A
female
age
51-59,
*om23angels
writes:I have struggled with a situation twice in the past 4 years with my husband of 12 years. We have 3 young children. Each time he developed a "crush" on a much younger employee, which lasted 6-8 months (winding down now). Although no physical boundaries were crossed with either of these women, in the most recent case, he spent a lot of time at work socializing with her, offering her dating advice, serving as a mentor - all with the intended result that she adores him and thinks that he's the best, most wonderful friend and boss ever, which serves to boost his ego. After getting drunk and passing out at her apartment last month (he has taken her out on a number of lengthy and expensive 'friendly dates' over my objections), she decided to cut off the fraternization. She actually asked him each whether I was okay with him hanging out with her as a friend(I wasn't but he told her that I was). I feel resentful that when I tried to set boundaries, he crossed them time and time again, but now that she put them into place, he seems relieved that it's over. He admits to feeling lonely inside, and no amount of adoration/attention/hero worship from the designated crush seems to make him happy. He tells me all the time that he loves me (our sex life is good) and I know that he adores our children, but he is also very confused about how to fill that void inside of him. I feel hurt and betrayed, because he doesn't empathize with my feelings of anxiety and sadness over his "dating" another woman. How can I get him to see that his behaviors keep hurting me and our relationship?Outside of these two situations, we have had a stable, compatible, loving, and fulfilling marriage. Until I experienced the first 'crush' I wasn't aware of how lonely and isolated he was as a child. He always felt shy, had no intimacy with other women before meeting me, and still suffers from depression. Now he feels confident and derives great pleasure from the attention he receives from younger women. I want to believe that he will mature and grow out of this behavior, but a part of me feels that unless he sows his wild oats and is alone for awhile to decide what he really wants from his life, he won't be a whole person. We are now seeing a marriage counselor, which I hope will help. He doesn't think that our marriage is in trouble but I feel like he's jeopardized it. I feel hurt, betrayed and the trust that I want to have in our relationship is broken. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010): Oh my goodness, Reading your situation is like Reading my life.. The only difference is my hb meets these "girls" at the pub, gym etc it's normally young girls 17-19 or older women 50+ he does the whole knight in shining armour thing too !!! Cutting a long and very painful story short... It all came to a crunch and I kicked him out, it was for a week but it really shocked him cause like you I was the "rock" in his life, we now in relate and it's helping alot, but he having to go to a pyscholigist alone as his lonely neglected childhood has alot to do with it... I know it's going to take years to unpick all this, and many friends say I am a fool & too nice to put up with all this but like you every other aspect is fantastic in our realtionship and I think he and our relationship are worth the fight... Stick with it my dear, it's going to take time and patients on
your part but hopfully he's worth it!!
Good luck from the bottom of my heart!!
A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (18 January 2010):
When you have this type of husband who lies to these women about your thoughts on their liaison, why do you not speak to the woman from the very beginning?? Dont let things get this far out of hand because the fight to get back to normal gets harder. If I was you I would tell them I will get you fired; or I'm phoning your parents. It is probable that your husband was emotionally neglected as a child and that is why he seeks attention to boost his ego, but we dont all have the luxury of living our past and our illicit fantasies. He now has his own children to set an example for and this sort of behavior is unacceptable. You need to seriously consider a separation. If anything for shock purposes. When you take him back after every liaison you are in a way, endorsing his behavior and telling him its ok to disrespect you and the children. Tell him that you want a one month separation to decide if you still want him after all his actions. Maybe a month of missing your love and affection will make him think about what he is losing if he carries on with his extramarital affairs. During that month dont sleep with him or offer a lot of affection. He may cry and act like a baby but dont be manipulated. Let him visit the children and dont let him sleep in your house. It will be hard for you too because you love him, but you will be trying to end this problem for the rest if your lives. So see things from a long term perspective. He can't use his childhood as an excuse any more. Put your foot down and have some self-worth. Dont feel sorry for him. Your situation requires tough love. A useful book would be "Love is Tough" by Dr. James Dobson. All the best.
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