A
female
age
30-35,
*oadChops
writes:Hi,I am a 24-yr-old girl who has just been ditched by the guy she's in love with. I am distraught, any help would be amazing.Basically I've been seeing this guy for five months. From the off I told him I wanted to be polyamorous, and that I was also dating a couple. I liked them, but I was closer and more intimate with the other guy. He wasn't 100% happy being polyamorous but said he liked me so much he'd give it a go. I was adamant that that's what I wanted as I didn't feel like being in a serious monogamous relationship. I was as considerate as possible and entirely honest with all my partners.Over the course of five months we've had our ups and downs, but fell in love and saw each other often, texting every day and were incredibly close. Things have been stressful though, but about two weeks ago he sat me down and said he didn't care about the polyamory, he wanted to be with me long-term either way and that he loved me. Since then I have been ecstatically happy and so in love with him. Things seemed great. I wondered if perhaps I wanted to be monogamous with him but didn't want to raise his hopes.Then the other night I went round and he said he needed to talk again. He said he loved me, but had kind of fallen out of love with me because of the stress of being polyamorous. It hit me hard as last time we saw each other we were all over each other and had a wonderful time. He said he thinks we should stop seeing each other except as friends. When we said goodbye he said he was worried he'd made the wrong decision, but was still unsure. We were both in floods of tears.I am kicking myself. I thought being polyamorous would help our relationship as monogamy hasn't worked out for me in the past. I was always very honest and open about it in as considerate a way as I could be. I've realised now just how happy this guy makes me. I am going to break it off with the couple when I next see them as although I'm glad I tried it out, I don't think I can handle polyamory and things have cooled off with them quite a bit anyway (another story). I know it sounds like I've been selfish, but in past relationships I've been a pushover and I was worried that might happen again. I think I went too far with being super-independant though. I miss this guy horribly and I want to be monogamous with him and be in a proper relationship. I am completely in love with him. However I don't know if he'll ever feel the same again. I know I messed up and I feel awful. I thought I was doing the right thing but I was wrong.I was thinking of talking to him and telling him how I feel in a few days when it feels a little less raw.Do you guys think I can win him back if I suggest being monogamous or will that just sound insulting now after all we've been through? How do you think I can do this? I just want to treat him well and have a chance to make him happy.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (9 July 2014):
 In your original post we are under the impression that this guy had never tried polyamory and gave it a go with you. In your update he has only been polyamorous. So there is some confusion here. I think polyamory only works for him as long as the girl is in love with him, feels more possessive of him and feeds his ego while he dates others. It doesn't work when the girl is independent and treats him like an option. Now he is letting go of it suddenly you realize how much a "prize" he is. I might be wrong but it seems like you two want what you can't have.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (8 July 2014):
 I think you might be suffering from unresolved emotional baggage. You're starting to realize that that can be self-sabotaging in the relationship department. You can't live your life thinking all relationships will end up in getting betrayed or dumped or abused. If a past relationship causes you to become someone you're not (you are NOT a polyamorist, I'm sure of that!), then those who inflicted the pain on you have won, because your past still has a hold on you.
Love is a risk. Polyamoury never can mitigate that risk or protect your heart. Being 100% honest is always a virtue in a relationship, but it has to start with being 100% honest with yourself. The couple you were with ended up with you being unfulfilled, empty, alone. You didn't get into that story here, but I wonder if, since you mentioned THEM as the couple instead of you three as a threesome, that you may have felt like THEIR accessory? That's not polyamoury either, but you being used as spice and you having sexual tension relieved by them.
I'm not an expert on polyamoury, but from what I've been told, each person is an equal and integral part of the relationship. Threesome, foursome, fivesome, the intimacy between partners, emotional and physical is strong all around. It's not one person with multiple people servicing the one like in a harem, and it's not a couple adding a third person in the mix with the couple's relationship being the dominant one.
The honesty has to start with yourself. I don't think you were being selfish, but I think you haven't dealt with your past in a healthy matter, and the choices you've made have only served to entrench that pain in you.
Being polyamourous also doesn't mean that you have multiple separate relationships. All that is is being Friends With Benefits out for no-strings-attached sex. Face it! You want the "strings" associated with a bonafide relationship! Your ex-boyfriend wanted the strings too! You're scared of the string because past guys spat on the strings.
Don't let those moron guys take your strings.
