A
female
age
36-40,
*roken_hearted23
writes:I've been trying to find ways to get over the hurt I've just experienced. I found this website and read one woman's question and her experience sounded exactly like mine. I recently was invovled with a married man for 4 months. Last night our romantic relationship officially ended. When we first met we became friends, we had so much in common and naturally connected with each other. He use to tell me about how unhappy he was in his marriage, that he has been married to his wife for 6 years, been with her for 10 but the past year has been miserable for him because of how selfish she has been and how much she was mistreating him. I felt sorry for him and wanted to be there for him as a friend. We became so close that we began to develop strong feelings for each other. I told him things about myself that no one knew, I told him about the bad luck I've had with men and how every man I've ever been with has mistreated me abd broke my heart. One day he told me that his wife and himself were finally seperated and after that we became romantically invovled. He would always tell me how much he loved me and how he felt complete when he was with me. He always would tell me how before he married his wife his mother and cousins had warned him not to marry her because she wasn't right for him. He would say how he wished he would have listened to them and that he's always felt something missing with her. He called me his soulmate and told me that I was the woman he had been looking for all of his life. I believed every word he said, I was vulnerable and in love so I believed everything he told me. When his wife finally found out about me everything changed. At first he told me he was glad she found out so that he wouldn't have to sneak around anymore. But then a month later he began to become distant. He went from telling me he wanted to leave her for me to telling me he had to at least try and make things work and if they didn't he would be with me. And he was telling me that the only reason he was staying with her was because of his son. Last night I emailed him and he called me and was mad because his wife saw the email. He sat on the phone and made me feel bad for emailing him and called me selfish. His wife responded back and told me that she wasn't going to tolerate me contacting him anymore and that he told her that he supposedly told me he didn't want to have anything to do with me. He never said anything like that to me. That made me so angry because he's obviously been lying to me and still lying to her. He made me look like an obssessed woman who won't let him go. And that is no where near the case. He allowed me to carry the burden of guilt for their marriage falling a part and them being in the process of getting a divorce. I haven't been able to sleep lately because I feel so guilty for being invovled with this married man and affecting his wife and his son's lives. And all the while he's been lying and playing us both. I trusted him with my heart and he betrayed me. I haven't spoken to him since last night and I have to face him tomorrow because we work together. He is being transferred next month to another state and he's leaving in a few weeks to drive his wife and son back to atlanta. When he leaves I'll never have to see him again but I still have to live with the guilt and heart break he caused me. I so badly want to get revenge and tell his wife all the times he snuck around and called me when she would leave the house after she had told him to cease communication with me. Or all the times he was sneaking to my house and sleeping with me and how I might be pregnant with his child. I just feel so used and betrayed and now I'm starting to think that I was just someone he could come sleep with when he wanted sex because his wife wasn't having sex with him. I know that I shouldn't have continued on in this relationship with him, especially after his wife found out about me because I know I wouldn't want something like this to happen to me if I was married. But I was so blinded by love and in so deep that I didn't see it like that at the time. I feel so ashamed for being invovled with a married man because this is not something I normally do. I was hurt so bad that I don't think I could ever trust another man again and I'm not so sure I believe in love anymore or even believe it exists. He took advantage of my vulnerablity and used me. I believed I was special to him and believed that he really did love me and wanted to be with me,but they were all lies. He seemed like such a caring and compassionate man and now I know it was all an act just to get what he wanted. My question is, how do I get over this without stooping down to his level? How do I get over the hurt and put this all behind me because right now I don't know how?
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affair, be pregnant, cousin, divorce, her ex, married man, might be pregnant, revenge, soulmate Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2010): Please be strong for yourself. And be very, very proud of yourself for being able to see things as they are. You have seen through every bit of deception when you could have gone on being deluded.
People change. Relationships change. And being married adds complication to what is happening... its like living with your ex and dating the next person. The man cannot move on... He should not have dated you. You have learnt a lesson to stay away from men who are committed, even if only in name. There must be things playing on his mind as well. Maybe their relationship will die anyway. Maybe they will lie to each other and live with each other. But soon, it won't matter to you. He will become someone you couldn't care less about. It won't matter whether he snuck or who he is lying to because you won't be vulnerable to him anymore. So, chin up.
And don't be bitter.
What I do want to tell you is that you mentioned being cheated before... When you are not as raw as you are now, do spend some time thinking about this. Write here if you like or read up... you must try to find out what is in your mind which results in you entering into relationships with bad pennies... It could be that you feel scared of commitment, it could be that you feel unworthy.... work it out.
