A
female
age
41-50,
*elissao995
writes:Does it make any sense to end a great relationship over marriage? We have a great relationship. We have been together for 6 years and have a daughter. When we first started this relationship I asked his views on marrage, and made it very clear that that was what I wanted. I was not interested in a long term relationship without it. He now is not interested in ever getting married. Atleast to me, although he assures me this is not the case, he just doesn't believe in married. Im not sure I am willing to live like this, nor am i willing to blackmail anyone into it. Does it make any sense to end a relationship, that is great, with children involved, over this? Am I over reacting? I really want to get married, and be a family. What is the right thing to do? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (30 July 2009):
 It sounds as if you are already living together with children you produced together? Is this the case? Please correct me if it is not.
If it is, then I think the issue is what marriage means to him. Specifically, how does he think things will change after he gets married? Is it an issue of his male identity?
Is it the idea of that he is giving something up? Is it some legal issue? What changes for him about the way he related to himself and the way he will relate to you and the kids once married?
Once you know that, you will be able to understand his position, and perhaps work out a resolution.
-Frank Kermit
www.franktalks.com
A
female
reader, kayla20  +, writes (29 July 2009):
 I’d say talk to your partner about what you want and see if you can compromise. If you don’t talk about it then you’ll never resolve anything. To be honest if you’re happy in your relationship then marriage shouldn’t really cross your mind. I know it’s nice to think you’d be a proper family if you were married but it’s just a piece of paper and if it ends in divorce you’ll get half of what is his that’s all. I don’t think this is worth ending a relationship over. However, if you are adamant that marriage is what you want you need to consider your feelings as well as your child’s and have a good think whether you'll be happier starting a new relationship to get what you want.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2009): My apologies. I miss the word "not" between "family is" and "defined."
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2009): Family is defined by marraige, blood or genetics, but by the people who love you and are there for you; make sacfricies for you genuinly care for you and always will.
You already have a family and it would be a shame to end it because you don't have that little ring on your finger. I see your point, i can see that you would want marraige. Every little girl does afterall, but when your daughter asked "mom? why'd you leave? Don't you love daddy anymore?" What are you going to say? That he wouldn't document your relationship? And what example would this be setting for your child? I think, a materialistic one; one that says "don't settle for anything if you're not getting exactly what you want."
You don't love him any less or more because of a certificate do you? He's still the same guy. And where would you find yourself if you left him anyway? Miserable, missing him? Would you really be able to fall out of love wiht him and in love with someone else? I don't know.. to you marriage may be more important than family, but you asked us if it makes sense, and in my opionion, No. It does not. Take care.
~Sy.
...............................
A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (29 July 2009):
 you and your partners view on what makes a longterm relationship if different.
just becoz your not married doesnt mean your relationship is lesser to anyone else's.
however being married is like a contract bond declared formally to one another.
i think if your partner loves you he would marry you, despite whether or not he believes in it.
this is truly upsetting you and you need to make your partner aware how much it means to you.
tell him that altho he may not believe in marriage, you do.
tell him how happy it wud make you to do this act, how it doesnt have to cost alot of money, how your daughter cud be assured people can be happy in marriage commitment by learning from both of you.
dont overreact about leaving him, because finding a good man is not easy.
remain calm, give him a chance and hopefully he will come round.
good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (29 July 2009):
It's a really tough choice. And really it has to be one YOU make.
If there wasn't a child involved I would 100% advise you to walk away and he would almost certainly come running after you with a ring when he realised what an idiot he was being.
But there is always a risk that he won't and if you don't want to be a single mum, you don't want to risk that.
This has to be your choice hun. You could always make it clear that you won't have any MORE children with him since you have no guaruntee that he is serious about staying with you.
At the moment, it seems like you need him more than he needs to marry you. So unless you can come up with something that is NOT blackmail, but is a reasonable precaution, then he is not going to budge.
Good Luck!! xx
...............................
A
female
reader, ZakiJaye +, writes (29 July 2009):
What difference will a piece of paper, a ring and a party really make. The day after your relationship will be just as it is now, no better no worse.
You already are a family, you have what you call a great relationship and a beautiful daughter, that is so much more than so many people, why on earth would you want to throw away all you have over this.
Z x
...............................
|
