A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 12 years and had lied to my husband that that I was a virgin when we got married I was sure that he would never find out as he was a virgin himself. Everything was fine until last month when he met a few old friend at a local bar and as they were discussing old relations he overheard something about my affair prior to my marriage. He asked me and I really didnt know what he had heard so I told him the truth. Ever since I feel my life has compeletely changed he tells me that I have betrayed him and broken his trust and abused him for the last 12 years. I had no intension of hurting him but I just feel that I was compeletely over with my affair and didnt want him to know about it. However he says he can never trust me because if I lied about my past how can he trust that I will not lie and cheat in the marriage or in the future. I would also like to add that I am a extrovert person with a lot of friend and he has now started even picking on even small jokes with friends. I am really hurting and want to resolve this situation. I would really appreciate if you guys can please advise.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): I don't see a problem as to why men care about virginity.Men care about virginity of their women not because of some silly evolutionary argument, us men we don't think "Let's check the belly for another man's baby!", nor is it because women are thought of as objects and that virginity is a just a value just for the sake of it.Men care because they want to be the best for the women they love. Men don't care about a women's virginity when they're looking for cheap sex, have you realised? It's 'because' they love their partner that they care about being the best for them.We care about virginty because we want to be special for them physically, intimately and mentally. Men care about these things, it's just in us to do so, when we know that the person we love had a past we will imagine what she did with other men. This how MEN are, it's just how WE ARE.'ALL' men feel this way either consciously or subconsciously, just face it. You cannot bring the argument of rationality into account when considering these kind of stuff. Feelings and behaviour are not rational. We rationalise our world according to our feelings not the other way around.It's ridiculous how women's innate natural tendencies and behaviour are understood and taken into account, but when it comes to men we have to deny it and feel ashamed for certain things that makes us who we are.Because of feminism gone too far, it's become for some reason taboo to even 'feel' possessive over our women. Women feel possessive over their children hence why they are protective. It's because men feel possessive that they feel protective over their women - which is what women like that their men to be. Then you'd have people saying that men have are allowed to feel protective as long as they don't feel possessive... Can you tell the mother the same thing when it comes to her children? See what has happened?Society doesn't like to talk about the differences between men and women, unless of course you are a women. A lot of women here seem to start from their own premise of feelings and thought processes and apply those standards to men, and won't comprehend anything less to their 'own' standards according to them.Let's face it, if the east can be called extremely mysoginist, then we in the west have certainly become ful off misandry.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): "I can tell you that your worth as a human being and as a woman and a wife is not changed by how many partners you have had, you are no more or less pure, it's none of anyones business what you do with your body etc etc etc but it won't matter."
I agree.Each to their own.That doesn't mean everyone should sleep around.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): I am a guy and if a woman slept around and I am going to be her fifth husband I would definitely think twice before entering into a relationship with her.We all have our own preferences.That doesn't mean we are wrong.If I have strong moral values,its not wrong to expect my woman to be the same.
Virginity is not "nonsense".It means you had enough self control to save yourself for the special guy in your life.Just because it doesn't matter to somebody doesn't mean it shouldn't matter to anybody else.
I think the poster should let her husband make the decision.You owe him that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): Biological arguments ARE NOT a "cop-out!"
I am sorry that India is a repressive and unfair culture to women who have sex outside marriage. I wish it weren't so. But that does not make this virginity issue non-biological in nature.
A woman's virginity at the time of marriage guarantees that the wife is not secretly carrying another man's child and does not have an STD at the time of marriage. THIS IS LOGICAL. It was the only way to guarantee these things until recently.
Expecting people to suddenly stop having feelings about something like this would be great if it was realistic, but it's not. It would be about as easy to expect everyone on earth to wake up tomorrow and stop valuing physical attractiveness just because science made it irrelevant to survival. Some people can do something like this but it's not a realistic demand for everyone.
It's great that virginity is no longer a strict rule for women in most places, but that doesn't mean it's fair to say that nobody of either gender has any right to care about it at all anymore. If you care about something in a marriage partner then you should have the right to choose someone who meets that criteria. (At least if you can find somone else who meets your criteria and is also willing to marry YOU, that is.)
