A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need help to figure out who is the wrong one here. I'm 39 divorced and have a 10 years old daughter. My relationship with my ex is peaceful and it's just because we have a child together. I started dating for the first time, 3 years after divorce, and met an indian guy online, I'm not Indian. He is 42 and single so no kid hand he has never been married. We dated for over a month. Everything was going great! We said I love you, I know it was too soon!, and he was talking about marriage. We didn't crossed any lines beside kissing but he was asking about having intimate relationship which I said it won't happen now and he agreed but still was bringing up the topic sometimes. We both are educated and have good jobs and incomes. He started pressing that I shouldn't see my ex which I agreed so my ex wasn't coming over any more. He was coming sometime for couple of hours to be with our daughter and I should add that we have a joint custody. So that stopped and the guy that I was seeing asked me that he wanted to do the right thing and I should let my ex know so he can go and talk to him because my ex has a right to know who am I dating with and even though he hasn't met my daughter yet still my ex should know. I wasn't comfortable with the idea because at that stage it was too soon and I said we should date for a year at least even the intention is to get married. So he put a deadline for me that I have a month to make this meeting happen and told me that I'm just a talk and no action. I know we said the word love but we should let the relationship grow naturally. 2 weeks to the deadline my ex's mom passed away and I told the guy that I need more time as this is not something I can mention in this situation and it will be so inconsiderate to do this. He was mad that this is a principal for him and my ex is a grown up man and if I'm not doing it I should give him his name and phone and address and he will go and talk to my ex in 2 weeks and I won't get involved. He said on the next text I should see the info or I'm done! I was explaining to him but he was mad and said I'm done, whatever. See ya don't let the door hit ya in your face! I was so shocked by his behavior. So he broke up! I really was attracted to him but can't get my head around to analyze this attitude! So now I'm asking you for help to figure out who is the right and wrong one here? Thanks in advance!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2017): I'm the OP- Thank you for helping me understand that I was right. Just wanted to clarify that I would never prevent my daughter and her father to see each other. We have a joint custody and placement. So she is one week with me and one week with her father but we don't stick to any schedules. My ex picks her up from the school every day and spend few hours with her until I'm back from work and aslo he has his week too. Sometimes he was coming over for dinner too. The only thing that I did was trying to balance this so it works for that guy too. The whole thing lasted for 2 weeks. We were still going out but my ex wasn't coming here as often. There were another things that I shouldn't ignore like he was telling me this is very important for him that I change my last name when we get married. I kept my last name when I married my ex. Or I want my kids to take my name as a middle name! I asked how about if you have a girl how she can have a guy name as a middle name! I think if I have couple of more dates like him I will get back to my ex lol. For now I'm done with dating!
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (27 January 2017):
 Never let anyone stop your daughter seeing her dad, if he's not a dangerous person. I am very disappointed you thought it was okay to do that, especially for a stranger.I know you may be lonely, but this was not love and you're right that it was too soon - he was using you to get sex and trying to rush things, so that you'd agree. Take it much slower next time and it should be a red flag if they say they love you and want to marry you after less than 3 months. Even after 3 months, it shouldn't be something you do for another year or so, but it shouldn't be talked about before 3 months because you barely know each other.Having a decent relationship with your ex is a good thing because your daughter needs that - do not let any potential partner try to ruin that because your daughter must come first.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (27 January 2017):
 Blimey, lucky escape I would say.
What concerns me more though is that, if I am reading your post correctly, you stopped your daughter's father having access to her because a bloke you had known for a month told you to? If this IS the case and I am not misunderstanding, then I am shocked. Your daughter NEEDS access to her father. And YOU should not be bowing down and doing as someone you hardly know tells you to do, especially where your daughter's welfare is concerned.
The fact that you were telling each other you were in love within such a short space of time worries me too. WAY too soon, especially given his controlling and demanding behaviour.
I think you need to step back from dating for a little while and ask yourself why you fell for someone who was so controlling and why you gave him power over your daughter's welfare - something which should NEVER happen.
This guy could still get back in touch. PLEASE don't let him back into your life. You are not that desperate and, most importantly, you and YOUR DAUGHTER deserve better. Your first step should be to mend bridges with her father.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (27 January 2017):
 Controlling arsehole ( sorry I know you liked this dude but hey...come on) Civil parenting relationships between ex's are something of a rarity. Sometimes a long hard to establish let alone maintain. This guy, has never been married, has no children yet feels he is an expert on what is a suitable arrangement for his needs only. The sheer audacity to think that he can be dictating to you such terms is just selfish,immature and controlling and to suggest he take things into his own hand by talking it over with you ex simple insulting to your capabilities to make decisions based on your role as a parent. The potential for his behaviour to escalate later on throughout the relationship is very real. Where does it stop at this or will you be then having to defend friendships or the likes when he feels threatened in any way? I would consider myself lucky to have him end things. Good thing about that is now you can find someone decent and accommodating. Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2017): As the other aunts have said he does not sound like a good egg. You're lucky that he's not in the picture any more. Next time don't let anyone dominate you. A good relationship requires compromise.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (27 January 2017):
 Oh, WOW, you have dodged a bullet, this new guy of yours who the hell does he think he is to dictate the relationship between you and your child's other parent ... ESPECIALLY as it has been amicable up until now.
I was already in a grumpy mood before I read your submission but now, I just want to let fly with a string of choice words!!
Encourage your daughter's father back, she needs to see you and him capable of being polite and friendly together, without animosity.
That guy you were seeing, a bully and, I believe, a closet misogynist. My advise is as soon as possible invite your ex and you, he and your daughter all go out for big fancy icecreams to celebrate your near miss.
There are decent guys out there, this one wasn't one of them.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 January 2017):
 I think a year is a good time to have been dating BEFORE involving a child (even a 10-year-old) and certainly, your new BF would have NO real reason to "talk" to your ex. Whatever for? To tell your ex-husband the new "rules" the new BF wants to instate? BS!
Meet the ex-husband IN your company, certainly that would be fine and it should be when YOU feel it's time, that the relationship is heading in the "right" direction.
I don't like that fact that you let this new BF DITACTE how you interact with your ex-husband. NOT after a month of dating, regardless of having said ILY - that doesn't mean HE suddenly now has the rights to dictate how you live your life. I do understand why you did it, I just think it was a demand he made so assert control.
And you know what? WHO suffered because of this new BF's demands? YOUR DAUGHTER! She didn't get those hours with her dad here and there. How is that fair?
I think you dodged a bullet.
I think as an Indian his culture is VERY different from most Western cultures, especially when it comes to women.
The fact that he gave you an ultimatum is honestly ridiculous. That HE wanted to talk to your ex-husband, but NOT with you being around. And the thing is he LOST that gamble because you (thankfully) didn't just bend over and do what he TOLD you to do.
BLOCK him and move on. It wasn't a long courtship so the feelings can't have been THAT deep. And honestly? I think you can do a LOT better than that.
If you can find one man you are attracted to, you can find another.
But next time? PAY attention to ALL those red flags.
Telling you he LOVES you after a month and THEN makes DEMANDS for you to change your daughter's and your life to suit HIM it's a HUGE HUGE red flag.
You told him a year, he GAVE you a month. RED FLAG! Since when is ONE person the boss of BOTH people in a relationship? Maybe in India, but this is NOT India.
He tried pressuring for "intimacy" and even AFTER it was agreed that you would both wait, HE still brought up the subject. RED FLAG. That is a guy trying to "make" you change your mind to SUIT his wishes.
OP, let him go. And next time you meet a man you are attracted to and want to date, DON'T let him DICTATE your life or interfere with your daughter and her dad's time together.
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