A
female
age
41-50,
*lower18
writes:I don’t know what to do anymore. I have been married for 10 years to my husband, we dated for about 2 years before that and we have two children together ( almost 8 and 4 years old) (he also has two from a previous marriage). I just recently found out that my husband has been going to strip clubs about once every couple months or so with his friends for quite some time. This came about after we were having dinner with some friends and they were talking about our bachelor/bachelorette parties. I didn’t have a bachelorette because personally…I just think they are kind of stupid. I didn’t look at my marriage like I was giving up my ‘freedom’ and it was time for my last hoorah. Anyway, I knew my husband had one. They went go carting and to a Dave and buster’s kind of thing. I figured his best man would take him to a strip club. I hated the idea and didn’t want him to go, but I didn’t say anything. I didn’t know what happened that night, especially with the whole ‘guy code’. As it turns out, the stripper was very, very touchy feely apparently. Like even more so than what many say is allowed. And supposedly all the guys went to the VIP room or something similar to it and he was playing with her boobs and groping and smacking her butt. His buddy thought it was just so funny that my husband got a hard on because of her. I have never felt so upset, mad, and embarrassed in all of my life. I didn’t know what the hell to think or say. I know that he looks at porn now and then and has a couple magazines. Like strip clubs, I hate it. Absolutely hate it. I’ve told him I don’t like it. But what the hell do I say? I’m not his mom. After we got home I asked him why he goes. I said what am I doing wrong? He said ‘nothing, just that he just likes to look at naked women, that he is a red-blooded man’. He also said that while he thinks I am beautiful and that he loves me, I’m not as sexually attractive to him as I was 14 years ago. I started crying. Ok, so I’m not skinny or fit. I am tall and have a pear shape. I’m not fat but after 2 kids my body doesn’t look the same (not that it was great to begin with) even with diet and exercise; which I do both of. But really? I don’t know what to do or what to say, or even wtf to even think. I don’t want to nag, but holy shit. I don’t want him walking all over me. Advice please?Thanks xop.s. sorry it's so long
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (12 September 2013):
 So let me see, according to his logic we should all remain 21 years old and run around the house nude. Those days are over dude. Life has a way of stepping in and slapping the heck outa us all. Nobody stays young and sexy for more than a few years(darn it). He'll out grow it. Why not buy a few more mirors for his side of the room. He can't see himself as aging. All us men stay 20 in our brain but the body goes on aging
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 September 2013):
 Great to hear from you again and that you and him had a chance to talk it out and decide on the first few steps to take towards getting back the intimacy.
He laid himself pretty flat for you, and while this could be good (a sign he wants to work on things, and that he's got humility) it could also be his way of staying away from conflict. You know your husband best, is he conflict shy? Because if so you will not get anything solved if you confront him, but need to create an atmosphere where he feels he can speak without getting judged for it.
I have a conflict shy boyfriend who lays himself flat for most things, and easily takes the blame for everything, and hardly ever tells me I need to apologize. So I know, a conflict shy person apologizing doesn't mean anything is fixed, it just means they don't want to deal with it. You know your husband best, and for the time being it could be good to go along with his apology and accept it. But if he's conflict shy it could be better to keep digging at this, although gently. You know him best.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 September 2013):
 That's good news, I really do hope it works out for you. Keep on communicating and talking and maybe this all will result in a stronger and healthier relationship. Best wishes.
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female
reader, flower18 +, writes (8 September 2013):
flower18 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo today the kids went to his parents house and it gave us the opportunity to talk. He said that he only goes when it is him and his group of friends and they don't go to the same one each and every time, as in there is a certain girl that he likes. He said that they mostly just watch and drink beer and talk. I told him the best way that I could without getting upset that it hurts me. I told him that it hurts that he goes and most of all that he hasn't told me. I told him that what he said about me being attractive cut me real deep. He said that he was being stupid and defensive, that I am gorgeous to him. He said the loves me a lot, more so than any girlfriend/relationship he has ever been in. He felt really bad about it.He decided to stop going and see if this the cause of most of our issues and so that we can focus on getting our intimacy back. If that doesn't work and there is still a big elephant in the room and its something we can't solve with each other that we would look into counseling. He wants to stay married and can't even see himself without me. So, we are going to take it day by day.Thank you so much to everyone that answered. I really appreciate it.xo
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 September 2013):
You've found out years after the fact that your husband interacted in a sexual way just prior to your wedding, with a stripper. I can understand why you'd be upset.
