A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Im 24 and married. he is also 24.our relationship for the past 5 yrs has been very rocky. when we first started dating i was very in love first real love, etc etc... he told me beautiful things i thought id never hear, we were close and intimate in ways i never thought possible. its true i was way too infatuated. we were both young. also i was a rebound girl, a very quick rebound from a girl who sounded like a monster.he made me feel like his savior, his angel. it didnt take long before things changed. as he grew distant i clinged like you couldnt imagine -drove the guy nuts he tried ending it and i fell to pieced and denied it. i couldnt believe my dream was gone. i wouldnt let him go.as he stayed with me things did no get better. we had our good days and week. 2 young kids with jobs no kids. we stayed indoors for hours haveing sex, to me, making love.we got along. as this forsced relationship grew and responsibilties came along it became worse and worse.he began cheating, it didnt help that i was so neurotic. we stayed together. it was like i punished him for it constantly. maybe i did. i think thats how he felt tho.eventually i ended up pregnant. now around this time he spent more and more time avoiding me and we fought often. my jealous behaviour most likely. when he was gone he spent alot of time at parties or buddies' houses, met girls. i was in tears and agony adn self pity. he became more and more interested in group sex and talked about how one can love one person and still have sex with ohters and it meant nothing. i was thrown, couldnt belive it. this guy was nothing like the one i fell for. this was the oposite of what he'd said to me before.we fought about this for a while then moved on. the cheating continued more and more esp on the web.we ended up staying together living separate aven after our 1st son was born.things stayed the same. we had good timeswe also had cheating and my craziness and clinginess.when i got pregnant with our second son we married and got a place together. at first i was awesome again. we had sex all the time. not talk of swinging or extra sex partners. but shorlty after. it started back up again. only this tike he had a buddy at work, a woman, he said there were no feelings invloved they were friends. i ended up hearin that they discussed how the had simmilar interests with sex.that the were both sex freaks, also heard of here doing things below his waist. ai pryed and snooped like a psyco, he told me he stopped talking to her when she announced feelings for him. he said it freaked him out.i had trouble with this because everytime he cheated he told watever girl that he loved here and hate3d me.sometimes lied about me. that i was abusive tro him or cheated on him. -never never-he made himself our to be sade and oppressed and heatbroke and they ate it up.later when he again brought up wanting to swing he said it was bad u use girls' feeling to bed them down that he loved me but was excited be the thoughts of swinging. very often he tried to get me to have sex with ohter guys, i never wasnted to.and this frustrated him badly.it got to the point that he was gone from home often with me at home alone with kids and tears.the kids suffered from our relationship.they were badly ignored due to us focusing on fightind and him running around and partying, me being crazy. he even said he didnt love me anymore.a few times.well this continued. i became badly depressed nervous paranoid pathetic, didnt sleep or eat, lost a ton of weight and hair. eventually he did to.while i was pregnant with our doughter he became more and more persitsten with group sex and online cheating.it was like he never left the computer, spent most of his time playing popular online games.even while i was in the hopital with the baby girl he was at home on the web chatting with some married woman.he even told her that he was going to leave me i didnt give him a threesome. which he said was a joke and i should lighten up.we fought more and more. we broke up over and over for a few hours at a time. hes had is moments of jealousy and questioned me if i put on make up, etci finally tried things to please him but was not comfortable and still am not comfortable. i was done i decieded he was better of finding a girl who would please him. but he kept comeing back saying that the still loved me. but he says im selfish and that i only want what i want. just because i want monagamy it has to me "my way or the highway". that i was bad for making him choose between me and monogamy or a divorce.but my question is, if hes aleady said he doesnt love me anymore and already falled out of love, it there any way that he could just magically love me again?and am i unfair?, i understand men need excitement.which is why i said i could never date again and get some other poor guys hopes up.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): The trouble here is at this point I want to break away so bad its disgusting. but at times i dont and i dont even know why. i know that im fed a lot of bull shit and a buttload of blame.
im my opinion he wants a relationship, pussy available 24/7 living in the samt house, a warm body around for cold nights, a nannie to take care of his kids, someone in the kitchen to make meals and bring them to him with a soda while he lives in front of the pc.
I dont. men make me sick. on the other hand i have a hard time judging people i dont know. I know that non of us are really bad. i know we turn out the way we do because of all the little things that happened in our lives as we grew up. things we had no control over.
if someone is manipulative bastard then maybe there a manipulative-like bastard-type who has influenced them, and deep down its not their fasult.
same thing with a gigantic bitch-type.
we all have psychological defense mechanisms that make us hurt one another or judge one another.
so i dont mean anything personal by being a non-fan of the male gender, i just know how their wired and how the tick biologically and i dont want to be in another relationship again -period.
i have THREE kids to take care of and it would be selfish of me to care about that kind of relationship.
because of my relationship with my husband,
i OWE my kids that time back.
all three of them are 3 yrs and under and that is the most critical stage of our lives.
so i want out.
but all of a sudden he doesent wasnt me out.
to the point were he acts wierd if i leave the house.
but all i do is go to work or run errands if town that he sent me on,
god forbid i wear make up or take my time getting back.
it seems he thinks i want to leave just to make him out to be a monster or a bad guy and make myself a martyr. or he thinks IM cheating (eww).
but really im just very unhappy, and know he is too.
i just dont want a relationship, i wanna focus on fixing the damage done to these babies before one day they end up unhappy in an unhappy relationship.
ive tried to leave, we fight, slam doors, he runs off to a friends or glues himself to the pc.
then he thinks having sex or getting wasted solves our problems then everything is hunky-dorey, acting like nothing happened.
im not the richest, so i cant just move out, hell if we didnt have kids id live in my F------ car.
but because of these kids it cant continue, living together with one income one person cooking cleaning chasing diapers round the house, the other depressed and umotivated coz hed rather be in a bed with 5+ chicks and one big orgy,
but instead hes stuck in a relationship with a nut.
i guess i need someone to explain how to help me take the cross down off his back, get us to move on.
-part of me really wants male imput, whats the deal with the swinging, is this really all men or just some,
who maybe watched too much porn/tv when the were little,
who maybe felt unloved for a lot of reasons,
who might be terribly insecure and feel that sex validates them.
i dunno, i think at some point i thought being loved validated me? that might explain my craziness.
but ive freaking grown up. im a mom i got love, i just dont want to ignore their love for my own selfish pusiut of a man-woman type relationship
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): Sweetie, let me be honest with you. I don't think the guy ever loved you. I know that's brutal, but you know the truth of it in your heart. He feels like you trapped him. That does not, however, make you a bad person. You're just in a really bad relationship. You are better off without him and you really can find somebody who will love you just the way you are. I think the most important thing for now though is to work on yourself first. Get into some counseling and try to figure out why you stayed in such a toxic relationship for so long. Learn to love yourself first, it makes it easier to find another person to love you because if you know how special you other people are going to see it to. This guy has beaten you down so much that you feel worthless and helpless. Don't let him win. Live your life to the fullest and make him see what he lost. Don't ever take him back no matter how much you might want to. His loss will be someone else's gain.
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