A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:We are a couple in our early 30’s. We have been together 4 years. In the main things are fantastic, totally in love, have a lot in common, are very close and hes my best friend its all good except the sex life! Its been about a year now that we have butted heads over this and its come to a head again this weekend and im not really sure what to do or how to get it back.It started off me complaining of the lack of sex a year ago, at first it would improve, things would be good and then it would happen again, the sex would drift, he would say wheres the problem we do have sex, just not all the time! Im like once a month isn’t what I call a sex life and it goes around in a circle! Anyway, it became more frequent, sometimes once a week, maybe twice then every other week and so on, but it got more every other week rather than once a week. The times it went longer I would get upset thinking hes not coming to me so he cant fancy me or want me and im not giving him what he wants in bed… he says that none of this is true,( its my head and Im seeing a prob where there isn’t one) he loves me, in fact adores me, fancies me, wants me, but doesn’t see the need to have sex 24/7. His argument is that if we had sex 6 out of 7 days one week and then it got reduced to 5 I would freak out and say he had gone off me… Anyway that’s not the case, I just want a normal healthy sex life, once or twice a week. I want him to come to me, not his right hand. And I want to enjoy sex together as an enhancement to our already great relationship, he thinks im measuring it by the sex, I think hes being lazy. We always had a good sex life, and then as it does we settled into not having sex so much I guess, but I want more for us and don’t want it to go stale.. Anyway, the latest row it evolved that he’s having sex with me so that I feel better about myself, so that I don’t get all upset all the time and that’s its now become a chore and he feels too pressured to want sex!!!! And hes not sure that hes interested in it!! He wants sex with me, but just feels there is too much pressure these days and its not worth the hassle. So we have totally spun out somehow and I don’t know how to get it back. Ive tried backing off before, but it feels if I don’t act, sex wont happen, but hes says that backing off for a month and then pressuring him again just aint working! He feels he has to have sex with me…. What the F**K, how can I get this to be an enjoyable experience like it always was before. The toys the dressing up, the fantasy’s, the off the cuff moments…. Its all so mechanical now that is just awful…. All I wanted was for my man to want me more in the bedroom, he says he does it just went off the boil and now were in such a mess, that hes not interested at all, and is just doing it for me….. How can we fix this ? He says there is no problem im making the problem and its got out of control and I need to back off on the pressure, but how can I do that…. How can I ever get it all back again…. I totally feel that whenever we have sex now its all wrong, all to shut me up, all to keep the peace… I love him dearly and just want a normal life….. how do it get it back ?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2007): Ohh! I'm so glad I read this post! I was going through the same thing a year ago and we just couldn't work through it. It was a really confusing period for me - I kept questioning myself and started to wonder if he just wasn't attracted to me anymore. It's a hard situation as talking to him about it just seemed to add onto the already mounting pressure. Where are all the boys with high libidos??! All that talk and no action - it's actually quite disheartening. The whole thing became a bit too much of an issue for me and I had to leave him. :( That said - I hope you guys can come to some sort of compromise that suits you both... it sounds like you have a good connection and you loved each other to marry so it's all for one, all the way. :}
A
male
reader, ChiRaven  +, writes (10 April 2007):
 First, you might want to see if he'll go get his hormone levels checked by a doctor. If he's running low on testosterone, that can really kill a guy's interest in sex, but it's very easy to correct with hormone supplements that his doctor can prescribe.
Assuming that he's OK in that department, I really believe this is a problem that could use some professional intermediation. See if he is willing to go with you to a counselor to deal with the problem you are having (I know, he thinks things are fine, but YOU don't, and that's what needs to be worked on ... put it that way). If not, you go alone and see if a professional can give you tools to cope with your situation.
A couple of other things that could be wrong that I'm assuming are OK. First, I assume that throughout your relationship you have been open to whatever he wanted to try by way of sex. If you held back on him in your earlier days, he might be reacting negatively to that now. That would be very hard to repair at this stage of the game. The second thing is, how does you appearance and sex appeal now compare to what it was like when you first got together? If you've "let yourself go", he may be turned off by that. You might or might not be able to correct a problem like that. But as I say, I'm assuming that these things are OK.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2007): You and your man have very different libidos. You speak of a good relationship but the sex is crappy. I don't think he is shutting you out. I think he's at a loss as to what to do. I also feel he doesn't view 'sex' as the end-all, the glue that is holding this relationship together. He loves you for many of your other great and wonderful qualities. In fact, you do mention that. So why are you are putting soo much of your own hurt ego into 'his' want and desires for you. Why are you so focused on what you're missing. I think you are using sex as measuring stick of his love for you. Stop doing that. You have to be careful here because I am seeing some negative accusing behaviors and 'blaming' going on, And I can see where this issue will turn a good, loving, decent relationship into a dysfunctional, uncaring one. And remember, you can't have good sex in a bad relationship. It will worsen. Mismatched libidos and sexual power struggles are the end of many good unions. And it can feel like an huge problem when egos and emotions are always on the line. I think visiting a couples counselor/sex therapist who specializes in sex problems would help you both. A person like this will help you both acknowledge that you two are different people with different levels of desire. All you both have to do, is reach a compromise and remember you are both responsible for addressing the issue and making changes, here. And don't take his lack of interest as a personal affront against you. He simply doesn't have your sex drive. It's could be just who he is. Remind yourself that simply affectionate closeness, having fun together, laughing and connecting spiritually and building that emotional bond, will help. Try to understand that you might always be the one who initiates sex and don't be so darn quick, to over-react to his 'no' to sex. After all, sex is nice and yes, important but, kindness, honor and respect is truely the heart of any happy relationship and really, friendship and companionship is what will keep this relationship, flourishing long after the sex drives wane and you grow old, together.
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