A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Is it true that if a guy gets emotional towards you after he dumps you, it means that he still cares about you ?. My ex recently dumped me, but he said some cruel things, so it seems like he hates me, but i read that sometimes guys act like that towards you when they still have feelings for you. It said guys wouldnt bother getting emotional over a break up if they didn't care. I don't udnerstand how guy's minds work !. Can anyone explain it to me ?. He kept asking me to leave him alone too.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): tisha, you are right. that is my question too. i feel so depressed over this ,and it's humiliating too. i can't help blaming myself for it in some ways too. i also keep wishing he would come back to me, although, i don't know why, but it would be hard for me to trust him after something like this anyway.one day, he said he wa going to give me another chance, and lied to me and said that this girl was just a friend, then the next day, he dumped me and told me that they both had strong feelings for each other, even though they have never met and have only spoken online !. we also did intimate things when we saw each other that day, so i am understandably confused and heartbroken. I may have done some things wrong during our relationship too,such as, i didn't see him very often ( and that was the only bad thing i did ) , but i dont think i deserved to be dumped in such a cruel way. i just keep thinking that, if we had seen each other more often, and if he hadnt spent so much time on the computer, this probably wouldnt have happened. he is unemployed, so he spends a lot of time on his computer at home.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2011): There are times in the calculus of a relationship when the equation between two people is no longer equal. If one half of this equation decides that the cost is more dear than the reward, it is their prerogative to leave and start over.It doesn't mean this person doesn't care. People and emotions are not light switches that can be flicked on and off at a whim.It can be harder to walk away from a relationship that is just losing steam than from one filled with hatred and rancor.He may be choosing the better way by cutting his losses and moving on.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (18 May 2011):
 He said he loves someone he's never met more than you? Oh dear. I'm afraid he falls into the "pathetic" category. That means he's not worth one more minute of your time in figuring him out. That's pathetic. Really really sad. Ah well.We're not rubbing it in, OP. You are here asking a specific question. My suspicion is that your real question would read more like: "How do I come to grips with knowing he's dumped me for some online 'love' he's never actually met? It's been a while but it still bothers me!"
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2011): The more you say about this guy the more I think you deserve better than him, I know for definite you deserve better than the way he treated you.There's no need to listen to anything he says anymore, nor worry about it. It's only important to understand that life is too short to worry about guys like him or think for even one moment that it is worth fighting for someone who is that mean and nasty. Regardless of mental disorders. I know some really nice caring people with severe depression and mental disorders that would never take it out on the ones they love.Just know there is life after him and plenty of other guys that can give you the love and the life you deserve. But as Tisha said. Don't ignore the real meaning behind what we guys say. Actions must match words. He says I love you but doesn't act like he does, treats you badly etc. then he doesn't. He says cruel things and acts like he hates you, then you can be sure he hates you. Actions + words = True meaning.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2011): Well i have now. he said that a while ago.and i'm hurt coz he said he loved someone online, who he has never met, more than me. so rub that in too.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 May 2011):
I think Cerberus was giving you the male point of view. I think you are grasping at straws if you hope him saying hateful things to you and telling you to leave him alone means the opposite.My experience with guys is that they are fairly simple creatures, for the most part. You may run into players, and assorted freaks and weirdos, but for the most part, guys are pretty straightforward. If I had had this advice when I was your age, it might have saved me some heartbreak. Here it is: when a guy tells you something about himself that isn't very nice, he's telling you the truth. This is the time when you have to PAY ATTENTION to what he is telling you. Don't try to rephrase it so it fits what you want or what you fantasize about. When he says, "I'm not ready to commit" that means he's not interested in an exclusive relationship with you. When he says, "I'm not looking for a girlfriend" that means he's not interested in being your boyfriend. When he says "I don't see myself getting married" that means he doesn't see himself getting married to you.Take him at his word. He doesn't want to be with you, he wants you to leave him alone. That means, in guyspeak, that he doesn't want to be with you, and he wants you to leave him alone. They are simple, straightforward creatures, men. Bless them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2011): "Cerberus, that was quite harsh, especially as