A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Ok so my parents have been married for 17 years now and let's just say it hasn't been good times at all and i had to grow up FAST. My parents started their family very young and got married because of it (as many people do today). My father had to leave his studies to work to support the family and we never ever hear the end of it. We're always being told how we basically ruined his life and stuff. So here's the thing, let me just get to my point shall i?My parents have always had heated and continuous arguments since i can remember! Now that im old enough im always having to stop fights (which really isn't healthy for me). She always made us leave but then always changed her mind and took my dad back. Last year June my mom was going to divorce my dad, she even had a lawyer and everything and i thought that this was finally going to be official. We (my mom, brother, sister and i) moved out of the house and our lives changed. We were much happier and we had more fun as a family. I was having the time of my life without my father to be completely honest (i know it sounds bad) but my mom was dying inside. SoooO, she called it off just like always and there we were back with HIM.All the crap continued and i grew so sick of it all but couldn't do anything about it. It was almost christmas time and the family and i were due to move to another province 5 days after the new year. However, things took a turn for the worst on christmas eve. My mother threw a brick at my father because he had said some crappy stuff to her but she missed him with her aim. He went ballistic! They started fighting and he pinned her down and was about to hit her on the damn driveway! I had to run outside to stop this from happening (barefoot) and i felt so bad because the neighbors had full view and audio of everything. My father kept calling my mother names and swearing her as if she'd been having affairs throughout their marriage yet he was the one constantly cheating on my mother!After my sister and i worked to quiet things down, we had a hard time falling asleep. About 2-3 hours later after finally falling asleep, we were woken up by fighting! This time it was my brother (21) and my father fighting. i was stopping the fighting yet again. After their fighting for a while, my brother was above angry and bent the kitchen gate and smashed the lounge window and get this: my father fought with my brother because he was making FRIED CHIPS! He always fought for food which was just disgusting!After this, my mom said we aren't moving with my father anymore. But as usual, she changed her mind within afew days of this and decided we would after all! Then on new years day, they fought again. It was just as intense as christmas day. They fought, he pushed her around, smashed her laptop, swore my sister and i and told us he doesn't love us. So we left again only to return to smoke rising from a heap of ashes in the bach yard. My sister and i immediately said to my mom that my dad had probably burned her clothes. she went inside to check and alas, we were right. She then said once again that we aren't moving with him and again a day later changed her mind and said we would. We moved away on 6 jan but things didn't work out for us so we moved back a month ago.My mom is still with my father even though he still runs around like a single 18 year old! I dislike my father at this point and want nothing to do with him and my mom just won't leave him. Im done with all of this and just want to get away from it all. I want to study in another province just to escape my parents because my mother stays with my father regardless of the way my brother, sister and i feel. He never apologized for all he's done and i really believe that my father does what he wants because he knows my mother isn't strong enough to committing to being without him.Im frustrated, drained and just tired of suffering from my mothers decision to stay.Besides talking to my mom every two seconds about how we feel (which clearly isn't working), what else can we do? How can we escape this man who my siblings and i have grown resentful of when my mom refuses to leave him? Sorry for the long post (wanted to give some details). Thanks in advance for your advice
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affair, christmas, divorce, moved out Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIm not shooting down the answers. Let me explain more. My brother was studying but left because he got depressed about our situation. That was last year. My parents couldn't even really pay his fees and now they have debt at his university and are looking to pay that off but we have no money, we're just surviving. My brother has been looking for a job ever since he left university to try to pay off his university fees that caused debt when he left and he feels bad but for the past basically 10-12 months he really cannot find a job. Its easy to say he should find a job and move out but its easier said than done. I've encouraged him to get an internship at a company that does graphics (because that's what my brother was studying and he has been extremely good at since he could write basically). I try my best to help everyone get on. My brother has realised his mistake in leaving and plans to return next year (leaving him still dependent on my parents for a while because like I've said, he can't find a job). I understand you all saying he should get a job but here in South Africa the cost of living exceeds most salaries so even if he studies and gets a part-time job to pay for an apartment, he wouldn't have enough money to even pay the rent let alone buy groceries for the month.I've also been trying to get a job but gosh have i been unsuccessful up to this point. Im always doing internet searches on my phone for jobs in my area and asking around but no one knows of anything decent and part-time, besides, if i did land a job then i still would have no transport to get to the place after school. There are many factors to consider so i have to think this through carefully. Yes it sounds as if I've got many options but considering the details of my life, i actually haven't got that many. I will try to contact a specialist but that's all i can do for now and hopefully i'll get some help but all i can do is hope and pray for now.Thank you all though for your inputs. Its much appreciated