Everyone of either gender should be able to marry who they want. That means allowing people to care about what is important to them. And that may include strong feelings about some things that other people might find silly or wrong.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): Hey guys thanks a ton for all your inputs and thoughts. Well just to add further clarity for a few of you yes he very clearly and specifically asked me before we were about to get married that if I wanted to know anything about his past relationships the time was now and he also told me that we should get into this marriage clearing all our past issues, he also asked me about my past. Well let me also confirm that he is a very liberal caring and understanding person. The only reason I lied was because I thought it would probably do no good to our relationship by having him know. Well I was young and stupid I feel bad for what has happened. I have asked him what troubles him the most and he says he has many issues and does not know what bothers him the most. 1 the fact that I lied to him 2 I fact that I had a past 3 That he cannot trust me he says that If I can lie about the past where he was not even involved I can definately be lying to him today or will do it in the future. I now realise that I have messed up but I am looking for ways to resolve the issues but cant seems like I am myself mentally depressed with how this has turned out. I cant even think. Thanks and any further inputs would help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): Are you kidding? A "natural concern"? With all respect to the poster below, I am guessing you have never been to India and have no idea about the kinds of repression women face.As a virgin, you are considered a good catch, a valuable wife, a good pure girl. If you aren't, and you aren't married, you're a slut. This is about more than some dude's disappointment that we wasn't the only one his wife had been with. And please, please don't say that your sympathy for this guy is because men have "evolved" to be jealous and irrational, that it's built into them. If more men thought rationally and had some compassion for the women they are so quick to assume are theirs, then this kind of intolerance wouldn't exist. Biological arguments are a cop-out.I don't agree that the woman lied in the first place - but the fact that she did is telling. The misogyny in India is rampant and this man's ideas about his marriage and what his wife should be are informed by that. I hate to labor the point, but it's attitudes like this that make women believe they are only worth something when they are virgins, and that every husband deserves a "chaste" woman.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): I don't agree that his problem is a cultural one. The cultural concern evolved because there is a natural concern built into us. So it's not fair to regard the impact this has had upon him like it's something trivial. (Nothing really trivial would be affecting him like this, would it?)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2009): he feels hurt & betrayed, you need to understand that this will take a long time to heal. be understanding & patient (very hard to do - very easy to say) alas you can't wave a magic wand & fix things. also don't tell him how to think or how he should let it go - it's important for him to be in control of his emotions. finally rational answers don't work as he's feeling emtional right now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2009): If you weren't a virgin and told the truth, would he still have married you? If yes, then I don't see how this could be a big deal now.
But I don't think that's the case. You lied to him because you thought it was important that you were a virgin, right? And now you feel guilty of "false advertising"?
You were wrong to lie, but I can see why you did. Your husband is being immature. This problem is a cultural one. I can tell you that your worth as a human being and as a woman and a wife is not changed by how many partners you have had, you are no more or less pure, it's none of anyones business what you do with your body etc etc etc but it won't matter.
Your husband is mad because he feels duped, like he got a bad deal. If he stopped thinking about you as property/possession/conquest, then he wouldn't care if you had been with other people before him.
sigh... this virginity nonsense hurts everyone
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (1 March 2009):
 Don't underestimate how betrayed he will be feeling. For you it may seem like a small lie, but to him it will be huge. And likely to continue to be huge for a long time. Don't make out that you think he is over-reacting, because, given the emotions he's probably experiencing, he isn't over-reacting.
He's picking apart your 'small jokes with friends' because he's feeling very insecure about your relationship, and has become jealous. You need to reassure him that you're trustworthy, and stay away from sexual jokes and references. They'll just trigger more jealousy.
In many ways I think this situation is emotionally similar to him finding out you had an affair. Yes I know rationally that's absurd, but in terms of what he's experiencing, and how you can try to improve things, that's a close comparison. The fact that this happened so long ago for you doesn't help him: for him this is new information and he'll be dealing with it as if it just happened.
The subject of being honest about your sexual past comes up here frequently. I always recommend honesty for this reason: a lie over time can become a much bigger problem, especially when marriage (and kids) are involved.
Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2009): I he loves you he should be a man about it and stop throwing your past in your face your past is your past and he should forgive you if he realy cares and loves you so don't let him put you down or make u feel bad that's your past and this is now he is now....xox hope this helps u....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2009): Did he not say whether he cared about your virginity when you first got together with him? If this didn't come up at the time you were dating, then he needs to deal with this now. He had a chance to make an issue of it back then and he didn't.
You can't ask your fiance every single thing that you'll ever want to know about them before you get married, but you have to be responsible for clearing up anything that's THIS important to you beforehand. He owes it to you to deal with it and get back to treating you with full respect.
Or did he tell you that a fellow virgin girl was very important to him before you two got married? If he did and you lied to him at the time, then I don't think he has any obligation to get over anything now. There was exactly one painless way out of this for him. He thought he was making that choice 12 years ago, but you secretly took that choice away from him and left him with no other choices that aren't painful for him now.
There is no decent solution for this one. You have the right to be married to a fully respectful partner, but he also has the right to choose who he wants to marry. These two rights are in conflict now.
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A
female
reader, Tuyen  +, writes (1 March 2009):
 Well think about this.. surely he didn't marry you purely for the fact that you're a virgin? He loves other things about you. It was wrong to lie, but sometimes you have to lie in order to not hurt someone.
I say you two should go to a counciller to save this relationship and deal with the trust issues before things get even worse. There's no point in throwing 12 years of marriage away for something as trivial as that.
We all have pasts and we all do things that we are ashamed of. He has a past as well and he's done things that he's not proud of too. He just needs some time and support to get over this. You're his wife and he loves you, but dwelling on it isn't going to solve anything. Why destroy your future because of the past?
You're hurting, so make it clear to him about that. But remember - he's hurting too. Why don't you two sit down and talk about this and try and resolve it?
I wish you luck, I hope everything turnes out okay.
Tuyen x
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (1 March 2009):
 How has the last twelve years of marriage been? Did you marry for love? If so, he loved you for you at the time of getting married.
You two need to sit down and discuss this issue. I don't agree with your dishonesty before, but since it happened, he's hurt, it needs discussed then put behind you. What you did before you got married shouldn't screw up the years you've had after being married.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2009): Was he a virgin? sigh.
men and pride.its his pride that's hurt...you need to reinforce it for him. he gets off on being the only man you have had (sounds like over control to me).
tell him, if you could rewind time you would. That in 12 years its fabulous and that it does not change the person that he sees in front of him....the woman that loves him.
it will take time.
Big hugs Star.x.
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