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anonymous
writes:
I know this is going to sound familiar..but im at my wits end.
I met a man over the internet 3 years ago...he lived in Bristol and I live in Plymouth. We met for the first time in October 2002. He was a student who was studying becoming a Mental Health Nurse. He didnt have much money which was fine with me, because i didnt mind helping out, as I was a PA for a solicitors office. We arranged to meet up every two weeks, he would either come to Plymouth or I would go to Bristol, so out of the whole of last year we only saw each other every two weeks! When we were together everything was great, and a serious relationship soon built up. We had discussed him moving down to Plymouth when he had finished his University course, and he said it would be a good idea. So towards the end of last year he got himself an interview for a local hospital, and got offered the job. Plans were made and he arranged to move down in January 2004. We were going to rent a property together. In December 2003 we went on our first holiday to Dubai...it was amazing..we had a really great time and didnt want to come home...it got even better as he proposed to me on a sand dune in the desert, i wasnt expecting it at all..i was overwhelmed.
Then when we moved in, things started to go wrong. There was a local pub 3 minutes walk from our house, he started drinking up there all the time, so we didnt spend any quality time together. I felt a bit low as I lost my job unfairly back in December 2003, so when we had moved intogether i wasnt working. ALthough i was actively seeking work. My partner kept on nagging me to get a job as he did not want to keep paying all the bills by himself..i felt guilty at this and took a £6000 drop in wage and joined a local company - just so i was bringing in money. The job only lasted two months as the staff were not very nice to work with and I couldnt stand it anymore. Then in May 2004 I broke down, went to the doctors and got signed off with depression and stress...i could not work. This was due to my unfair dismissal in December and with my partners constant drinking obsession. He paid no attention to me and just nagged about having to pay all the bills. I couldnt help the matter. It got worse and worse and I condimplated suicide, which is nothing like me at all, as I am usually very outgoing, and i had never had depression in my life. Sex was non existent as he preferred to beer to me. Arguments happened all the time and i was getting nowhere. He was spending at least £200 a month on beer. I was put on Prozac and eventually after a few months began feeling much better. However, he was still drinkin every day and complaining about the money situation. By this time I was not wearing the engagement ring, as he had told me that due to my depression he did not feel he loved me 100% - and he couldnt help his feelings. He told me i had to come out of the depression my self and no one else could help. I was devestated. He was a mental health nurse and showed me love or support whatsoever. I then got myself a new job and started paying my way again at home. However, he was still drinking every day and not showing me any affection or love....sex was out of the question. I felt alone and unwanted. Arguments still occured especially when he still kept going to the pub. One night he had been drinking for 10 hours and came home plastered. I told him to sleep in the spare room. He woke me up when he got in a chucked aload of rubbish all over my bedroom floor...then had another argument, he came up close to my face and breathed alcholol all over me....then he went to be bed. I had had enough by now and called the police. He was arrested and taken away for the night. Then went to Bristol for a few days and was all sheepish with me, saying he loved me etc. I did not want to leave him as I loved him so much, even though he had put me through hell. I think he loved me too, to a degree.
Its now October (3 months since ive been in my new job and paid by share of the bills at home)..he still drinks everynight and doesnt show me affection. It came to blows last weekend when he went to the pub again and said he would be back in and hour and half, two hours later nothing. I lost it...i went mad and when he got back i said i had had enough. He just remained calm and nothing seemed to bother him. We called it a day over the weekend, but I love him so much i dont want to let him go. Im 34 never married, no kids nothing...im scared of starting over again...and i need help. Ive been crying all weekend about the matter and he just doesnt care. He is 36. Im now beginning to think im never going to settle down and what is the point in living...please help...i dont know who to turn to.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2006): Dump him immediately. You deserve better. He is an alcoholic loser.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2005): You are not alone first of all. I have had 2 relationships, one short term, the other long (and continuing) both with men who are alcoholics.The first man, despite my trying to help and having his child, simply had no intention of giving up the beer, and preferred to hold the beer glass than me or his child and so, after a nasty ending, I did the sensible thing and left. Some men are really just not worth it.However, my current partner, whom I too was engaged to at one stage, but because of trouble also took the ring off, because the meaning of engagement and love (on my side) had gone, are still continuing to fight at it. We moved in together after 6 years, only to split for the last time 6 weeks after that.Since then, he has taken a reality check as he hit rock bottom, becoming homeless and posession-less, and is now a committed member to AA groups (and swears by them), he is also on depression medication as he has found it hard dealing with the man who he now knows he has become, and is desperately trying to make it better between us.I, on the other hand, am taking it a day at a time, agreeing to meet him and let him see my kids (whom he adores and calls his own) and by thinking of the good days when we first met and were so in love and happy, at the back of my mind live in some hope that maybe, just maybe we can get that back... and with the distance now between us, not living together and he realising that I'm in control now, I feel that even if it doesn't happen, I've given it my all.Doesn't matter what age you are, I'm 30 and the thought of finding new love with 2 young children scares the hell out of me, but I have friends who've been in similar situations and they've found their true loves after serious splits and with children in tow. As the saying goes, there are plenty more fish in the sea, just be confident in yourself and that one true fish will find you. Do not settle for second best, we only get one bash at it, so hold out for Mr Right, he will come along.I think you need to talk seriously to your partner about seeking help such as AA for his drinking problem, and even sort out alternative living arrangements between you, as I have found (as have many other partners of drinkers) that as long as you are there to keep picking up the pieces and carrying them in bad times, they will continue to do so as they think you'll always be there no matter how bad they act or treat you.I think this was definitely the wake up call for my partner and at long last he has realised that a life with someone you love is far more fulfilling and worthwhile than a glass of mere liquid!
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