A
female
age
30-35,
*ickidallas
writes:I have been dating an older guy for almost a year now, when it first started it was just two people hooking up in the bedroom. I know that it was wrong but we were both having fun and I never thought it would last long or amount to anything. After a few months we both started having feelings for each other and started dating. No one from either one of our families know about our relationship, only a very few close friends do. He is amazing ! In so many ways, we have so much fun with each other, he is funny, sweet and I have never had a guy treat me the way he does. Th eonly issue is our age, I am 22 and he is 34. Last week we went out of town to visit one of his friends that just had a baby and I was taken off guard when he started talking about how he cant wait until "we" have a baby. On the way home he started hinting around that he wanted us to move in with each other. Then yesterday I was looking for a pen in his room and I found a papmplet from a jewlery store with engagment rings in it ! I love him so much but I know that I am not ready for marriage or a baby. should I say something to him. But what do I say with out hurting him. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (22 February 2012):
It was NOT wrong if you were both single and over 18 to be “hooking up in the bedroom” two adults can easily make that decision…. And it’s perfectly fine…
You have a 12 year gap… my fiancé and I started out as FWB and I am a bit more than 13 years older than he is…..
It sounds to me like you two really get along and you really like each other and that is a great thing.. but yes you really need to talk to him and find out what page you are on and what page he is on in terms of the relationship… maybe you feel similar feelings for him but you are just not ready to move in yet…. I totally disagree with Cerberus that moving in comes before engagement… I know plenty of folks that get engaged first…
So if you are even remotely considering having a long term permanent life with this man you need to discuss timetables with him… as it may be that you and he want the same things but just not in the same time frame.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): OP he's 34, he should be mature enough to understand how you feel and also understand that this was always going to be an issue of the age gap.
I have a similar age gap with my girlfriend, these are things I'm just lucky enough not to be the settling type yet.
First set a timeline. Logically moving in comes first, then engagement, then marriage, the kids.
Let him know you're not ready to move in yet and that means you're also not ready for any of the other things.
It took us over 2 years to move in and frankly I think anything under 18 months is too soon.
18 months is the average time for the honeymoon period it's only after that period ends do you discover whether you are truly compatible in the long term.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): Of course you should say something. OP relationships are about communication, you just have "the talk" with him.
Sit him down and discuss where your relationship is at and where you both see this heading. You're together a year you should be able to talk to him about this.
You just tell him you see marriage and children as being something in your distant future. Tell him what you want to achieve first and give him a rough age of when you want all those things done. If you can't think of an age or time frame then just tell him that too.
OP which are you more afraid of? Disappointing him now or waiting until he is on one knee asking you to marry him?
Just have the "where are we going with this?" talk.
It's not as big a deal as you think. Just make sure you let him know that you do see yourself being with him in the future but that you're nowhere the stage in your life where you're ready for marriage or kids, you're still only barely discovering who you are as a woman.
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