The anon posters here who freak out when a woman DARES to omit the teensiest detail of her sexual intimacies with other men prior to getting married are not surprisingly, silent here. This is a classic "boys will be boys" defense. He reacted to you by undermining your femininity and asserting that his masculinity trumped any reservations or concerns that you might have on the subject.
You know what? You are supposed to be a partnership, a TEAM. Not two players on opposing sides. He is not defending his team, he is not supporting his partner, he is saying, "hey, I'll do what I like and you aren't the woman you used to be." *sarcasm font: Nice, very nice.*
You get the right to react to the revelations of your friends, it's fresh to you, it's new information about him.
(One thing I don't thing men "get" about this is how much this type of behavior diminishes and tarnishes the respect a woman wants to feel for her man. It makes him kind of tacky. And to find that out in front of friends? That would feel really really bad.)
As a team player, as a PARTNER who was fully invested in this relationship with you, he should have taken the opportunity to support you. "Yes, I do go to strip clubs. I like looking at naked women. But you are the most amazing woman and I would never ever leave you and I love you so much." Instead, he basically told you that you are doing the completely natural activity of aging. (Gracefully, if you are keeping that weight down and staying active.) Men know what you are going to look like as you age, all they have to do is look at your older female relatives. Not rocket science here. He chose you, pear shape and all. So he doesn't get to act all dismissive of you because you have done the mortal thing of AGING.
How much is he spending on strippers? I'd be very curious to know that. That's money he's taking away from the team. Do you get that kind of play money?
I'd call him on the bullshit "boys will be boys" you-need-to-get-stripper-tits-in-order-to-matter-to-me attitude.
I probably would consider making an appointment with a marriage counselor ASAP, one that he can attend, and go, even if he doesn't.
You will need some time to process the new information about the physical sexual intimacy he experienced with a stripper (yeah yeah yeah I know men do it all the time, blah blah blah, she just found out about it so give this woman some slack and some permission to FEEL that) so that you can reset your expectations of your husband and re-establish a new intimacy with him.
So OP, what you are doing wrong is expecting the marriage to chug along without addressing your valid feelings about his continuing contact with strippers. Hell, if he was groping back then, he may well still be in physical contact with them.
As for the porn use, well, that doesn't exactly enhance his standing in your eyes, I know. Go to that website: http://yourbrainonporn.com which may help explain that a bit. Make sure he gets a chance to see that website too.
So time to start honestly talking with him, and listening. And if he's not able to do that, well, you'll have some decisions to make.
Good luck. I hope to hear that you work it out.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (7 September 2013):
There is something important to keep in mind, that most who have commented have forgotten about. And that is you can not force yourself to be attracted to someone you're not attracted to. Even if a wife supports her husband, that doesn't mean he should "wise up" and be attracted to her if she has let herself go. A married person has a responsibility to be healthy NOT just for themselves, but also for their partner and their children.
Now, if I understand the OP correctly this isn't about weight, so this was just an example. But the bottom line is the same. Your husband can not force himself to be attracted to you if he has lost the attraction. And more: it hurts him too. It isn't a good feeling to not be attracted any longer to the person you love and are married too. He has stayed silent about this for a long time, because HOW do you tell someone this? There is no nice way of saying it, and if you hadn't pushed him to say it he probably wouldn't have said anything at all, ever.
Even if he didn't go to strip clubs.. well the problem would still be there! Only then you'd not have to worry abut it because for YOU there'd be no problem. But that leaves him suffering alone. It is GOOD that this has come out in the open.
This isn't about taking you for granted or "will strippers take care of him in old age" or him not knowing that people age. This is very, very basic: he's no longer attracted to you. There could be many reasons why, but you'll have to ask him to find out. But going unresolved it will bring down your marriage. Whether it is through strippers, or an affair on the side, or divorce, or silently disappearing into two different worlds until you no longer know your own husband.
But he told you the truth and you can change this together.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (7 September 2013):
The way you worded it made it sound like you gained weight from the pregnancies and didn't lose it. If you are the same size as you were when you got married then the situation is a different one.
You have a very hostile attitude, and you are looking for evidence that your husband is intentionally trying to hurt you. Yes, he knows how you feel about strip clubs. But he's not going to spite you! He's not going because he wants to hurt YOU. Him going there is not something he does to get back at you, it has nothing to do with you, I'd say. I honestly and firmly believe he goes to strip clubs not to hurt YOU, but because HE likes it. It's not all about you, not every thing he does it with you in mind. That is what I mean. He doesn't go because he wants to hurt you, he goes for other reasons. So no, he isn't intentionally trying to hurt you.
