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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I lost my first love. He dumped me like that. It was an on/off relationship. It would've been perfect hadn't it been because of his problem.He had a problem with my past. He verbally and emotionally abused me. He called me too many names and thought he was in the right of putting me down because I was a "slut" and that because I should've thought about all of this before doing what I did in the past (not like I cheated, you know, he cared about stuff that happened way before I met him). He thinks I didn't love him, because I lied once, but he also lied and I forgave him.All I do is love him. I did everything for him. I put up with a lot. Not many girls would have dedicated themselves so much for a guy.How can I stop loving him? How can I get over him? He was the one with the problem, not me, I loved him just as he is, I didn't care about stupid crap and if he hadn't cared about that, we would have had the perfect relationship!Also, what happens if I see him with someone else? I couldn't deal with that. I can barely stand this pain! Please how can I make it stop I'm desperate I've been crying for like an hour!!! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, thatgothgirl20  +, writes (12 September 2008):
 I had a similar problem. Dated a guy who later claimed that he wouldn't have wanted me anyways, because I had already "been with" another guy. Actually it wasn't consentual, that other guy raped me, but because some other guy had been inside me, he didn't want me, even though it wasn't my fault. Some men are as______. The reason why you are probably still stuck on him is you are probably attracted to people that are very difficult to please. You see them as sort of a challenge or something, and probably figure if you can measure up to their strictest of standards, that maybe you can be happy with who you are. I suggest you find a new love-yourself.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2008): He was an insecure jerk who took his feelings of inadequacy out on you. You are not a slut. People need sex. Women need sex just as much as men do, and we (as women) cannot be expected to put our desires on hold out of respect for a future boyfriend who may or may not exist, and who may or may not have a problem with our behavior. I am a 32 year old female who has had more than her share of sexual experiences with many different men. I don't regret one bit, because it made me happy and how can I really regret something that made me happy?I have come across two men in my life who could not accept that I had a life before they came along, and I could not get out of those relationships soon enough! One lasted over a year, and it was toxic. It sapped my energy, my self-esteem started to go down the toilet after listening to all his GARBAGE about me being slutty or what have you- eventually I realized (like you) that it was HIS problem, NOT mine! Everyone in my life was telling me to dump him because he was emotionally and verbally abusive (like your ex) and I didn't have the strength. You know why? Because he wore me down! He took away my power and self-respect by constantly shaming me about my past and after a few months of listening to it everyday I began to internalize it and wonder if I truly had betrayed him because I had sex with these other men before he came along... My friends and family soon snapped me out of that, I tell you what, if it wasn't for them I wouldn't have had the courage to leave him! It was the best thing I could have done for myself.You cannot be with a man who judges you for your past. It'll never bring happiness! Sure you'll have your moments together where things are good but it's just on a surface level. Deep down he is probably thinking about your past and whether or not you'll be like that again and all sorts of other things and he'll lash out at you for it over and over and over again until you are beaten down. It's a form of control, they use it to make you feel like you owe them something. And you'll never be able to win a fight because it's guaranteed that everytime you two get into an argument, he'll bring up your past again, steering you off topic and away from any resolutions. Trust me, I experienced this in two relationships.Thankfully the second one was much shorter because I caught onto his game faster! This boy did you a favor letting you go, he's a good one when compared to the other guys who get like this over their girlfriend's past! Most will keep you in the relationship for as long as possible, it's a weird mix of co dependency, self-loathing, jealousy and sexual insecurity that produces men like this. They feel like they need you but they know they can't accept you, so they hold onto you as fast as they can while at the same time blaming you for every problem they have. If you see him with someone else, feel lucky it's not you! You are free from his cycle of abuse and dependency! And lastly don't blame yourself for any of this! It's every persons right to do whatever they please so long as it is consensual and safe! You never cheated on anyone, you're in the clear.P.s. I am now with an amazing guy who doesn't judge me at all for my incredibly colorful past. So hold on, there will be men out there who will love every inch of you and every bit of your past, because it made you who you are. My new boyfriend has never called me a slut, he wouldn't dream of it. Slut-shaming is a problem in this society and it's got to stop. Adult females should be allowed to sleep with who they want, when they want to- so long as it's safe and consensual and no one is cheating, I can't imagine a problem with it, and neither can my man. We've been together for just over a year and a half, and jealousy has never been an issue, he's a breath of fresh air compared to the stress of dealing with those other two. Look on the bright side alwaysxx
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A
male
reader, Replacement  +, writes (12 September 2008):
 Saltwater is right on the money with this one. Just be glad it's over, hopefully the next man will be able to handle you and your past. It's unfortunate that he felt the need to dwell on it, one day he will come to terms with himself and won't feel the need to do this anymore. Luckily for you, you don't have to be around him while he figures it all out. He did you a huge favor. Be thankful.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (12 September 2008):
 Love is very hard to get over after a break up. Really you just have to give it time, things will gradually improve. In the mean time just focus on other things, keep yourself busy.
What happened to you can happy quite a lot: many people come on this site with a similar issue in their relationship. I don't think I'd describe it as 'stupid crap' as you do, perhaps your seeing this as meaningless was unhelpful? Who we have sex with and how we behave sexually is not meaningless or stupid crap, especially in the minds of our partners. It does matter: our actions define who we are.
Learn from this. It's best never to lie about yourself since once the truth is found out (and it always is), trust is broken. But at the same time, it's best to avoid any details about your past with your new partner(s), at least until you are in a very stable place. I recommend sticking to a very high level description and leaving it at that. No good ever came from a current boyfriend digging around in details about previous ones.
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A
male
reader, saltwater  +, writes (12 September 2008):
 "Not many girls would have dedicated themselves so much for a guy."
So why did you? He clearly doesn't deserve you, and if you see him with another girl you should pity that girl who has to put up with what you had to put up with. To be honest, I don;t think you can ever have a perfect relationship with someone who calls you a slut.
How do you get over him? Well you put yourself out there to meet a guy who DOES deserve you. Guaranteed once you meet someone who you like; and who likes you back -- and someone who doesn't call you a "slut" -- then you will forget all about this man.
You said it yourself, he was the one with the problem. Go and find someone who doesn't have a problem.
Take care
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