A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello auntsI have been seeing someone I have known forever for the past 3 months. He and I get on fabulously well, have fun and the best loving times together - I am smitten. He split up with his ex a year ago after she cheated numerous times. He says she is vindictive and nasty and he no longer loves her. He moved out, and has their 2 children split time. He has been to see about a divorce and she is not coping and tried to give him the kids full time the other day as she said she was a bad mother. He has asked me to be patient and its me he wants and that he is nuts about me. We are due to go abroad next week, have booked flights only, with his brother and his wife. His head is a mess last week I didnt hear from him for 3 days. Not good cosidering 2 wks ago he asked me to be his girlfriend. I text him to say I didnt think me going on holiday was a good idea and that he should go to reflect, sort himself out and give himself a break. He says he is gutted but knows he is a mess and has treated me not so well. I dont feel I want to be on this unless he is sure about me. Have I done the right thing, Im so upset as I love him being around so much. Im thinking perhaps if I step back, stop the contact, if he wants me/ misses me, he will come back to me. Have I done the right thing????
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a break, divorce, his ex, moved out, on holiday, split up, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Share Bear  +, writes (20 June 2009):
Honestly, I think you should talk to him again about this. It does come across that he just went along with your decision not to go, and that he may've just done this as he thought that he was supporting your wishes in this.
Yes, he has a lot to deal with at the moment- but is any of it anything that would actually come between you two? Many relationships do not start in ideal circumstances and still survive- working together through tough times can make relationships much stronger. He may not want to have to deal with the impact of these life changing decisions without you?
Of course, its great that you don't want to crowd him- I bet he really appreciates that!) and he may well be in agreement over the holiday. But I really think that you should talk to him about it again before you officially call it off. Make sure you aren't both just going along with cancelling the holiday because you both think that its what the other one wants.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2009): yes that was me quirklady, I didnt think I put enough in my last question. Im not a nasty person and would never ever expect to come first and I not into playing games either. When I text him (we havent spoken in a week on the phone) to say it wasnt a good idea going on holiday when he is so nuts at the moment, he didnt try and stop me not going and I also think he thinks its a good idea. He knows very well Im really into him and I havent put any pressure on him, but there is no excuse to ignore my message for 3 days (i havent been hounding him). I would love to be there for him but I get the impression that he booked this holiday in haste and just deserves a family break to unpickle his head a little and have some "him" time. I also want to protect myself a little. I need to post his tickets to him - do you think I should leave a little note seeing as some people seem to think I have been out of order??? Please I so appreciate any replies.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (20 June 2009):
 Did you ask a question previously? I think I answered a question for you before in which you said you had texted him with no reply. I want to be sure before I give my answer....
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A
female
reader, Renee okc +, writes (20 June 2009):
I think you have done the right thing he needs to deal with his soon to be ex and get his children situated then that way he can focus on your guys relationship it takes a strong person to make the decisions that you have instead of letting her keep the kids it would probably be less stressful if he kept them full time then he wouldnt have to worry about what is going on with her she probably is tired of being a mother and just wants out but if he wants you then he will reflect and come back if he doesnt do so in a timely manner then move on and try to get over him i hope you are still available when he does come to his senses.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2009): The fact that his divorce is not final would be my major concern if I had one, it is always stressful to have to go through that with someone....he is trying to bring all his baggage on this trip and I don't mean the holiday.
Three months is not that long to be in a relationship with any one, so you don't have any guarantees here that I can see, but if you want to have fun with him and go on the trip then go....it isn't an event that means commitment in a man's mind, it is just a trip.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2009): No, I don't think you have done the right thing. He has his children's best interests at heart and he expects you to understand and be patient while he tries to get their care straightened out with their mother. This isn't his disinterest causing him to back away, but you are showing him that you are not going to be willing to tolerate ever being placed second when he is dealing with his kids, which is not a good sign.
Your complaint is that he backed off and did not spend time with you, so your solution is to cancel the holiday he had planned with you? I don't get it. This was something positive to look forward to, and you are sort of punishing him and for what? Or is it that you fear he is not able to enjoy himself or should even go on the holiday in light of what is going on in his personal life and making that decision for him without discussing it first?
I don't see that he is the one who is creating the distance between you two, but you are.
Does that answer your questions?
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (19 June 2009):
 I think you are definitely doing the right thing. This guy is going through a lot right now. Not only does he have to divorce this crazy woman of a wife and put up with her, but he also has to take care of their kids as well. That's a handful. It's awesome that you guys found each other, but it's kind of a complicated mess right now. Your timing with him is way off. Now isn't exactly the best time for him to be in a relationship. The poor guy has a ton on his plate. I would just step back and maybe reconsider the entire girlfriend/boyfriend thing, at least for a while. Give him the time to get things settled and get his head back on straight first. He deserves it. Once he is healthy and rested, then he can have time for you. AND he'll be able to treat you right. So it's a win-win situation. So back off for a while and maybe share your feelings with him. Tell him that you really want to be with him, but now might not be the best time for the both of you. Which will make things worth the wait! Good luck.
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