A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm 3 months pregnant and through the series of required blood tests, I tested positive for chlamydia. Totally shocked, I told my bf what the doc said and asked if there was anything he needed to tell me (I tested negative at my last visit in February and have been totally faithful to him, so I knew it had to be him since it obviously didnt come from nowhere). He said no, and was adamant that he "never cheated on me". Come to find out after having to pry for answers, he had "contact" with another girl during a time he considered us "broken up". While it is a pattern that we get into a fight, he breaks up with me and we are back together in a few days, I never expected he would have done something like this during one of our "breaks" and especially that he would have been so disrespectful as to not tell me about it immediately after we got back together. He says he didn't tell me, and refuses to give me any specifics now (he claims he doesn't even remember when it happened) because it was and is none of my business. I said that withholding information relevant to the state of our relationship and the health of myself and our unborn child IS my business and is the same as lying. He says he has done nothing wrong since he didn't technically "cheat" on me and says it is none of my business. How do I deal with this? Normally I would just leave him and never look back but now we have a baby on the way to think about and I need unbiased opinions. Is he being as disrespectful as I think he is? Is there any hope? Please help, I don't know what to do and I don't want to get family and friends involved.
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (27 June 2013):
I will summarise it as you got some great answers already:
hes an immature selfish idiot
he is not sorry
he is not honest
all cheaters cheat again
I am sorry but I wish you luck.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2013): Lets look at this incident purely on principle for a second. Subtract the Chlamydia because that was a matter of chance. And why not reverse the sexes while we are at it? Then lets see how the question sounds:A girl "messed around but barely even remembers it" with someone else after she had gotten into a fight and split with her BF. Then she and her BF patch things up a few days later. But months later the truth comes out when somebody tells the BF what she did while they were split up. The BF gets very pissed off and says he had the right to be told about it. When viewed like this, does the person still sound so wrong for not fessing up to the brief other sexual contact? The only difference here is the sexes and what happened to occur by chance. The principle of the decision making is exactly the same as the OP's case. Some people would think this shows the OP shouldn't be mad that her BF kept quiet. I think it shows that both the OP's boyfriend and the girl in my story were obligated to fess up.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 June 2013):
 You ask: "...How do I deal with this?..."
Here's how: You say to him: "Oh, Boyfriend, the Father of this child that I have spawned with you...... I know you would like to obsfuscate sufficiently that it "goes away" that YOU are the source of this scourage that now lives within me.... BUT, I am 'way too smart to fall for that... so I am going to give you just ONE MORE chance to 'fess up... and we can and will face this unfortunate issue together.... OR ELSE, YOU will be history in MY LIFE... and, will be rather parenthetical in the life of this child that we will share.... YOU receiving only the SCANTEST of contact with him/her.... whilest you WILL be sure to pay his/her way through his/her first 18 years by way of "child support" that I am going to be SURE to extricate from your income for that time..."
Simple, no?
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A
female
reader, smoteablesally  +, writes (26 June 2013):
 You got to think this through really, really carefully.You mentioned that you have a tendency to break up every now and then, and it turned out your boyfriend hooks up with other women during these periods of temporary "downtime" in your relationship. If he somehow gets used to that setup, temporarily ending the relationship on account of some silly disagreement, he's going to do that again and again, and that's going to take a toll on the relationship and on your emotional well-being. Eventually you're both going to just resent, maybe even hate each other.I'm sorry that you're going through a rough time. Discovering you're pregnant is a great deal, and so is testing positive for a sexually transmitted disease. However, the issue here isn't about whether or not he committed acts of infidelity. I don't think your boyfriend understands the gravity of the situation you are at, or even attempts to. I don't know, but he sounds like a pretty self centered boy who may not be ready to assume responsibility for his own wrongdoings. There's a lot of maturity, acceptance and discipline needed from his end, if he knows how much this relationship means to you and if he really, actually cares.I know you want to make this relationship work now that you're having a baby with him, but I suggest you try to think of the long-term consequences of sticking around...you know him more than anyone else, so you should have better judgment of what he's going to be like, several years from now.I wish you luck.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 June 2013):
 I took a look at your question this morning, but as I started typing an answer I realized it was getting too long and I would be late for work. So I gave it all day to think about it and formulate this answer.
You're focusing on the wrong things. A relationship isn't a battle in court about who's right or wrong and then how much of a punishment should there be. You don't leave this relationship as a form of punishment. You leave if you are not happy.
Him justifying that he slept with another woman.. who cares? Him having done it hurt your feelings. YOU decide what is acceptable for you in a relationship or not. There is no rule that says if the man technically didn't cheat then you have no right to be hurt by it. There's no such rule. You have every right to feel angry, betrayed and hurt.