You still need to talk to him and keep the lines of communication open. Look, he's been with you for 12 years, if he wanted another type of woman he'd divorce you and go get that other type of woman. You're clearly the one he loves and wants, despite you trying to convince yourself otherwise. But him being "wrong" and you being "right" in this case doesn't solve anything. So try not to focus so much on the "who's right" part of this. Instead, see this as a challenge you as a married couple are facing. This isn't you VS your husband. This is your marriage VS a problem.
Trying to pass blame and leave your husband with all the responsibility is NOT going to solve anything. If you do not love him, and do not want to be married, the get a divorce. If not, then talk to him, communicate, and work on it. Staying married while passing blame and turning each other into enemies will only make you both lose the battle. There are no winners in a failing marriage. If he goes down then you go down with him. If you want your marriage to get better then work at it TOGETHER, that is the only way.
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female
reader, HappyPlace  +, writes (7 September 2013):
 Me again. And just one other thing. Think of all the men in the public eye who have cheated on their beautiful wives - Silvio Berlusconi, Tiger Woods etc. It wasn't that their wives were too fat or not attractive enough, their ugly husbands with their stupid sense of entitlement caused all the problems. Don't buy in to what some people have said on here. Good luck xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2013): Yes any red blooded man will find a young sexy woman arousing. Just as any red blooded woman will find a handsome hunk attractive.
But there is a difference between feeling or thinking something and acting on it. You can think that stranger on the street is hot and fantasize what it would be like to have sex with them, and keep that thought in your head only. Its quite a different thing to take action and actually have sex or try to have sex with them.
Thus your hb is in the wrong. He can't help finding other women attractive. But that doesn't mean its morally acceptable for him to actually act on his arousal with someone else and going to strip clubs to ogle and touch naked women IS acting on it.
He also cannot help if help it if he doesn't find you as attractive as before. I lost my atttraction to my husband when he gained 80 lbs and refused to lose it. I waited 15 years for him to lose it but no this was the new him and I just didn't feel any sexual attraction to him at all. I just couldn't feel aroused by an obese body. I loved him dearly as a friend but in the end I had to leave him cos I could not feel any sexual desire towards him anymore as much as I wanted to. I felt toward him like he was my brother. ...
So I get that your hb can't control whether or not he finds you attractive. But again it does not give your hb a right to seek sexual encounters from other people. If he is SO desperate to have sex with other women then that means he is not emotionally invested enough in your relationship to care about your feelings and have that override his desire for sex with others. In which case I would say there is no real marriage anymore.
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A
female
reader, HappyPlace +, writes (7 September 2013):
Ooooo, I'm as mad as hell after reading some of the replies to you, especially the ones tellings you to work out and possible implants - WTF - are you serious???? Does your husband look like Brad Pitt?? Does he have a ripped toned stomach?? Is he balding or does he have all of his hair?? Why the fuck should you make all the changes, I am tired of this one-sided play in which the women have to do all the work and the men do fuck all - pardon my language but I am angry. If you look up, yourbrainonporn, you will see that men who regularly go to strip clubs or view porn, will start seeing their partner as less attractive. This is what has happened. He needs to lay off the porn and stop going to strippers. And yes, possbibly after a number of years together, the sex can wane and not be as exciting as it was at the beginning, but love should be the overriding factor here. The comfort of making out with someone that you know so well can have it's own benefits. I think some of the advice telling you to work out is BS - it won't help your situation. When I was younger I had a cracking figure, but now, due to cancer, I have one breast and various treatments have left me a few pounds heavier. I've been with my partner (now husband) for 7 years and only last week, we went out and got me some sexy underwear which he couldn't wait for me to try on. I did laugh to myself at what the shop assistant might have thought. The thing is, my husband is ripped and attractive and all the rest, yet he still wants to make love to me and finds me attractive, even with one breast etc. Maybe I should go work out and grow another breast according to some people on here. Aaaaggghhhhhh!!!! Your husband is like a little kid in a candy store and he needs to stop with his crass behaviour, and reconnect back up with you. The problem is, this whole thing may have gone too far and you will need to weigh up your options.
