A
female
age
41-50,
*ettybaby
writes:I'm 34 and I just started dating a 54 year old man. He's never been married. I was married, divorced, and waited 2 years before putting myself out there again. I initiated the relationship and it's only been 2 months.I have very strong feelings for him, and he tells me he cares about me very much. When we are together he is attentive, thoughtful, generous and kind. When we are apart I miss him terribly. I am worried I don't even know him well enough to have these feelings.He says the age difference really bothers him. It doesn't bother me. I have a feeling that is an excuse for something else that maybe has nothing to do with me. It's clear he enjoys spending time with me, but then he gets scared. What should I do?
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female
reader, bettybaby +, writes (31 August 2008):
bettybaby is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice...
Here's the update:
earlier in the weeks since my original post we went out on a date that ended up being very fun and romantic. We spent about 30 minutes making out and I wanted to take things further and he just flat out refused. He continued to hug me and cuddle me until I felt ok with that, and then I had to go. I later asked him what's going on? He said, nothing's going on, don't worry. Ok, so what does that mean? He said he couldn't do it because he didn't want to lead me on... I'm not sure what it is he thinks he's leading me on to believe. I'll have to bring that up again. I found that I love to have these kinds of intimate conversations in quiet, private, and comfortable places, whereas he trys to mask every negative emotion with a joke in that situation. I believe he is more honest when he is focused on some other activity, like hiking, maybe because he doesn't feel the pressure to respond to one of those negative feelings immediately and so the joking gets toned down a lot.
Also, I suspect it is, as someone suggested a medical problem, so I have decided to give him time and just let him know that when he is ready to talk about it I'll listen and won't judge.
I have also pulled back emotionally from him, if anything just for me to not have to be worried about him all the time, just concentrate on being my own person.
Who knows, maybe when he sees I'm NOT a youngster that's just infatuated with him and that I really want to get to know him better, and when I am just too busy having a life that he better make a date early or we wont ever get to spend that time together.
So what I am going to try for the next few dates that go well, I will kiss and hug only. I think after a few weeks, he will appreciate being the one to initiate more if he wishes.
I'll let you know what happens next.
A
male
reader, Comfortzone  +, writes (2 August 2008):
Well the age difference may be an issue for him, or atleast something on his mind, but it shouldn't cause any real problems. But i suspect he has other issues that are holding him back. You may already know this but i wonder why he has not been married before now. He may not have wanted to or just been unlucky but there may be something else within him that is also holding him back with you.
I once went out with a girl who was 11 years my junior for a couple of years. I had the same reservations about age etc. but she pursued me and won me over...
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A
female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (2 August 2008):
 Yes..it is an excuse. Age should not matter if you are crazy about someone. You said you mentioned you initiated the relationship. That means he didn't get a chance to pursue you. So the truth is he's not sure if YOU are the one for him. I say take a moment, let him have his space to breath.Don't contact him. and when he comes calling you..then play it cool, and let things progress. If he doesn't call..then he's not the one and you should let it go, learn from it and move one.
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