But the major problem here isn't him having slept with someone else, cheating or no cheating. The serious problem here is that he got chlamydia. And he passed it on to you, and this jeopardized not only YOUR health, but also your unborn child's health. Did your doctor not tell you how dangerous it is to your child that you have chlamydia? Do you not realize WHY they test you for chlamydia?
Read this:
http://www.babycenter.com/0_chlamydia-during-pregnancy_1427376.bc
Your boyfriend didn't care. So, there's three things here, first off he breaks up with you on a whim as an excuse to sleep with other women. Why else keep up this cycle of dumping you and then getting back with you? It's just his way of justifying sleeping with other women. It isn't the first time, it wont be the last. Second, he doesn't use protection, nor does he get tested, nor does he get treated for any STD he's got. So, he's likely to pass more STDs to you and to your child. In addition, he's also likely to father more children with other women. Third: he jeopardized not only your health, but your unborn child's heath.
You need to realize just how serious this is, and how much of a risk (on your behalf) he took out of pigheadedness and selfishness. He didn't care.
So, what you need to do now is think not about what he DID, in the past, but about whether or not this is good enough for you and your unborn child. These things he did, how likely is it that he will keep doing them? The breaking up with you to sleep with other women, and then get back with you? He'll probably continue doing this. It's a cycle. It's not a one time thing, it's a habit in your relationship. How much stability to you think that will give your child? That's one thing for you to consider.
Next, what sort of father is he going to be when he cares so little for the health of his unborn child? Is he likely to continue getting STD's from other women, STD's that he is going to pass on to you? What about other things, will he be as reckless with other things concerning the health of the child and yourself? Think about this long and hard.
This would be the reason to leave him: the chances of him continuing with such behaviour. His actions are a testimony of who he is, what he cares about, what is important to him. What does this imply for the future? That's what you need to consider. Don't leave him because of him cheating on you, or not cheating on you. If you leave him then leave because of the likelihood that he will cheat on you in the future, give you more STD's and jeopardize the health (or life) of your child. Those are grounds to leave him, whether or not he himself feels so.
YOUR determine what is acceptable or not for YOU in a relationship. You don't have to be okay with anything you're not okay with, just because HE thinks you should be. That's not how it works. You communicate your needs and wants, and he can either compromise, and you can find a solution, or you can end the relationship. You wanting one thing (loyalty), he wanting another (breaking up and sleep with others only to get back with you afterwards) are not compatible. You can't both get what you want, and if neither will adjust and compromise then it is best for your sake, and your child's, to end the relationship. Children need stability in their life more than they need a father. Especially if that father is just going to be in and out of their life.
And remember, you can't make someone change. People don't change. You can't make your boyfriend become loyal to you if he isn't, no matter how "right" it is or how "wrong" he is.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (26 June 2013):
I think he needs to be up front and honest with you. You and your baby's health should not only be a huge consideration for you, but also him. Your boyfriend sounds pretty immature. I don't think he is going to get any better. It appears just from what you told me that he would continue this pattern of behavior. You need to consider your options. You need to seriously look at your emotional wellbeing along with your physical health. This in the long run will affect your child.I'm not going to tell you want you should do. You are the only one that can make that decision. You should look at some couples counseling and if he doesn't want to go I think you need to seek some for yourself. You are starting out on an important journey of being a new mom. That in it's self is so stressful.Good Luck! I wish you well:)
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A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (26 June 2013):
 I agree completely with pinktopaz. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship, not a good one for that matter. Babies do not provide the glue to hold a fragile relationship together, rather they are more likely to break the relationship up. Having a baby is hard work and its stressful and likely to make you fight more. Don't stay together "for the sake of the baby". It will be worse in the long run.
Obviously what he did was very disrespectful. He says it happened when you were broken up but if you only ever break up for a few days then he should have known chances were very high that you would get back together again, so he is trying to get out of this on a technicality. If he had been careful, then he didn't NEED to tell you but he wasn't careful and he took a risk with your health and that is unfair and makes him a bit of a slimeball in my book.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (26 June 2013):
What I think is relevant is if he's still seeing other people or this girl that gave him chlamydia. If he really did hook up with someone else during a "break" then I don't think he necessarily needed to tell you, BUT I do think it was disrespectful for him to have unprotected sex with someone else (or he could have been less dumb and used a condom) and then have unprotected sex with you without getting tested first; therefore, jeopardizing your health.
As far as any hope in your relationship regardless of him sleeping with other people during these "breaks" you two take. If you two argue a lot, break up, and then get back together, in the long run, it's probably not going to work out. I've had a relationship like this and obviously, it didn't work out. Sometimes people just have conflicting personalities and aren't compatible with one another. Just because you two are having a child together doesn't necessarily mean that you should be in a relationship with one another.
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