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (7 September 2013):
I'm not saying you should do all that. I certainly wouldn't if I was you. But many women do, if not for their husband they do it for themselves. The bonus is that your husband will probably love it and treat you like he should be treating you now.
Let me be clear here that I don't think you've done anything wrong and your husband is being insensitive to say the least. I think my wife is beautiful even though she's changed a little (no added weight but she's got a little belly) after two kids. Even if she did gain more weight I'd never make her feel bad about it unless she wasn't making any effort to stay in shape, which you clearly are doing.
Honestly I think the biggest culprit is neglecting your relationship, which is only natural as you have kids. My wife and I have been making an effort to strengthen our relationship and it's been working very well. I find myself closer to her than I've been in a long time.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2013): Your husband completely disrespects you. Yes, it's good to be in shape and healthy in general. Strive to be healthy. Looking sexy and younger is secondary. So, keeping working out, but not because you desperately want your husbands to feel attracted to you because in the future, he'll just keep expecting it and he'll continue to use that excuse. Don't enable his childish behavior. What you need to do is tackle the essentials. He shouldn't be looking at other naked women face to face. Tell him to look at porn or magazines - not ideal, but in this case, better than him visiting strip clubs and waving dollar bills around. Continue to express your dislike, but without pressing the wrong button. Approach the issue professionally. If he gets sour, then it might just be time to break off the relationship. OR seek counseling.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2013): So far, from skimming through the replies you've gotten, a lot of them (except from a few considerate, realistic people) in my opinion, have not been very constructive to your problem, a lot of the replies seem to focus on you changing your whole life, your diet and excercise in order to please your husband, which is just ridiculous in my opinion. BS! Don't get me wrong, looking after yourself for the sake of your own personal health and your own mental health, that is the only reason why you should have a good diet and excercise, for YOURSELF!It sounds to me though, that your husband has more free time to go out and enjoy himself, so I'd suggest that you start doing this, getting together with some friends and go out for a night out every once a week or two weeks and make an effort to enjoy it and let your hair down.What your husband said to you was cruel and blunt, so inconsiderate. I bet he isn't a spring chicken! Encouraging people in a constructive, healthy way to improve their health is the way to go and I'd imagine that any real loving man, would respect you enough to be kind to you. For god's sake EVERYBODY gets older, but that's life, your husband needs to understand that when people get older, they don't look exactly the same as they did when they first met, I think he needs a kick up the ass to be honest.You're the one looking after the kids, at least they have their mother who is mature and makes wise choices in life, you are a fantastic example to your children, which is more than I can say for your husband's behaviour. There is no excuses to justify what he said to you, you are his wife, ffs! You are the one he married, those strippers aren't super human either, they're getting older like the rest of us too!What you need to do, is to get out there, and believe in yourself, go out and have fun, maybe even go to a full-monty with men stripping off for women! Give him a taste of his own medicine!The internet, magazines, Tv, that's all non-tangible sexual gratification, but strip clubs are just a step behind going to prostitutes, in my opinion, I am sorry to say that, but I think regular strip club vistis for a married man is just pathetic, seedy and disrespectful!It is unfair for people to say to you, "oh well you chose to marry the guy" well to that I say, people change and they may adapt behaviours that you never even knew existed before you married them, and it may take years for something to become apparent. So don't beat yourself up over it.I don't think this is something that you need to just end your marraige straight away over. You should see this as an opportunity to have more time to yourself, to focus on your own life, your happiness, your sexual prowess, which have probably been a bit neglected since you have two little people to think of. I just think you shoud be more demanding about having time for yourself in your own life and have the time and space to do the things that your husband gets to do.If you're not in a position at the moment, if your friends are too busy and not around enough, for you to go out with them fairly regularly, then join a group or club where you'll meet new people and get a different perspective on life, and give your own life an injection of fun! And when you get to know people long enough, you can go out with them!You had every right to be upset, next time you come home after a night out without him, tell him about some hot younger guys who are much younger and hotter than your husband, who are so sexy and drive you wild and how you'd love to have a piece of them! See how he likes that!You're still a woman, who obviously attracted men in the first place, so you need to remember that and focus on that and bringing that confidence back for yourself because you deserve to be happy and feel sexy and attractive no matter how many kids you have or what age you are!Show that bloody husband of yours what you're made of! Believe in yourself and go with it. Have fun and let your hair down, be naughty, life is short!I hope things work out for you.
