A
female
age
36-40,
*ostone
writes:Hello. My ex boyfriend and I had been together for almost four years. We'd had problems (who doesn't) but I thought things were fine then he breaks up with me because he decides he loves some girl he knows online. He had wanted to remain friends and said he still cares about me, and I tried it for a while but found it too painful. He would still give me close hugs and kiss me on the cheek even after I told him it was messing with my head, but most of his time was dedicated to talking online to this girl who broke up with him after a month. When I'd be really down about it, he'd say he wanted to help but would just run off a list of things I did wrong that made him not want to be with me anymore, including saying my personality was weak and that sex with me was annoying because I almost always got hurt. Last time I saw him was to give him back the rest of his things and he wanted me to hang out with him. I told him I couldn't hang around him anymore because it hurt too much to be constantly reminded of what I can't have. I erased him from my phone, told him I would have always given him a second chance but I don't want to hear from him unless that's what he wants. After we had broken up, he'd told me HE would give me a second chance if I wanted it (while he still loved this other girl and not me) and reminded me that night that I never took him up on the offer. He was crying, which he rarely ever does, and trying to convince me in any way to keep in contact.I've never really liked myself, and I realize that you have to love yourself first before you can love someone else properly. But during the past couple years, his behavior made that worse and caused us to argue, but he blames me for everything. I lived with him the past couple years and we rarely did anything together. He had wanted me to stay with him but most of his day and night was spent talking to friends on MSN and playing WoW. My reaction would be to feel hurt and rejected, then when he'd notice something was wrong I wouldn't tell him until it escalated and turned into an argument in which he'd be very mean. He'd promise to spend more time with me and he make me promise to tell him when something was wrong, but neither ever happened. That was 90% of our problems and led to other problems I had, like feeling he didn't love me much because he'd rather play a game than be with me. I felt like I couldn't say anything to him anymore because I was always wrong in his eyes, no matter what I did it was always wrong. I've admitted to him that I made mistakes and need to change my insecurities, but he will not admit that he did anything wrong.What I want is for our time apart to make him realize that I was always there for him and hopefully that deep down he still loves me, and also that my insecurity that put distance between us was largely caused by HIS actions, not just nothing. Does time really ever do this? What are the chances he will come to see this? If he does cave and calls me, I'm not sure what I should say to avoid sounding too clingy and needy, but to not push him away either. Any advice on that would help immensely. I'm having a hard time in deciding if my ex's feelings just got very confused by this other girl and he's just not sure if he loves me or if he really doesn't, please help me figure this out.
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (7 October 2008):
 He broke up with you for another girl. He wants you back now, on his terms, even though the only reason that he wants you back is because the other girl broke off with him. In the meanwhile, he has gotten to unload all of the reasons why he doesn't love you anymore and why he doesn't like sex with you. You want to take him back because you think this somehow will improve how you feel about yourself.
HOW?
By more of the same from him? Honestly, you really need to move on. I think the handwriting is on the wall. You are allowing him to use you like a doormat, Dear. Dump him once and for all and find someone new. You can learn from all of the mistakes that you have made in this relationship. Don't be clingy, whiny or a doormat. Love yourself and do not put up with a partner who treats you badly or with the disrespect that he has shown you. Try reading "Why Men Love Bitches - From Doormat to Dreamgirl - A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship" by Sherry Argov. I'm sure that you will find a few very useful tips in there that will teach you how not to fall into the same trap all over again.
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