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2013): Your brother is 21. why is he still living in your parents' house? He should be out on his own, supporting himself financially.You need to call your country's equivalent of government social services or child protective services. There are government agencies whose sole job is to protect children from harmful, toxic, dysfunctional homes like this. They can and should take you and your younger siblings away from your parents' house and put you (or them) into stable foster homes. But they need to be informed of who it is they need to help and where they need to intervene so you need to put a call through to them and report that you and your siblings are in need of protection from your abusive parents. And yes, your parents ARE abusive to each other and by subjecting you to their violence, they are abusing you and your siblings too and are totally unfit to be guardians of children.If you can't get government child protective services to act fast, then search on the internet for non-profit organizations or charities in your country whose mission is to help children in abusive homes, and contact them for help. Basically, you need adult intervention since you are still a minor. But you cannot turn to family as they will likely just "return" you to your parents or get involved in the drama themselves. You need PROFESSIONAL help, from people who have no personal connection to either your mother or father and who thus can do the right thing. And, there are organizations out there whose job and mission it is to help young people like yourself in exactly this kind of situation. If you need help finding such an organization, tell a school teacher or a school counselor. You NEED to have a responsible adult intervene on your behalf, which means you need to TELL other adults and get them involved. One thing you should NOT do is continue to live with your mother. By now she and your father are addicted to conflict, they are both extremely messed up individuals which is why they are still "involved" with each other (no sane individual would continue a 'relationship' with either of them). They will always be trying to hurt each other. It's pointless to try and be the peacemaker because you've found it never lasts. Stop trying to tell your mom how you feel, it's pointless and you will just end up feeling more frustrated because nothing ever changes with her. Stop trying to change your mom and just let her be as messed up as she wants, while you cut loose and protect yourself and your siblings. already you've taken the first step by reaching out for help here, good for you! The next step is to find a social services organization and call them, or if you feel intimated by that, tell a trusted school teacher or school counselor and ask them to help you.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (26 June 2013):
 Think of it this way: your parents are basically stuck at the developmental stage of being teenagers with unwanted children. You say they've been married for 17 years but you have a 21 year old brother which suggests that maybe they got together very very young? And that they've never had a chance to evolve beyond this point as there are several children?
I feel sorry for them. They are stuck in a rut of dysfunction and have no way to get help. You could talk to your mum for ages but that won't change the fact that she is not equipped to be a fully competent mother….
Yes your father is awful but he too is stuck somewhere in the murky mist of teenage fatherhood.
If I were you I would call the authorities if the arguments get out of hand. Don't try to fix things, don't try to hide it. Your parents are adults, dysfunctional as they are, and should face the consequences of their actions.
Don't stop the fights, get out of the house, get out of there!
Here are some links for you to get help now: http://www.childline.org.za
http://www.southafrica.info/services/crisishelp.htm#.Uctc3HGTYUU (copy/paste the link as the # interrupts the hyperlink)
Good luck to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou need money to move out, money that we don't have. I have been pleading with my mom this entire time but she won't listen to me. Just when i think its all over, we're back to square one all over again.
She won't want to post here im quite certain of that. She won't just warm up to the idea of having her marital issues publicly displayed on a website.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know for a fact that my mom hasn't cheated. We've watched her cry her eyes out about my fathers cheating and about how she has been faithful the entire marriage because she loves him. She is very open with us. We can't move out (us children) because we have plenty of relatives, however, none of them really care about us (they exclude my parents, siblings and i from family events and we are always the only ones not invited and we have no idea why we've been treated this way all these years) so basically we've got nobody and no money either so that's out. So bottom line is, there's nothing to do right now besides stick it out for now i believe until such a time i can move out which is years from now. I guess we'll have to endure this if my mom decides to keep with this back and forth nonsense until i can permanently remove myself from this family
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A
male
reader, mkateko +, writes (26 June 2013):
 hi
that is bad and not healthy for the person as young as you, but I am afraid here young lady as there is less you can do. You cannot decide for your mother.
What can help you, you better get a mediators one from your mother's family and onre from your fathers family, and explain to that particular persons your story, and ask the persons to help your mom stop the fights. If they can not eble to stop the fight I think they should just seperate, I do know that where the elephants fights the grass is the one feels the pain most. Then in your case I now you guys you are the once who's really feeling the impact of these fights.
Going to another Province is will be a temporaly solution as when schools closes you will have to go home and face the same challenges.
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