A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I would really appreciate some advice. I have been in a relationship for 4 months now with a great guy. He is 30. Problem is he has erectile dysfunction after an accident 8 years ago. This has had a huge psychological impact on him. I accept him the way he is, and has told him this numerous times, but he cannot accept this himself. He says he wants that "connection" to someone, and feels that sex is the key to having that. I always thought that you could have a "connection" outside of the bedroom. I know sex is an important side of a relationship, but I believe that being intimate has nothing to do with the hardness of an erection or having a orgasm. I guess all I want is for someone who is either in a relationship with someone with ED or maybe having ED to tell me what I can do to support this guy. I know that I will never be able to fathom what it feels like for a man to have ED...but there are 2 people in a sexual relationship. How can I deal with this better? He feels so very angry about this and I am scared that it is going to push us apart. Thank you.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2008): Hi
It depends a lot on how you approach the sexual relationship.
If you expect to be satisfied all the time, while he is on the sidelines, it will not work. He is probably feeling left out.
Susan Strict has a good point but she is a female, she has not been in this position. I am 36 years old and have erectile dysfunction, and IO have been through everything.
I have satisfied women, only to be "left behind" everytime she has an orgasm. He is human. That is the connection he is looking for. Not to satisfy any orgasm, but to be close to you.
I have ED but am still capable of 5 min sex session, just simple penetration. My wife and I are EXTREMELY happy with this. It allows us closeness. She does not miss orgasms, as she has realised that this has nothing to do with our closeness, which is ultimately what every human being wants. I am sure even though he has ED, you are still capable of some kind of penetration?
Remember, he isnot there to satisfy you. He is a human being, and he wants that connection as well. Simply serving you as a sexual being, giving you oral sex etc, and you will lose him.
Good luck.
Craig
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2008): He should consider seeing a sex therapist.
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A
female
reader, Susan Strict  +, writes (28 April 2008):
 Show him how he can give you pleasure. That may be far more important to him than anything else once he realises that there are plenty of ways he can satisfy you physically. Inevitably he will have feelings of being useless and "not a man", but you need to show him that's not the case - and unless you can do it on a physical level then he is always going to have a nagging feeling that he's not doing what a man should be doing. It's not just being intimate. That's not enough. He needs to be convinced in his own mind that you can experience as much pleasure from him as you could from a man who is fully functional - and you can, even if the pair of you need to be a bit inventive and experimental in the activities you try.
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