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female
reader, flower18 +, writes (7 September 2013):
flower18 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCMMP...wow...so I have to look like a stripper to keep my husband from going to see them?
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (6 September 2013):
I think you need to continue working out, but you may need to do it more (5 days a week, minimum 30 minutes cardio and some light weightlifting). Stop eating processed foods, even so called "lo carb/light/weight loss" stuff. Also, work on changing your metabolism by eating small meals/snacks every couple of hours. Maybe even consider a breast enhancement surgery.
I'm not suggesting you should have to do all this, and you certainly don't, but it may be necessary if you really want your husband to pay more attention to you.
You also should start working on your relationship/intimacy. Attraction is far more than just physical beauty. I've thought beautiful women were ugly before and found myself attracted to relatively unattractive women simply because of their personality.
One think that you need to understand is that nagging won't help at all. It will only make the two of you miserable.
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (6 September 2013):
I think you need to continue working out, but you may need to do it more (5 days a week, minimum 30 minutes cardio and some light weightlifting). Stop eating processed foods, even so called "lo carb/light/weight loss" stuff. Also, work on changing your metabolism by eating small meals/snacks every couple of hours. Maybe even consider a breast enhancement surgery.
I'm not suggesting you should have to do all this, and you certainly don't, but it may be necessary if you really want your husband to pay more attention to you.
You also should start working on your relationship/intimacy. Attraction is far more than just physical beauty. I've thought beautiful women were ugly before and found myself attracted to relatively unattractive women simply because of their personality.
One think that you need to understand is that nagging won't help at all. It will only make the two of you miserable.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 September 2013):
 Exactly Radner. My mother took care of my father until the end, helping him through months and years of chemo and appointments and care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2013): I would ask him if those strippers will take care of him when/if he has a stroke or gets cancer?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2013): Men are visual creatures. What appeals to the eye enhances sexual arousal. This is hardwired by nature. That trait in men has been manipulated by the beauty and porn industries.
They have tapped into the young male demographic particularly; and persistently feed men images and fantasies until we adopt these artificial images as what is considered most desirable about women/other men. Psychological manipulation by the media over the years has distorted male perception of beauty.
Women are guilty of the same. They have mental images of what they consider the real man; they also mentally conceive pictures of what they find to be the most attractive physical traits in men. They create male fantasy figures that we don't measure up to. That is why we get shot down so easily when we approach an unfamiliar female. That's where we are on equal-footing.
Men and women are biologically different; so we also think differently when it comes to sexual attraction.
Men have to get an erection in order to sexually function.
So if there is no visual appeal; there is less sexual attraction. Women don't easily achieve orgasms. There again, we are on equal-footing.
Nature keeps all things fair.
Your husband was brutally honest. Now he is considered a villainous asshole. You wanted to know why. He told you.
He disrespectfully seeks visual images to satisfy his natural attraction to sexy shapely females. He doesn't have a mature and responsible attitude towards marriage.
So his dick goes before your feelings. To put it bluntly.
There is no excuse for his disrespect toward his wife, and the mother of his children. That is simply gross immaturity and weakness in his character. In fact, you must own the responsibility for your choice in men. We aren't all the same.
Sorry, but you picked this guy as your husband. There were red-flags, you just decided to over-look them. Don't try to excuse yourself that you didn't know. Oh, you knew you had a tool. They can't hide it.
So two kids, ten years of marriage, and a few larger pants sizes later, you still have the same tool for a husband. I take it he's generally a good man, okay husband, and good father to your kids. Hopefully, he provides. Does he look as good as he did 10-14 years ago? Did he even look good 10 years ago? Women will forgo looks for personality. You may have passed up personality for whatever he had to compensate for it. Just teasing you now.
He was at least honest. The brutality behind it was in retaliation to your confrontation and angry attack. If you pounce with claws extended; don't be surprised at how the victim is prepared to defend themselves.
It can be quite painful. I think he he was cruel, and perhaps ten years hasn't been that good to him either. He has become less sensitive as a human being. He knew he was wrong about the strip clubs already; he's was just feeling his Cheerios, and thinking he was responding in self-defense. There is no defense in this case.
I'm sure he got what was coming to him. You excluded those details. I know he didn't get away with it.
You have options. You can eat right, exercise, and lose weight. Losing weight is a win win situation. You'll feel healthier, control your cholesterol and blood pressure, and avoid diabetes. You'll have more energy, look better, and feel better about your body image. How can you lose with all that? There is no excuse for not taking care of yourself; even if you have kids. They need a healthy mom.
