A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a committed relationship for three years and my boyfriend and I live together. I've never, ever rushed him into anything or put a time line on our relationship, but whenever I try to just approach the topic to just see if we want the same things out of life, he flips out. It's so bad that in three years I've only attempted the conversation three times. When people say we should get married, he gets nervous and has to leave the room. It makes my heart hurt. I'm very sensitive with the words I choose with him, and I've made sure he knows I would never pressure him into marrying me. But nothing works. He's not an emotional person at all and he keeps saying he "wants to take our relationship at a pace". What kind of a pace is three years before you can even discuss what you want in life? It makes no sense to me, as he asked me to move in and he said I love you first. I guess I'm just looking to know what to do. I can not give him a fourth year without even knowing if our desired futures match? I love him tremendously and I do everything for him, don't I at least deserve to know if there's a future for us?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): You can not wait another year without knowing? Sounds like your man can go on for decanes without addressing the issue! So you two have a difference there. He is allowed to not want to talk about the future. I mean we are all different, and there is no relationship-contract stating that after a year you have to spill the beans. However, if you want an answer now, demand it. But, be also prepared that he might turn you down and this will end the relationship.I heard of a woman once who wanted to get married, she was at that stage in her life. When she met someone new, she would tell him her intentions, and that if he hadn't proposed to her in 6 months, she would leave him. She got 3 proposals in the end, two of which she turned down, 3rd one she accepted, and is now happily married for several years. My point is: make it clear what you want! But also be aware that might just not want the same thing. In which case, you will hurt, but not have wasted any more of your time.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (9 February 2010):
He's not interested in commitment. This is the sign of a commitment phobe. End it and move on from him, because you will be wasting a huge amount of time with this guy.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (9 February 2010):
I think he's made it clear. He's not interested in talking about it, so he's not interested in doing it.
Some men need a kick up the bum, and some are actually happy to just stay single forever. Either way, we girls have certain things that mean if you want marriage and kids then you need to be pretty firm about that as you head towards 30.
So my advice is to just be blunt. He's not thought about your feelings everytime he's thrown one of his little hissy fits, it's time you stopped thinking about his.
Tell him that you want marriage and kids and it's clear he doesn't so you think it's best it ends so you can find someone who loves you enough to want to be with you.
Then go and stay at a friend's house for a few days.
He will then have the choice to either man up, realise what he's throwing away and come after you with a ring... OR he'll throw a little hissy fit about this, talk about how much you've hurt him and how unreasonable you are, and you'll know you're wasting your time.
There has to be a time when you take the chance and force him to make a decision. He's never going to do it on his own.
Good Luck!! xx
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