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female
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*elieveInLove555
writes: When I step outside myself, the answers to my confusions seem so simple but my heart wants to complicate it. I've been dating this guy, let's call him Jordan, for almost 8mths now. He's 36, I'm 27. I've known him a year and a half. I met him through a club that I worked at and I met him and his new ex-girlfriend at the same time. I befriended his ex and her new man first, since Jordan wasn't around as much. The ex's new man was also Jordan's very good friend and they said to me "don’t tell Jordan". I was more of an acquaintance to him so I thought it best to stay out of their business and let them handle it. Time passes --about 8mths-- and Jordan finds out. At this point, the ex and the friend are living together and engaged to be married. Although the split between Jordan and ex--whom he lived with for 2yrs--was mutual, Jordan was very upset and very emotional over it because he felt like his two best friends betrayed him. Here's where I come in. Having quit the mutual hang-out club and now working for a new club, Jordan and I meet back up on one of my shifts. He's glad to see me, we hug, exchange numbers and emails and plan to meet and hang as friends. At this point, I don't really talk to the ex anymore but I thought it best to contact her and tell her I plan to be friendly with Jordan. She's happy and gives blessings. After 4mths of hanging out, I finally open myself up to let Jordan kiss me. Sparks fly, he's so into me, I'm so into him (we don't have sex yet, things are moving slowly). I had reservations because I thought he may be emotionally unavailable. But he reassured me that he was. Saying he hopes I'm the 'one', wants us to last forever, saying he believes in love, signing his emails "With Love, Jordon", refers to sex as 'making love', tells my friends how beautiful I am, makes plans with me weeks ahead, stays over with me a lot, calls me every day, sometimes more then once a day. I mean, it was perfect. But, I was scared. Scared to give myself to him and I let him know that but I told him that I wanted to be with no one else but him and I was very happy to be together and I always want us on the same page. We didn’t spend every day together either, just the right amount of time. After a while, I opened myself up to him and decided to give him all of me. I felt secure in his feelings for me. I mean, I did it right this time, right?At 8mths of exclusive dating, I meet mom and dad. It went well. A week later he says to me that he doesn't love me (we've never said I love you, we're funny like that I guess) and he was hurt so badly hurt by his ex that he is stopping himself from loving anyone and he is in no hurry to rush things with me. Did I miss something? Now it seems we're headed for a break-up and I'm not sure what happened. He says that he's scared. He doesn't want to cry like he did before. He tells me he never really loved ex, but rather that she was such a good friend that he was so hurt that his two best friends could do that to him. Why would he be so reserved because a 'friend' hurt him? Is he lying and is still in love with her after almost 2yrs? And why was he so into me for the first 7mths and now he wants less time with me? There's no other girl. He just says that he feels like he can't love anyone now because he hasn't properly healed. But then in the same breath he says "I'm glad we got together". I even offered him an out to break up and he hesitated and said he didn't want to. What is going on???
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female
reader, BelieveInLove555 +, writes (11 November 2005):
I already know you guys are right, I am his rebound. And that's what I was afraid of from the begining, I knew that's why he was coming on so strong and I asked him so many times if I would pay the price for his last relationship. I know I should break up with him, but I feel I need to make it through the holidays first. But why didn't we break up when I offered to? I even said "ok, after today, we don't see each other for a while or talk on the phone". He called me that very night! I didn't answer and he sounded so pathetic on the voice mail. "Hey baby, it's me. Just wanted to say hi and see how your day was, blah, blah, blah". We're still not seeing each other but we do talk on the phone. He said he needed his space, I'm giving it to him. He's roommates with his brother who is out of town and he finally has the place to himself for a week and he saying that he realizes how much it stinks to be alone all the time. After all his ranting and raving about how he likes to be alone. It seems that he only gets "claustrophobic" when I want to do something. But he's happy as long as he's controlling the amount of time we spend together. When some event comes to town that he wants to go to he says "baby, we're going to that." But if I do that he says "I don't know. Let me see what I have going on. Pressure, baby, pressure." I think he's rebounding and he has commitment issues because he tells me how relieved he was when him and his ex split up and since his job took him out of town a lot he was able to hook up with a number of girls. They both have the same story where they didn't have sex for months before they split up and they were more like brother and sister. Maybe it's more of a commitment thing then a rebound thing. I think it hurt his pride that she now has the life that her and Jordan thought they were going to have but it's with his friend. It had been 8mths after the split when he found out about the two of them. It hurt him more that they lied to him then anything. He keeps saying that he didn't love her, and I think he believes that, but maybe he's lying to himself. He's upset that he invested that much time in the relationship and she wasn't the 'one'. He's 36 and this 2.5yr relationship was the longest he's ever had. He was ready to call it quits after a year. Commitment problems?
A
female
reader, mommyofthree +, writes (11 November 2005):
 This is a perfect example of a rebound relationship. He may not want to admit it and you may think that things went slowly enough that it's not true but you need to trust me on this one. In the beginning he was all over you, it was great but this was him attatching him self to your relationship in order to get over the hurt from the previous one. He probably does not even see see it. It is sad that you finally let your gaurd down and now you are left open to heartache but it is better now than 2 years down the road when he decides he needs his space. He most likely does still have strong feelings for his ex, that is only natural they had a lot of time invested in one another. His issues with loving someone are to be expected as well. If he really wants to be with you, he will be able to do so after all of his feelings are worked out. That is not to say that it is fair for you to sit around and ride his emotional roller coaster until he finds him self. There are so many men out there, men with out emotional ties. My advice drop him, let him work out his issues and have fun if you find yourselves together again in the future then you know it was meant to be, if not atleast you are not risking your heart any further.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2005): Sound to me like maybe his parents had something to say about the relationship considering the fact that everything was fine until a week after you met them!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2005): He was very hurt by the ex, and he doesn't yet know who he is, what he wants, or even if he can trust his own judgment about women. He needs time, and maybe some counseling to help him heal. The death of a long relationship can be as bad to the survivor as an actual death of a loved one. It takes time to grieve, and grieving people are not in the best frame of mind to make emotional decisions. He is not lying to you when he tells you that he is glad to have you, and he is not lying when he tells you that he does not love you. Right now, he feels dead inside, himself. Contact a funeral home to get a referral to a grief counselor. Or check with your local Mental health office. Relationships take on average 18 months for the person to heal- say from 1 year at the minimum, to 2 years at the maximum. Some people never heal. They need professional counseling the most. Back off, and give this guy some time to be alone, and regain his bearings. He needs to decide what his part in the breakup with the ex was( how much fault was his, or what did he do wrong? ) before he can like himself again. And he has to like himself again as a single person before he can give his heart to anyone else. He obviously thinks you are best thing to come into his life in a long while. He would not have taken you home to meet his parents it this were otherwise. If you can just be a friend, then do so. He will come out of this, but it will take more time. I am sorry that you found him so close in time after his breakup. He is on the " Rebound" always a dangerous time for any new partner. If he does not resolve what part he played in the last breakup, he will drag his problems with the last girlfriend into your relationship. He doesn't want to do that, because you are so special to him. Be a friend, if your ego can stand the distance, and you may be rewarded when he is ready. Good marriages are made between people who are friends, first, and then lovers. Even in the worst of times, they can remain friends.
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