If you eat right, you'll be teaching them good eating habits.
Walking, bicycling, and jogging don't require going to the gym. You can walk even during hours at work. You can take a packed lunch with veggies, fresh fruit, fish, chicken, or turkey. You can cut out sugar. You can find recipes that have tasty meals with less calories. I know, because I do all of the above and I'm older than you. I know women with more children than you have, full-time jobs, and they stay physically fit. Because they want to.
It's a matter of self-motivation and commitment. YOU can do it for YOU. Not him.
Now about him. If a married-man thinks it's okay to go to strip clubs and get lap-dances, he has decided he no longer wishes to be married. He has no respect for his wife, and he would rather pay child-support through payroll deduction; than to live in the same house as his wife and children. If you chose to keep him; then you'll have to put your foot down. Let him know, if he prefers other women; you can set him free, minus half of everything he owns.
He can decide if it is better to be with the lady who stretched her body out to give him kids, a warm bed to come home to, home-cooked meals, and sex on demand. Or be too broke from alimony and child-support payments, to afford sticking bills in a some silicone bimbo's thong.
Life can change drastically for "Mr. All-that." He doesn't appreciate what he has, and he lacks respect; because his mother obviously didn't teach him better, and his dad must be a tool also. He's a poor excuse for a man.
If you two love each other, there is nothing going on that can't be fixed. You don't have to accept your husband going to strip clubs. For one thing, they aren't cheap. You have to compromise. You might have to put up with the porn, lose a few pounds, and firm it up. He'll sneak his porn and get his porn anyway; but at least pretend you won't bark about it.
As for telling you how much less attractive you are then 14 years ago; let him know what improvements he can make that you will exchange for to his satisfaction. Don't stress yourself out over frustration about weight-loss; if you make it gradual and eat properly, it happens before you realize it. Sometimes leaving out sugar makes a big difference. Talk to your doctor.
If he insists on the strippers. Talk to lawyer.
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A
female
reader, flower18 +, writes (6 September 2013):
flower18 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Chigirl:
"He loves you, he doesn't want to intentionally hurt you. The sooner you realize that the better. So you need to stop accusing him, because whether you know it or not.. or believe it or not, accusations hurt"
- He doesn't want to hurt me? He knows how much I don't like strip clubs. He has asked me before my opinion on them. I'd say he knew pretty damn well that he knew how I felt about that whole thing. And I am not accusing him. His friend and him BOTH admitted and confirmed what happened. I didn't say a word until we got home.
- I do work out and watch what I eat; I'm actually a size smaller than I was before my first child was born. I have always, even before children, had a curvy frame. I could loose probably 10 or so pounds. I have stretch marks, small boobs, and some saggy skin. I guess didn't realize I looked that bad to him.
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female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (6 September 2013):
 It sounds to me like your husband is going through some kind of mid life crisis.
What an unkind thing to say to you, I'm sure he's not as 'fit' as he once was!
The girls that work in these strip clubs are only interested in the money he's stuffing in their G-strings.
He really needs to wake up and realise that in the real world these girls wouldn't give him a second glance.
I think you should arrange a girls night out with your girlfriends (or some mums you know). Only for a nice meal or a few drinks in a nice bar somewhere (he doesn't have to know) and the dress code should be Wow!
Do your hair, make up put on something that makes you feel amazing, because you are.
You are a woman in your prime, you've proved yourself as a wife and a mother and if he can't appreciate it, that's his problem.
Make sure he see's how good you look and then go out with confidence and have fun. Let your hair down and party. (To be clear I'm not suggesting anything naughty!)
When your husband sees the amazing, confident woman that he's lucky enough to be married too, maybe he'll wake up and smell the coffee.
Show him how fabulous you are and maybe he'll see how pathetic he's being.
If nothing else you'll hopefully feel better about yourself after his nasty comments.
Why shouldn't you go out every couple of months too? What's sauce for the goose!
When you think you've made your point tell him that his attitude (if not his behaviour) has to change because it's totally out of order and unappreciated.
Stand your ground, you're amazing!
Hope this helps AB x
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 September 2013):
Sorry, but your husband gives Red Blooded Men a bad name. Real men honor their commitments to their wives and children and don't run off to strip clubs every couple of months and then blame it on their wives' appearance. No one can be expected to look 21 forever, especially after kids. He needs a good look in the mirror too, because time takes its toll on him too.