you dont know the reasons behind the break up."Yeah it was OP, I didn't meant to offend. I don't need to know the reasons beyond what you told us in your question."he said some cruel things""it seems like he hates me""He kept asking me to leave him alone too."That is pretty clear to me OP. Nothing mystical or magical behind that in my opinion.In your follow up you gave some very good reasons why you should move on too."he is not healthy in his mind""i know for a fact that he suffers from depression""He has even said sometimes that he thinks i should be with someone more well suited to me, as he put it, and someone who can go out more and make me happy"But here's the clincher "And we have been on and off for a long time."Move on OP, in all this time you've never been able to make it work. Now he dumps you in a very cruel way, gives you no closure and tells you to leave him alone. A person who cares about you would not treat you that way, once maybe as a mistake but over and over again? Nope.Look OP I know it's not as easy as that, I now it's very different when you're living in that situation. The clinging on to every last morsel of hope, the trying to find ways of rationalizing him being cruel to you, the constantly trying to fight to make unworkable relationship with a toxic guy succeed. Trying to find ways of justifying his behaviour so you can find a way to convince him to give it another try, or to wait until he sees "sense". I know how all that feels. But I'm not in that situation right now, I have a clear and objective standpoint here and I see a guy that doesn't want to be with you anymore, I see a guy who wants you to leave him alone and he really couldn't have made that any clearer. Yet here you are looking for people to try and find reason behind what he did, hoping that it's a sign that he really cares, when the reality is you and he just don't work, you really need to so what he said and "leave him alone".Get on with your life and be happy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2011): Cerberus, that was quite harsh, especially as you dont know the reasons behind the break up.Caring guy, i know he is not healthy in his mind. And Abella, i know for a fact that he suffers from depression, as he told me that. But,i'm not sure if that's the only reason that he dumped me. Because of him having depression, i wasn't sure if he meant the things he said, or if he does still care about me in some way, but was trying to hide it. He spends so much time at home. I also like to spend time at home, but i go out a lot more than he does.He has even said sometimes that he thinks i should be with someone more well suited to me, as he put it, and someone who can go out more and make me happy. And we have been on and off for a long time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): Yeah he has feelings for you, feelings of contempt and disgust. Feelings of never wanting you in his life again.
If he cared about you he wouldn't have dumped you nor been cruel nor told you to leave him alone.
OP if you hear the sound of hooves on the road behind you, it's not a zebra.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (17 May 2011):
 If he is feeling emotional and he dumped you then you are correct he has some pain inside at breaking up with you. Sometimes when guys are trying to push away a girl by saying mean things it is just plain cruelty. But occasionally the guy has his own issues. Such as depression. Where he thinks the girl is too good for him. And where he makes a judgement call that the girl could do much better if she had a different guy instead of him.
So he wants to try to get her to leave him. In his mind, it is 'for her own good'.
But he may still love her.
So he tries to make himself unattractive to her. Because if she leaves him then he can feel justified that he was not worthy of her, after all she dumped him? But if that does not work he may have to come up with excuses to justify why he is dumping her. Hence the mean comments.
It would be much better if guys could be honest and say, 'Honey I have all these sad thoughts swirling through my head and I feel so sad, I think I need therapy'
But guys do not always do that. They think they have to fix or solve everything themselves.
Did he act in ways that indicate some sadness? Sleep problems? Becoming quiet or moody? Wanting to be alone. There are so many actions that can suggest depression.
Even if you and he have broken up you can still give him some support. You know him better than anyone. Visit the Citizens Advice Bureau (why do not all countries have the perfect equivalent of your wonderful CAB) and get some materials on Depression. Have a read of those and see if anything 'rings true' of him based on what you observed.
Then ask him out for coffee, and tell him it is only because you have some concerns that you want to discuss with him. If he does seem sadder than you recall, then Try to encourage him to visit his Doctor to be properly looked at. Remind him that you may not be his girl friend any more, but you can still show care for a fellow human being, just because you do care.
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A
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 May 2011):
No. It means he's really someone you need to avoid. Someone who is healthy in their mind, and who therefore would make a good, mature boyfriend wouldn't act like he hates you and ask you to leave him alone.
You need to leave this guy alone - he's making it very clear that he wants to move on from you.
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