A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I was wondering if I could get some advice thanks. My husband has a history of cheating on me in the past on internet dating sites and when I discovered this 6 years ago he hurled abuse at me and called me a man-hater and lied and denied and turned things around to blame me and take the focus of his bad behaviour. Went to marriage counselling etc, anyway it took me a few years to get some self-esteem back and to get back to a sort of normal life with him as I was financially dependent upon him. I went and did some study so that I would have a career to fall back on and to also support our family. Work has been sporadic and almost daily he asks me if I have gotten a job yet.Despite things going smoothly for the past year or so and getting involved with our childrens sporting activities, I was surprised to find in the computers history that he had sent 'invitations to connect' on a business professional networking site to his ex-girlfriend (ex as in over 15 years ago) and an ex female work colleague (secretary). He has been using the computer late at night which made me check the history.I asked him about it and he said he was curious about his ex-girlfriend and couldn't understand why I wouldn't feel the same about my ex (I am curious too but I don't feel entitled to contact him). He then walked out of the computer room and said "just go back to your snooping".Later in the day he was all apologetic about it and just said curiousity got the better of him and he would delete the invitation to the ex-girlfriend.In the evening of the following day I asked what he was going to do about the invitations to those women. He said the one to the ex was inappropriate. I asked about the other one (the secretary at previous work) and I was told that I have the situation all wrong and that he isn't allowed to connect with women on a "professional" basis then this marriage is over. I responded by saying that this marriage is over because he still feels the need to be in contact with lots of other women. He said OK Lets end it.Later he then called me a 'Man-hater' and said it was my man-hating tendencies that constantly makes me challenge him.He seems to accept that it was inappropriate to contact his ex, then why did he get so mad when I mentioned the other woman and questioned him why she had to be contacted now that they are both with different employers.I feel I am now going through what I did 6 years ago upon discovery and he is behaving in a similar manner with abuse, deceit and blame-shifting. I never called him names despite my being upset upon discovery of this recent event, I spoke calmly and asked him what it was about and why he felt the need to contact these other women and expected not to be lied to. Can anyone please give some advice and insight about why he needs to contact other women and why he calls me a man-hater (which I am not) when I discovered this latest situation. I don't need help in what to do, just some info about what his behaviour is all about. Am I not stroking his ego enough therefore he needs to get it elsewhere?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2015): As the OP I'd like to thank you all very much for taking the time to read and respond to my situation. I really appreciate the thoughtful and constructive answers you all gave and have taken it all onboard. I guess it is now up to me to figure out what I am prepared to put up with and how to deal with it. There is obviously something lacking in the marriage that I alone am unable to fill, which seems to be the need to be wanted/desired by other women.
Many thanks again and best wishes too.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2015): He could be taking you for granted. He knows that you love him so much which takes the thrill out of your relationship. When something is guaranteed some people get complacent.
In your shoes, I would meet new friends and start having a social life without him. He'll come running back faster than you can say anything.
If he's not taking you for granted then he could have such low self esteem that he needs constant reassurance that he's got 'it'
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (9 March 2015):
 the fact that he does it should be enough. It's up to him to figure out why and correct it if he wants. (if the consequences of his behavior bother him enough)
The truth is knowing WHY he does it will not prevent him from doing it as it's NOTHING you are doing right or wrong.
It's not about you at all, this is his failing. He attacks you about it to throw you off from pointing out his bad behavior.
Since you said yo know what you are going to do... do it.
why he does what he does should not matter.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 March 2015):
 Your submittal has two classic subjects:
1. Men who never grow up... and think that Internet contacts are the equivalent to pulling a little girl's ponytail in the playground, and,
2. Being caught in his inappropriate behaviour... then trying to turn around the events and blame YOU for HIS misbehaviour....
YOU have only one decision to make. To wit: How long are you going to put up with him?
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 March 2015):
 Sort of easy to figure out why he is shifting the blame on you.
- because the best defense is always an attack
- because everybody hates to be caught red handed, in flagrant transgression;it makes them feel vulnerable and foolish
- because when people do not want to take responsibility for their actions, - then it must be someone else fault,right ? The devil made me do it. Or, my man hating wife made me do it.
As for WHY he needs to troll dating sites, go figure. Ego stroke, is a good possibility.
Or, he sorts of sees you like a parental figure, an autorithy figure, a mother more than a wife , whose authority is fun to defy as if he were a naughty child - he get his kicks from putting his hand in the cookie jar, even without actually stealing them . ( And you do not need to be particularly motherly, or particularly authoritarian with him, for him to make this transition from wife to parent. It's enough that he is an emotionally immature man who can think of women in his life only as either objects of hot sexual desire- or, mother figures, nothing in between ).
Or, simply,... monogamy does not come natural to the human species, it's a social construct. In other words, being faithfull is a willing, conscious committment to not yield to possible impulses and temptations ,and to not engage in non-monogamous behaviours . Committment which can be kept only as long as love and respect stay intact, and haven't been worn down by whatever external factors.
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