A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my bf for 5 years.We've gotten into this pattern where we spend 1 or 2 days of the weekend together and then I don't hear from him during the weekdays.If I call him during the week, he will answer and talk just fine. If I don't call he won't call me nor will he reply to my texts. I feel like I'm doing all the work.I guess it dawned on me a couple weeks ago that I am alone 5 days of the week, I might as well be alone the other 2 and not have the stress of this lukewarm relationship.So last week he does the same thing. I text him one time each weekday and no reply from him. No phone calls no nothing.Friday I send him a text about some software being released and he replies instantly. Later I find out I have gotten a raise and I text him that. No reply. Nothing. Crickets.Next day is Saturday and I don't hear from him. Late when I am going to bed, he calls and I just didn't feel like picking it up so I didn't.So he called Sunday twice, Monday, and Wednesday and I have not answered him at all.I am not feeling bad about not talking to him either.I figure I should talk to him eventually but what on earth do I say??????????????????So if he could call me almost every day during the week when I am not taking his calls, it just tells me the only reason he wasn't doing it before is because he didn't want to.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2009): This is the OP.
Thanks so much everyone for your feedback! It really is nice to have this place full of awesome people to come to!
To answer the questions.
He isn't any more busy than I am. I have a management level job with long hours and my commute is 40 minutes each way while his is 20 minutes.
If he calls this evening should I pick up or should I just let him stew a few more days. He has zero problem doing it to me. If it was an isolated thing, I wouldn't be posting but he easily ignores me for days.
Sure I can see him during the week but I am the one who has to make all the effort. I call. I drive over to his house and so on. It gets old. He doesn't drive but get this; my house is a 10 minute bus ride. We live about 4 miles from each other off the same main road even!
He knows I will always drive so he doesn't do it but he manages to walk all over town when he wants to.
I do feel trapped in this relationship! He isn't moving it forward and I can't date anyone else since I am faithful to him.
When I talk to him in person, what should I say?
Should I say it's been 5 years and since you have made no moves forward in the relationship, I'm going to start dating others.
Thanks again everyone!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2009): Oh boy....This is going to be a tough one.
What are you doing taking yourself off the market of available men for a guy who hasn't stepped up and claimed you as the ONE in five long years?
He is ignoring you during the week, that's not cool, he can't expect you to be available on weekends just because that has been your habit.....
I think what you did by not taking his calls is great! I would stop the texting completely. If he doesn't have time to call you then you don't have time to text.
Never pursue a man more than he is pursuing you I don't care how long you have known him.
You do what you want, but if it were me I would simply start dating myself and date some other men and let him know that he can't have you all to himself, if he isn't willing to step up then you are free until he does so.
Men see relationships differently than we do and you are in the girlfriend trap. The time has passed for being a girlfriend. It is my bet that you would like to be married some day in the future and your goal is to get to that happy ever after stage of your life. Well, your man here regardless of what he says to you or what he calls you still sees this as the two of you are simply dating...everything up to and until marriage is on the table and a ring is on your finger is dating, and he can stop dating you any time he wants to. Instead of sitting around waiting on him to call, put your focus on you and completely off of him. Start planning your week with things you want to do and people you want to see, including weekends if you must and let him catch you when he can....you are no longer in the girlfriend trap.
Don't be worrying about why he isn't calling, don't be mad or act mad when he does. Be your happy go lucky sweet self that he knows and loves, but be busy, don't act busy. And let him know of your feelings about things like the fact that you felt kind of yucky not hearing from him or getting responses from your texts, and then leave it...don't bring it up again. Men don't respond all that well to talk about what they are not doing.....the only one you can change is you.....so get with it, live your life and you just might meet a new exciting man who wants the same things as you do and won't make you wait five years to have it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2009): Well, what does he do that consumes so much of his time. does he work long hours. Find out what he is doing that takes up so much of his time, where he has none for you. He sounds like an opportunist , he only looks for you when he needs something. I think not answering his calls is like giving him a dose of his own medicine. You are suppose to be in a relationship , last time I checked a relationship did not involve only one person. you don't deserve to be neglected if he "loves" you.
He is probably cheating on you. I would tell him to go fly a kite. That you don't need him. You can get someone better than him. If you want to know why then come out and ask point blank. If he talks around your question then something is going on.
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A
female
reader, Rosieee  +, writes (25 March 2009):
Possiblyy if the next time he rings and explain the situation it may help
but dont jump to things
because he's likely to say something like "why havent you been answering" then it gives you chance to explain and maybe sort things
if not
he's not worth it x
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