A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together 8 months and we get on like a house on fire, I've never felt like this with anyone before, everything just worked. Before christmas he was having a tough time and I supported him best I could not giving him any extra hassles and letting him vent and get angry if thats what he needed. After christmas things started getting on track for him, he joined the TA, got a job, car and generally got it all together like when we first met. At this point things went a little wrong for me and I just needed him to be there for me for a while. He failed. And we started arguing because I was upset and he wasnt willing to deal with it and started treating me badly. He'd ignore me, have better things to do and would just generally say to me 'if your gonna be moody i dont wanna see you'. We started to sort things out at last and I then found out he had been having an emotional affair (and two kisses) with a girl he'd been previously intimite with. I was devastated. He doesnt seem to understand how its made me feel. I want him to tell her to back off/go away, but he says they are just friends. I ended it. But i know i love him i miss him terribley and he wants to fix this, so i said we can try. He said hes not talking to her and he wants, needs, misses and loves me. But he stil wont except he cheated and how hurt i am and that its gonna take a long time to regain my trust. I have become paranoid that whenver he doesnt answer or 'has plans' hes with her.... because i know when we weere trying to work it out, he was seeing her. how can i make him understand?
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (9 May 2011):
 this lad is selfish. you were there when he needed you, when you needed him he was too childish to deal with it and help you or at least be there for you. kissing someone who you have previously been intimate with as well as being emotional or flirty with them IS cheating and i think he KNOWS it is but he thinks he can convince that you're over reacting as long as he keeps on professing that he's right about this and your wrong.
if he 'loves' you he wouldn't have treated you this way, so i suspect that he doesn't, not really
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2011): YES, what he did IS cheating and until he admits to it and also to the HURT he has caused you, I don't think this relationship will repair right and you won't respect him or trust him until he sees the light. You are simply trying to protect yourself from further lies, deception and heartache. That is a normal thing for a person to want to protect themselves from harm! And one more important thing: You have no way of knowing if he has cut off that third wheel. He MUST cut off ALL ties with that other person. PERIOD. NO contacting her again, not even for a "hello." There is no more need. So he needs to prove it to you. Not just tell you. He should give you all access to his emails, cell phone and everything just so you can see for yourself. He shouldn't come home late or ignore your calls. He should be where he says he'll be, and do what he says he'll do. If there's no room for doubts, then you won't have any! I hate it when people cheat and blame their partner instead of taking responsibility. They expect you to take the blame and forgive and forget, and they are callous about how they made you feel! Often, cheaters have a hard time cutting off the one they snuck around with, and when the affair is brought into the open, they really try to keep in touch with that third person, saying they can "be friends.." Friendship like THAT is not gonna work and it will only prove to make you feel more offended, mistrusting and humiliated and disrespected. After the affair, the only thing a cheater should be doing is focusing on making themselves trustworthy and trying to make the relationship work. The LAST thing a cheater should do is worry about talking to the one they cheated with!! And if he can't admit he cheated, then maybe that's because he plans to keep talking to her and he can justify it by saying "it wasn't cheating, so we can be friends." Don't let this happen. You can't control other people but you CAN control what you allow yourself to be put through. If this situation is not for you and you'd rather not be put through it, then DON'T be a victim.Maybe when you're GONE, he'll see just what he did wrong.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (5 May 2011):
 "We get on like a house on fire" um. Let's dissect this one a bit, okay? You had to let him vent and be nasty when things weren't going well for him. You had a rough patch and rather than help you, he told you he couldn't deal with it. Arguments. And then he rekindles feelings for an ex. You get on like a house on fire that is burning down.
Based on what you've written about him, he pretty much is selfish guy who found a girl who is willing to put up with his narcisism. Why wouldn't he try to stay with you? Who else would have him? He's a selfish, unsupportive, angry, argumentative guy who vanishes when he's needed. Look at him clearly, not through your wishful-thinking glasses. He's not what you hoped he would be, sorry to report.
Deeds, not words, and his deeds, not to put too fine a point on it, SUCK. He's a loser, and as soon as you can see that clearly, you'll be better off.
Take care of yourself. Good luck.
Oh, and you can't make him see what he has no interest in seeing. That's a lost cause, sorry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): I agree with Cerberus as well. You cannot make anyone understand and as long as your plans for future happiness rely on that you're doomed to misery.
The one who has a problem here is you, not him, he's getting what he wants and has nothing to gain by 'understanding'. It is YOU who must change. You must decide if want to continue this way with a man of questionable character who is cleary exploring other options or end it with him so you can be free to seize (and create) opportunities for something better.
You have far too many options in life to be limiting yourself to this.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (5 May 2011):
 Cerberus is dead on. He probably does fully understand, but what's in it for him to admit his fault? If he can continue to insist that he did nothing wrong, he can continue to be "the good guy" with the insecure girlfriend. You're not being overly insecure, he's being a jerk. He will never admit to it, because again, there's nothing in it for him. You need to just leave.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (5 May 2011):
When he says he hasn't cheated, does he mean, physically, in that he didn't have sex with her? Whilst you are meaning that he has cheated because he overstepped the boundaries of what is appropriate. Ask him if his behaviour was appropriate considering he was in a relationship with you. If he still says yes, then I don't think you are going to be able to work through this, as he doesn't see that he's done anything wrong. But if he can take your point, and see how you feel and see that it was inappropriate, then at least you have something to build on. If this is true then you both need to try and put it behind you, and concentrate on having good times together and rebuild what you used to have.
About you needing him and him not being there for you, perhaps he is not the kind of guy that can give emotional support very well. Lots of guys are like this. You don't know each other very well, it takes a lot of time to understand another person and get used to how to best be around each other whenever there are any issues. But you can't expect him to respond in the same way to you, that you do to him. He may show that he cares, in other ways.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): Why would he want to understand? If he "understands" and admits responsibility then he won't be able to keep doing that. But as long as he doesn't admit he did anything wrong he can keep cheating on you with her and keep building his relationship with her without feeling bad about it.
You're the one who needs to "understand" OP, you need to understand that you're the only one who wants to make this work. He couldn't give a crap, he gets to bone you and he gets to develop his emotional relationship with this other girl and you're not going to do anything but moan about it because you love him. So there are no negative consequences for him. He gets to have both of you and all he has to do is listen to you moan about it. Not a bad deal if you ask me. Not a very good deal for you but you're choosing to stay with a cheater and honestly OP he just doesn't give a crap, because he knows you stay no matter what he does. He doesn't need to regain your trust at all because you're not going anywhere because you love him. So why would he need to do anything?
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (5 May 2011):
 Short answer... you can't.
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