Marriage works because both parties work at it. He isn't, and it's because he is taking you for granted. My father just died a week and a half ago after being married 44 years to my mom. His last words were about his concern for her. Time, age, and sickness took its toll on both of them, and they still called each other beautiful and good looking.
My father was a real Red-Blooded man. They are out there. Time to take your husband to task, and if he won't grow up, there are still real men out there who would put your husband to red-faced shame.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (6 September 2013):
" I’ve told him I don’t like it. But what the hell do I say? I’m not his mom. "
His mom? You think his mom would get to have a say in it? You're his wife, you have a lot more to say about this than his mom. If you don't like it you're within your full rights to express than. But you can not ground him and force him not to do it. But that is life. You can't always get what you want.
You carry a lot of resentment about something that happened 10 years ago. You need to let this resentment go, because it isn't healthy. You're still blaming him over something he did (or you think he did) 10 years ago at a bachelor party. He didn't do this thing yesterday, so put it in perspective.
You need to communicate better with him. This is a perfect example of bad communication. He loves you, he doesn't want to intentionally hurt you. The sooner you realize that the better. So you need to stop accusing him, because whether you know it or not.. or believe it or not, accusations hurt. Very much. Accusations cut deep. And they only work to alienate you... It means that by accusing him of deliberately hurting you, you are not only hurting him, you are also pushing him away.
Which is counter-productive, because what you want is to have him closer.
"He also said that while he thinks I am beautiful and that he loves me, I’m not as sexually attractive to him as I was 14 years ago. I started crying."
He told you the truth, now be glad that he did. Because this is something you CAN work on. This wasn't an insult, this was the truth. And while the truth might hurt, a white lie will not improve the marriage. Quite the opposite, white lies will also result in making you grow apart. The truth, however, brings you closer.
I see you live in USA. You're not going to like hearing this, but the food in your country is horrible. It makes you fat, and it is near impossible to eat healthy. I lived there for three months and it was near impossible to find anything healthy to eat. The bread, all of it, even the ones that said whole grain, was just loaf. There was about 20-30% fat in all the meat. There was sugar added in all beverages. There was cheese on everything and all the food in restaurants was deep fried. There would barely be anything called vegetables in the shop. Maybe, hopefully, conditions are better where you live. But if you truly want to diet, then my strongest suggestion to you is to stop buying pre-made foods. Do not eat out. Do not buy pre-made things from the shop, at all. Bake your own bread, because the thing they sell in stores over there isn't bread, it's candy. Follow a diet of not processed foods.. Just eat them as they come naturally, and you will do much, much better health wise. No more sodas in big bottles. The portions you eat over there are enormous. They can be cut in half without it meaning anyone will die from it.
I'm saying, you are facing a hard battle trying to lose weight in the USA. Everyone I know how lived there for a longer period of time gained weight, it was impossible not to. So I think it is very very hard to diet in USA. In addition, your country is built up around cars, you can't walk anywhere! When I was there, there was no place for me to take a nice walk, and walking along the highway is no ones idea of a good time. It is right out dangerous. So the only option is a gym, which costs money and isn't really for everyone.
While I know this is hard, it'll actually be close to a miracle if you can go against the current of your society, I believe you can do it. If you stop playing the victim role, and see that your husband had opened the door to honest communication. This is your way in, this is your time to reconnect with him, and get closer again.
Have a solid talk with him, without accusations, without blame. Understand that he does not mean to hurt you, even if you've both fallen into a bad cycle of hurting each other. Break out of it, this is your chance. Don't go into "lock-down". Open up. Tell him the truth about how you feel, and the challenges you face. Accept that he does not find you sexually attractive the way you are. It is sad, and it hurts to hear, but he is not rejecting you. He is telling you he loves you, and I am sure he's found it increasingly difficult to find out his sexual attraction towards you has gone away. It isn't a nice experience for him either.
Open up the door to honest communication, and treat your husband like your partner in this. Not your enemy.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 September 2013):
 Well I must admit, for him to say that to you must have been extremely hurtful. I guess a lot of guys go to strip clubs and watch porn for the fun of it, but he made it personal from the comment he delivered to you, which was extremely hurtful. You need to ask him what is important to him, watching young girls dance half naked or else his wife and children, be firm with him and tell him he cannot have both as this makes you unhappy. Communicate with him more and if he decides he wants to be single and have fun again well then it is his loss big time. Good luck and be strong.
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