A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've recently met this guy and he's just split with the mother of his 3 year old daughter, so I know his daughter is the most important thing but last nite after seeing he daughter, he come out with my mate and her guy, halfway through the nite she calls him, he ignores it then 5 missed calls later he answered, then he said he had to go and see his ex, leaving everyone in a bad mood. In the end he didn't go but I felt very strange that he was going to see her, he even said it was nothing to do with the kid but something on the computer that someone had said.Anyway just before closing she called again still he did not pick up, but said he would have to go now to go and sort it out which he did. Am I just being stupid or should I worry about this?any advice
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008): One of the most difficult relationships you can have is with a man/women who has a child to someone else. I have been in both positions, the girlfriend and the mother.
When relationships break up and a child is involved, emotions and involvement with your childs father/mother continues. It is a very difficult and at times rocky road, for both parties.
As a girlfriend you get a bit jealous and fearful that something is still there between the two, as the mother you get a bit resentful and jealous that your partners life has continued nicely, new partners, free time, andes and your still having to be responsible and a mother first, feeling that you have now no life.
It takes a fairly mature attitude to continue a relationship with a man who has committments and willingness to be involved with his child. You need to understand that this situation may well happen time and time again. He is a father. It is possible his ex is still carrying feelings, you have not really said much about his past relationship, but even if this is the case, she and he have this child and it is both of their priorities. She many well use the child to get his attention if she is feeling jealous of his new relationship, calling him and making him be attentive, possibly to muck up your time. Usually, as his now new girlfriend, you will get a bit pissed off at this and start to make your own demands. Meanwhile the father is struggling to be the responsible dad, and be the attractive new catch on the block, with his shit together!
My advice really is that you do need to consider if you can handle this type of relationship. There is nothing wrong with being involved with someone who has children, but it does require a fair amount of maturity and empathy to make it successful.
It is not a decision to take lightly, as the children grow and require move involvment from him, you will find yourself at times taking second place. Second place is not meant to sound derogatory but the reality. This is where your maturity and understanding of his obligations, baggage and emotional ties to his past will be paromount in whether you have a sucessful relationship with this guy.
It is not easy to handle and it is hard for his ex too. He probably with find it hard to please everyone.
Your young, no children and able to decide if you want to date him, his child and to a certain extent his ex.
He has no choice, both will be in his life forever. If the relationship is new, decide if you would be able to handle things like this, for some time. If you get upset with his attentions still attached to his ex, you make it much harder for him as well.
Equally you are not a doormat and need attention. It then becomes not so much about if he comes and goes to the ex/child, but how you handle it when he does.
A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (18 February 2008):
 Hi
Its too soon after they have split by the sound of it, not to worry.
She sounds like shes not over him and calling him round there late at night isnt good for you.
I wouldnt be happy about it, and yes, i would be worried.
It would be awful if he's not ready to move on from her yet and you get caught up in it.
Just be a bit careful.
Take care.
C xxxxx
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