A
female
age
41-50,
*imi24
writes:What to do... this is a sorta sex based question so if you've had any experience with a situation that somewhat resembles this, I would love your imput!I just started a relationship with a guy whom I was friends with first. He's a lot like me in many ways and he treats me very well. BUT (there always seems to be a but), he's a lot kinkier than I. He has had many open relationships in the past. In the past, I have also hooked up with a couple and my boyfriend at the same time, but I think that was just kinda a phase for me. It's not for him tho.We've talked about this, and he's ok with this relationship not being open. However, when we have sex, a lot of the time he can't stay up. At one point, when it really bothered me, I asked if it was because he's now just with one person. He admitted that that might be part of the problem. He said "I guess I'm just used to being with mulitiple people" or something along those lines. So here's my question: Should I continue with this relationship? I'm really happy with him, but I'm nervous that this might cause him to cheat later on. What should I do?
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reader, leonard j.Douglas  +, writes (26 May 2007):
You both need to get some good books on Human-Sexuality, it is quite plain the you both know many things, but very little about you own bodies, your Genital Ignorance must be dealt with. If you both want to maintain a loving ,caring and lasting relationship. Here is one of the best books that I have ever read. ESO. How You and Your Lover Can Give Each Other Hours of Extended Sexual Orgasm By Alan P. Brauer, MD. And Donna Brauer. It deals with ED Erection Dysfunction Don't let this fancy term scare you. None of us men can maintain an erection all of the time, as no man's penis is that dependable, when it comes to pleasing a women's, sexy body. Your friend like most men,I'm sure, is the cause of his own penile failure, when it comes to pleasing a woman. Here is how he began that Erection-Failure When we are young we all tend to enjoy our genitals,"MASTURBATE".
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2007): Hi, I am no expert but it may be that you are attracted to co-dependent relationships where you feel the need to fix someone else or take care of them in some way in order for you to feel secure and loved in the relationship. Problem is it is based on a house of sand, you can't work that hard and feel like you can ever relax and just let love flow.
My suggestion to you is to get some counseling with a good cognitive behavioral therapist, one at the Phd level. Ask your family physician for some referrals, and go and talk to some until you find one that you like and can relate to and that whom you think likes and cares about you...it will do you wonders to work through some of your issues, and help you recognize self destructive behaviors and relationships.
As far as being in this current relationship in order to "test your boundaries". What you really mean is that you don't want to pay any attention to your boundaries. Doing that is going to make you feel like you have "had it with yourself." Respect your own boudaries and get out of this relationship with a guy that is not on the same page as you are sexually, do you want to have group sex for the remainder of your life with him?
Sometimes I think we have strong feelings for people who trigger our inner demons, and you have to be careful of where those feelings are coming from and if they are really ones you should flee from rather than stay, but a good therapist can help you sort this out.
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A
female
reader, mimi24 +, writes (25 February 2007):
mimi24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the comments! (I've got an important question below)Yes, worrying about it won't help, but I can't help but feel insecure because I've never been in a relationship with someone like this. Perhaps it's also due to the problem that I'll talk about below... but first off: I know he isn't a drug abuser. He drinks and that's it - not even that often (I drink more than he does). Why am I with him? We have a lot in common, he makes me laugh and he's very affectionate. Perhaps it's also a bit of curiousity that keeps me in this relationship. I think I am testing my own boundries. However, this doesn't keep me from being a bit afraid of those boundries.Now the real question:My past relationship was with my first love. We were together for 3.5 years (on and off). A couple years in, he became Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde. I never could tell when he would turn into this verbaly abusive monster. He never pysically hurt me, but boy did he do some mental damage. I know that this was a direct result of his horribly messed up childhood. It took me two years before I could finally start a relationship properly. But this new guy now also has issues, which I'm sure is due to his upbringing (the guy from the origional post). It seems like anyone that has had a horrible childhood is attracted to me. Do they think I can fix them? This has now happened 3 or 4 times in a row. So I guess my question would be: how do I break this cycle? I've never met a 'normal' guy whom I was interested in. I have enough problems of my own - I'm on depression medication for moderate depression and functioning normaly is hard enough for me; I cannot care for another person. I've tried just cutting myself off from relationships period, but it's just so lonely and I don't improve anyway. I'm at my wits end with myself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2007): Ummm, your final question is that you are afraid he will cheat....This man has a history of having sex with multiple partners. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. He will continue to cheat and fulfill his kinky sexual habits.
As far as his inability to keep it up while with you, it has nothing to do with you in my opinion or with the fact that he is used to being with multiple partners.
I think this is more physiologically based, as in he is a substance abuser, either alcohol or some other chemical.
People who are into this type of lifestyle are usually involved in drugs as well as they like to take the edge off in order to lower their standards enough to engage in this sort of sordid behavior.
I don't know what you see in this man frankly. If you are looking for a monogomous relationship, why are you looking here?
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