A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am having a bit of a problem with my boyfriend at the moment...(We have been together 9 months and met through a mutual friend) We've recently had a few small issues, that are just like little arguments really, he's stressed with work and other things at the moment. I recently found out he was a member of some sort of sex/dating site thing. I looked at his profile and was not happy with what I read on it, just things like he loved going out drinking then going home for 'fun in the bedroom' and things like that. I confronted him about it, and he didn't deny it, which having read other sites I've found that a lot of guys when confronted about that sort of thing by their partners seem to always deny any knowledge of it. He was honest about it and told me that he signed up to it when he was with his previous partner (their relationship wasn't good, mainly because of her, and it was going really bad for ages, he only stayed with her as long as her did because he was in love with her and thought things would get better) he said he signed up for it because it was a way of getting away from reality and getting away from her he says. He told me he hasn't changed his profile on it and completly forgot about the site while he was with me until recently when he got an email saying someone wanted to talk to him on it. I have found messages between him and a woman on it, not really like explicit things, but only about ten short messages all together, just asking and talking about sexual things they've done, but not in much detail really. these messages were recent, but I didn't find any others apart from that, but I did find some others of other women asking to talk to him but he's ignored them all.. when I have asked him about all of it, he was open and admitted it all, and said he forgot about the site until it said someone wanted to talk to him, he didn't bother to change his profile on it and just started talking to this girl as she started a conversation with him.. he also said since he found out that he was still on the site he has been trying to find out how to delete it. Before all this, he was generally really caring and loving and we are generally happy together. He is usually honest with me but finds it hard to express his feelings at times and we are like learning together to help each other that type of thing. I'm not sure what I think now, I believe him when he says he signed up to it when he was with his ex ( I know things about his ex through other reasons), but I'm unsure about why he decided to keep his profile and started talking to this girl in the past few days. He has said he will delete his profile, unsubscribe, he even said I could read all his emails on his account if I want then delete it, and has said he will work really hard to earn my trust and never planned on meeting up with the girls, which I do believe, as he has been cheated on in the past and so have I and both know what it is like. Before and after this he has told me he can't see himself with anyone else, he says I am the most amazing person he has met and that I have changed him for the better.. I know that a while ago he used to sleep around a bit and he regrets it now and says he has grown up a lot since then, he says I make him see the world differently and when he met me he didn't want to just sleep with me, he said I was different, and I still believe what he's told me. So now I'm confused...could this just be a bit of his old types of behaviour coming back a bit? Is there anything for me to really worry about?
View related questions:
his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (15 September 2012):
 I would be wary if I were you. What is good is that he was honest when you brought it up. What's bad is that he spoke to some other woman. I do not see the reason for this. You can't possibly be trying to be "friends" with someone from a sex dating site so what was he trying to accomplish talking to her? And saying she messaged me first isn't a reason. He may have just been curious and wanted to talk to another female, he was honest so you will have to decide if you can let that go. However I do not buy the "tried to delete my profile but I don't know how to" bit. Not for a second. Why? Because I've been told the same when my ex was caught on a sex dating site, adultfriendfinder. Same situation really, told me it was an old profile. I believed it. And gave me the same crap that he didn't know how to delete it. I went on the site myself to find out how difficult it was, it wasn't in the slightest. Anyone who wanted to delete it could've easily done so. The differences between our situations though- my ex was NOT upfront about it. I saw an email and he denied he had ever been on the site at all. I guess from embarrassment. BUT he never spoke to anyone, they were unanswered emails in his spam folder. So I don't know...
I forgave my ex and it ended up not working out obviously. He lied frequently about a lot of stuff. Your ex seems honest so the only problem to get to the bottom of is why he felt the need to speak to someone else at all, even just out of curiousity. I won't assume he was trying to cheat but you definitely both need to find out why he wanted to speak to her. In a happy relationship you don't tend to want to speak to a stranger emailing from a sex site.
So take him up on his offer to make it up to you, delete the profile with him, and talk about this female. I would advise from now on to stay on your toes. He may have been honest when you brought it up but it isn't like he brought it to you. Just be aware of things he could be capable of.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (15 September 2012):
 I think he sounds genuine. Everything he told you sounds plausible.
He is with you now. I think he cares. You noted his reaction to immediately confess that yes he did start it up earlier. He did not lie and deny things to you. That sounds genuine to me.
Maybe on the day the random woman contacted him he felt a little curious? But I think he just discussed things just as two sp-workers might.
And he really went all out about wanting your trust.and wanting to earn your trust,
Because of his actions, reactions and what he did subsequently I say stay with him and give him plenty of opportunities to woo your all over again.
And show your appreciation. Verbally and in other ways.
I think this guy is yours to keep.
Keep on building this relationship with your guy and be super nice to him everythime he does as you reqest.
...............................
A
female
reader, lmao1989 +, writes (15 September 2012):
 If he has been as honest as you think he has I don't think you've got anything to worry about. From what you've said i think you have your doubts you've kept saying all of these positive things that he has told you yet you still feel the need to ask if there is anything to worry about.Do you truly believe him and trust him?Before i met my boyfriend i was on a dating site well it was a free trial sign up and see your matches and when i first was with him i still got emails i done nothing because it wasn't free and he knew that because it was before i met him.Perhaps he used this site as way to get away from his reality relationship and did just forget it does happen.Only you can make the choice as to whether you have anything to worry about. If you have your doubts talk to him about them if you trust him then don't worry about it.I hope you make the right decision.
...............................
|