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A
female
reader, ToadChops +, writes (7 July 2014):
ToadChops is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks cupids.To the people who have said I'm selfish or that "sex isn't everything" - who said this was all about sex? I actually haven't had full sex with either of the couple, and also all four of us have been tested for STDs no safety is not an issue. This was more about not limiting ourselves to just being in love with one person. I may have been naive, but I wanted to try it or I'd have always wondered. Also the guy has only ever been in polyamorous relationships before me himself and we met in the fetish scene where it is very normal (please don't start making vast generalisations about that too). I don't think insulting people is very constructive. To YouWish, thank you so much for your input. It was very helpful to me.I think you are right that I used being poly as a kind of defense mechanism.Update - He asked to talk to me and said he hadn't been able to stop thinking about me, but wasn't prepared to launch right back into a relatiosnhip which I think is sensible. I am going to break up with the couple later today, and then the guy and me are going to start dating. Slowly. Like, going on dates and seeing how things pan out, with no pressure. We spoke about what we both want in the longterm and it matches up. I'm feeling good about it and I think he is as well.Thanks everyone.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (6 July 2014):
I wouldn't say you screwed up because you told him up front and he tried it. He has to know that polyamory is a phase you go through and it is not in your personality your whole life. Intent in a relationship is important because it's a foundation and it builds trust. Now he sees that your solution to problems in a tradition relationship is polyamory and now your solution to your current problem is breaking off polyamory. We are all learning things together and no one has the answers to everything. What he needs to trust that is you will be able to communicate and resolve problems one on one without going off to other people. I don't know if he is able to see you anew, or if he'd been polyamorous himself. You want monogamy now, but he'd already formed images of you being with another couple. What I know is that when someone proposes polyamory with me and I go through with it, I won't take it seriously when he says he wants monogamy later. I would just say to myself he's fun for me now, I would taste him and if it doesn't go right then at least I've had a good experience. The only way it could work is when both people had polyamory ideas in mind at the same time, or monogamy in mind at the same time. You have to make up your mind at the beginning and not shift gears when it suits you. He can try again with you, but why, when there are girls who do not feel the need to dabble with others?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2014): Hmmm , I don't understand how being polyamoruos helps your relationship if the other partner is not. The problem with polyamoruos people is that they carry their orientation a s a flag. The fact that you were honest with him means nothing in his attitude toward you sleeping with other people. Absolutely nothing!. He wants to be just with you , and this is what he feels. I think the best situation will be for you to find a guy who is EXACTLY like you. And who understands very well what polyamory is. Polyamory is a LOT of work. It absorbs you, your thoughts and doesn't let you live a normal life , doing other fulfilling things. Sex is not everything, you know, though a big part of life but not everything. And if you are preoccupied with feeling of jealousy or trying not feel jealous and be cool about all of it, your life pretty much becomes one big drama and again LOTS OF WORK over this issue. MOST people are not polyamoruos. Most people want to have just that one partner. Many people cheat few times during their lifetime, but still they are not polyamoruos.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000 +, writes (6 July 2014):
 I really feel that there is still hope for you and this guy. Call me Romantic. Maybe I am. Dump the couple. Declare your monogamous love. Become vulnerable and tell him just how much he means to you. I suspect the polyarmory is just a lifestyle you clung to, because you were afraid of true intimacy. Tell him you are no longer afraid. Take the leap of faith and love one person with all your heart. I hope he comes back to you. Remember, he is also afraid of getting a broken heart. You are both in the same boat and you don't even realize it.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (6 July 2014):
Dear OP,
I am very moved by your post, because I can identify with your problem.
I think polyamory is something that might work out when you're in a long-term couple, for years, and you need some new "input" in the relationship, something to open it up again. Like the couple you mentioned. They used you as a way of reviving their relationship, because they are probably not so much in love anymore, more like friends. To have you as a third party might have brought them new desire and fantasies and a way to stay together, while also having the taste of something new.
But for a new love, polyamory is a killer, probably. You start to get attached to one person, you revolve your dreams around someone in particular, there is not much space for other people.
Look, if I was you, I'd break up with the couple. And then just try to win him back. I don't think it will sound insulting to him. Explain how much you love him and how much you feel like it was a mistake, letting him go. If he doesn't want to risk a relationship with you, if it's too painful, okay. But please, make some effort for this, don't already give up. He is special to you. Isn't he? Tell him you will try monogamy for him, tell him everything you just told us. Speak your mind. If it's lost, it's lost, but at least he will know that you're not the super-cool, ultra-independent free spirit that let him go easily. At least he will know the truth about your heart. This is worth something, too.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (6 July 2014):
 Unfortunately you cant have the best of both worlds. You can either have polyamourous relationships which do not involve commitment and deep love or a single partner to love and be committed to. Realistically not many people are going to want a partner they love and are committed to who is spending time sleeping with others.
