One night after returning very late - I notice he had an old mobile phone in his pocket (why would anyone need two phones unless to keep particular conversations separate)I noticed there was a text with a girls name and address - unfortunately it did not have the date when it was sent. I do not know this girl- but if he knew her why would she need to send a name and an address. I am thinking this is a call girl...right?After confronting him about the late night out - he told me he was with his friend and his friend backed him up but I notice a couple of days later the name and address of this girl was deleted from his phone.We have both left our jobs so there is less work stress at the moment and he is keen for us to start a family but I am very reticent to do so given - recent events. Am I being unfair/unreasonable? I know that if I ask him outright he will never tell me the truth. I suggested going to counselling but he said that we just needed a holiday.What are your thoughts?
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female
reader, AskEve +, writes (7 October 2008):
 My advice to you would be to nip this in the bud right away or you'll both grow further and further apart. I can imagine how embarrassed he must have felt when you actually caught him masturbating and I think personally this brought him back to his senses, hence the reason for him deleting his account. The other phone with the girl's name and address could have been from that site or someone he met but he knows you're onto him and that's obviously why the details have been deleted from his second phone.
You need to pick your time and talk to him very seriously about this. Let him know if you ever caught him cheating on you what the consequences would be. Let him know too that you've lost trust in him and only by his actions can he help you get that back. Don't shout, pressure or nag him though, keep calm and assertive and keep the conversation short.
You said him looking at these sites was going on for a considerable length of time, that's why there's been no intimacy between you. Why bother and make the effort when he can pleasure himself on these sites? However he's stopped that now (think positive here) so keep communicating and perhaps try to take a weekend break away together and get the passion back into your marriage seeing the stress of work is no longer there.
~Eve~
A
female
reader, lotus mama808  +, writes (7 October 2008):
 I caught my hubby masterbating a numerous of times to girls on line, and he aditted to doing so very frequently. We wernt having a "dry" spell, but I know he isnt cheating (otherwise he wouldnt be masterbating, lol). However, getting text from other females is kind of fishy. Have you asked him to just be honest with you? Have you told him about the evidence that you have found? I can't tell you if he is cheating or not, but trust issues will discontinue your marriage if you two are not open to eachothers thoughts, feelings and actions. I had to make that very clear to my hubby in order for him to be honest with me.
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