A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I want to know what this means, or what others think it means. When I have a difficult time, or something troubles me, my boyfriend is the first person I go to. It is from him I seek comfort. He knows all my secrets. That is the kind of relationship I want, where we are two people who can count on each other.But he doesn't do it in return. He's there for me when I seek his help or comfort, but he doesn't go to me for help or comfort. He goes to his buddies. We've been together for a year and a half. At the beginning I thought we'd grow closer to each other, but still, it is not me he opens up to, tells things to, shares with or seeks help from. My boyfriend has always been very close to his friends, and because of several episodes I have grown to resent his friends. I feel we are being played up against each other so many times, that there is some battle for his attention, and he's put them first on several occasions. So maybe that's why I react so strongly to this, but then again maybe it's just the final straw for me. I know it's not a bad thing for him to have good friends he can open up to, but I am not sure if that is the type of relationship I want. Even his parents go to his friends if there's something concerning my boyfriend, it's just like a big sign to me that his friends are more important in his life than I am. I've been wondering if we'll ever be that close, if he'll ever open up to me, see me as his partner, and come to me first, rather than his friends. If he doesn't, I'm not sure this is the type of relationship that I want, and maybe it is best to end things. What does it mean when he goes to his friends first? Is this a sign we're not a good match? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (25 February 2014):
 Were you able to talk to him about this yet? It's been a week and I'm just wondering if you had a chance to add more the question?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2014): maybe he has a need to protect yoAnd in order of that, he cant make you stressed out over his problems. he maybe loves you too much to let his problems get out on to you.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 February 2014):
After eighteen months I expect that he's pretty comfortable with having you as his girlfriend and having his friends as his confidantes. Who knows why that is, perhaps it's what his Dad and Mom did, or perhaps his friends are closer than brothers, but whatever his dynamic, it is his and he is happy to continue.
Maybe he doesn't want to feel as you are his psychotherapist or advisor or mother? Maybe that would take the *zing* out of his attraction to you?
And what is up with all his drama: "Even his parents go to his friends if there's something concerning my boyfriend" … does he have a lot of problems or circumstances that cause him issues?
Why not try a different tack? Go to your best girlfriends for comfort and share secrets with them? Have you talked to them about this concern of yours?
If not, maybe it's a sign that you are too dependent on him to be your all. I think the happiest people are the ones who have a broader social network and who have different people that they can rely on and tell their sorrows to.
In other words, give him some space on this and for the next 6 months, do not run to him with every worry or concern. If you are having a hard day and need some comfort, reach out to a girlfriend, or your family. If he asks how your day was, tell him you had a small problem but it was sorted by talking to a friend.
I think it may be exhausting to be the only confidante in such a young relationship. He may not be used to that. So try to spread it out amongst your friends and family and see if you don't find yourself to be happier and more independent of him. It may be the healthiest thing you do for yourself and your relationship.
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