This guy fell in love with you and wanted you so much he kidded himself he could cope with you seeing this other couple, inside it must have been tearing him apart. Very quickly he got close to you and realized he would be sharing you and couldn't handle it. You perhaps thought this guy would be able to love you and deal with your other relationship when realistically it was never going to happen.
You say that: "I thought being polyamorous would help our relationship as monogamy hasn't worked out for me in the past. I was always very honest and open about it"
Erm how would seeing other people help your relationship? Sorry but to assume that because it hasn't worked out before in a one on one situation that seeing lots of people at once would solve that issue is a strange thing to say. Although open and honest about it, your actions were always going to end in tears with this individual. He loved you! He isn't going to want to share you and have the jealousies, the potential health issues, the insecurity and the wondering as to who you prefer problems that causes.
"he sat me down and said he didn't care about the polyamory, he wanted to be with me long-term either way and that he loved me. Since then I have been ecstatically happy and so in love with him."
Sorry but it should have been clear he was torn between loving you, and not wanting to loose you, and having the insecurity and problems that come with you seeing this couple. How was loving you and being with you long term really going to work if you were seeing others? Sorry if I sound harsh but I think you have both been very naïve.
Polyamourous relationships usually end in tears. Im guessing the couple you were seeing soon started having problems with jealousies and one or the other wondering if their partner preferred you to them? Plus there is the health risks of having multiple partners. In my opinion you took independence in a relationship way too far!
He has to take some of the blame for this. He knew you were keen to see others and he went into this knowing that. When he started developing feelings he should have walked away knowing he couldn't have an exclusive relationship with you but its easy to say that and harder to do when you fall in love with someone.
Personally, and others will disagree, I don't think this guy will ever really feel the same. I don't think its insulting to offer his a normal relationship but after all that's gone before he is likely to find it difficult to open up to you and he is probably going to feel unwilling to let his feelings flow knowing you really enjoy seeing other people.
If you get back together you will probably be wondering whether you are in a normal, non sharing relationship for the right reasons. He meanwhile while be worrying that you are in an exclusive relationship for his benefit.
If its love you are looking for then you need to leave behind these, for the want of a better word, swingers. Instead of enjoying a bit of a relationship with lots of people, work at making it possible for you to have all of a relationship with one person. Very few people have official polyamourous relationships and fewer still make them work.
Mark
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 July 2014):
Being polyamorous has never made a relationship stronger unless both people are entrenched in that as a sexual orientation from the start. Your boyfriend was never disposed to that orientation, and from the more I read your post, I don't think you are either. You made it sound like it was a defensive move designed to try to protect you from being hurt, as you have been in the past. Let me guess - were you cheated on in the past before? That's not polyamoury what those past guys did to you...that's simply being a disloyal cheater.
Your boyfriend said goodbye to you because he has feelings for you, but his values regarding monogamy were at odds with what you told him. He's not willing to share the woman he loves with anyone else, and you being honest about how you felt doesn't make it hurt any less. For the record, you didn't cheat in your relationship, and you were 100% honest. However, I don't think you were honest with yourself, and now you know that in your effort to protect yourself from hurt and possible rejection, you were hurt.
I think you need to tell him what you said here. You need to tell him why you set out to be polyamorous, that you were afraid to be a pushover, that you were afraid that your loyalty would be laughed at, so you decided to preempt it here.
The real bottom line is that you tell him you have been thinking about him, and that you want to be monogamous, that you want to be in a relationship with him and only him, and from here on out, you cut off all contact with any exes or past sexual partners. In short, you offer him exclusivity. If you explain why you tried to be polyamourous in the first place, I think he'll accept that there won't come a time when you get bored with him and take on a lover. Polyamourous doesn't mean selfish cheater. Some people actually make it work, but they are a minority. I personally have only had the pleasure of knowing one couple who were polyamourous with another couple, and I've always been openminded about the beauty of that kind of evolved thinking. However, it takes a special sort, and I personally couldn't be polyamourous. I like the one-on-one.
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A
female
reader, daisicaR  +, writes (6 July 2014):
 You can't have the best of the both worlds. That's very selfish. I think the guy deserve the best, just let him go. You had your chance and you blew everything away because of your selfishness.
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