Not everyone in love with a "married man" is a )*&^%. Transitions take forever in modern socities... and relationships happen. Sometimes neither party believes there can be any problems, but there are...
http://www.amazon.com/How-Survive-Your-Boyfriends-Divorce/product-reviews/0871318873/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_4?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=4&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending
A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (12 March 2010):
 A man who cheats is automatically a liar. He definitely saw your weakness and took advantage of it. You have every right to be angry, but he WILL pay for his actions, even if you never see it.
You will find the strength to move on because you have no choice. Don't worry about him and his marriage;his mess is his mess. Instead, focus your energy on figuring out how to have healthy relationships so you don't end up with men who mistreat you and break your heart. Heal yourself so you won't be fooled again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2010): Instead if gettibng upset with the 2 people who made you look critically at your actions try to learn from this all. You have no idea at the destruction you have caused to his wife and kid. You still. Chose to have sex with this MM when his wife discovered your affair. You seem to think you are a victim here. You are not. The only victim is his wife. Next time stop before you indulge in an affair with with another married man. Then you don't have to go through any emotional issues. You were wrong to have this affair in the first place. Did you not worry about his wife, his marriage. Stop feeliong sorry for yourself you made a choice to sleep with someone elses husband and now you are crying about the consequences of your actions. Clean up your life and move on . You have learnt a life changing lesson.
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A
female
reader, broken_hearted23 +, writes (11 March 2010):
broken_hearted23 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate the advice from the two women who didn't sugar coat their responses and were honest in their opinions. I agree that the best thing for me to do is to just move on like yall said and put it behind me. I just have to find the strentgh in me to do it. To the person who had nothing but negative things to say to me and judged me without knowing me, I didn't come on here to ask for anyone to feel sorry for me. Yes I know what I did was wrong and there is no excuse for my actions,but there is no excuse for how he treated me as well. You shouldn't be so quick to judge me and call me names and make me out to be this heartless woman who goes around breaking up marriages. Until you find yourself in a messed up situation like this you have no idea. Love influences us in so many ways and you don't have control over who you fall in love with. I've never been invovled with a married man before him, we started off as friends and I never had any intention of being invovled with him. But there's no need for me to get upset over your opinions because that's all they are but opinions and I didn't expect for every person who read this to be kind in their words about it. Again I appreciate the advice and I know not to allow myself to end up in a situation like this again.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 March 2010):
 Well first of all, STOP dating married men and you will NEVER end up in a situation like this.
He did use you. Understand that you deserve better. We all do - married or single.
You might also want to take some time and examine WHY you had no problems being in a relationship with a married man.
PS, I'm willing to bet most of the things he told you about his horrible wife were lies to get you on the hook..
DO NOT take the blame for the divorce. HE is the one who stepped out of HIS marriage to whore around. However, you COULD have said no.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, needadvise +, writes (11 March 2010):
Honestly I don't feel sorry for you if that what you are expecting, you stated at the begining that yall began until after he was seperated but then you state that you want to let her know about all the times when he would call you as soon as he left his WIFE and come to your house just to sleep with you b/c she wasnt, well that sounds like you knew they were still together, that isnt called vulnerablity itz called being a !#@%. You say that you dont want to scoop to his level well guess what you went lower then him b/c as woman we should have that morality of what you are worth, but i guess some lack that part. One more thing wives are wives and for girls sleeping with married men you will never be at a wives level b/c you are just their spare their hobby their past times. and dont worry you will know what the pain of another woman feels like cause what goes around comes around.
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A
female
reader, kayla20  +, writes (11 March 2010):
 dont have any contact with this man he is obviously a complete rat that just wanted something exciting without taking into consideration anyone elses feelings.to be honest you shouldnt have got involved at all knowing that he was married but i know how men work and sometimes its hard not to be sucked in by words.you dont want to stoop to his level by emailing his wife telling him all the times he came round and how you think you could be pregnant with his child you have to think she is as much a victim in this as you are and she doesnt need anymore heartbreak than she probably is already going through.a man that is taken usually if getting caught out will always run back to the wife in fear of loosing the routine and cushy life (family) so he probably will always run back to her even if he is unhappy.your not the only person he is going to do this to if he has done this with you hel feed some other women the sympathy lines to draw them in and his poor wife will find out and hel loose her and his son so he will get his comeupance just try and move on i know its hard but cut all ties with him and his wife ignore him when your at work and if he tries to talk to you tell him your not interested let him know he hasnt got another chance with you his a liar and a cheat and hel never change
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