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female
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anonymous
writes: I am 30 and have been dating a 44 y/o man for almost six months. It started out pretty casually, I thought he was a really great guy, but wasn't head over heels. We talk almost every day and see eachother at least once a week. We are sexually intimate and everything is great. The only thing is that now I've developed very strong feelings for him. He has said from the beginning that he doesn't want a serious relationship. His last serious relationship, that ended over a year ago, left him badly jaded, I guess. I was ok with the lack of commitment until I fell in love with him, but because of his resistance to commit I've been dating other people in an attempt to keep myself in a more casual frame of mind. I am not, however sleeping with anyone else. Last week we were in bed and he asked me how much I like him. I replied that I love him. He said he loves me too, and that he only realized it a few weeks ago. He admitted he was really scared, though. Since then he has cooled off. He is more distant and at times a little cold. I really am in love with him and I want to have a serious relationship with him. I don't want to date anyone other than him. We have so much in common, talk about everthing, and have so much fun. Should I stay with him and hope that he gets over the whole fear thing, or should I just end it and get over him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2006): He has baggage, dear and no can tell you whether exactly what to do because everybody views love in their own unique way. But I can tell you my opinion of where I think his head's at. His 'whole' heart is not into this. If it were, he wouldn't be acting distant with you. He is in a "halfhearted" relationship with you. These relationships tend to be hurtful, confusing, very unnatural and unhealthy. He is jaded and his fear of being hurt prevents you from knocking down his protective walls, thus he's incapable of loving you, wholly and in a way you deserve. Because of his fears, you could stand a chance of giving him more love than he's willing to give back, thus putting you on probation and giving him unequal control of power in this relationship. One can't say for sure but because of his fears he could put conditions on his love for you, creating a ton of insecurities with you. Many people going through this, will hold back their intimacy to protect their vulnerabilities. And I call that manipulative even if they don't realize they're doing it. So do you remain with him and hope he'll love and cherish you, in the same healthy way, you love him? I would give this a time frame and see if he'll let the barriers down. But you need to proceed with caution here. You may get to the point where you will finally realize that 'loving him' and getting only an 'ice wall' in return will deplete you, emotionally. It will hurt like hell. It could end up being difficult to reclaim yourself while remaining in a relationship with this man. The outcome of such a relationship is usually a painful and a heart-breaking experience. But love is a choice with all of us and loving him could teach him to let down the walls and become a more loving human being. He simply needs to put his fears and his past behind him and permit himself to love, unconditionally. He needs to learn to trust by trusting himself. A big job lays ahead if you want to undertake this. Just don't lose yourself, on this path. Keep your heart safe and your head on straight...you have to choose for yourself. I just laid out what I feel, he might be going through. He sounds complicated and you may have a long road ahead of you. Are you up for it? Good luck, dear and take care of yourself. Be strong.
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