A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I have slept with 7 men in my life and I have only been able to achieve orgasm without any manual stimulation with one of them. I have actually been sexually active for almost a decade and my first orgasm (even when I was masturbating) wasnt until 5 years ago. I had been sleeping with the partner that I finally O'd with and then finally finished while masturbating, then was able to with him but only when I was on top. Since that partner (there have been 3 since) I have not been able to achieve it except through masturbation, and ONCE when my latest partner has gone down on me. Other than that, never. Is something wrong? Is there a way to fix this? I usually fake it, but with the guy I am with now we have talked about it and he is trying EVERYTHING but still nothing. I want to just start faking it again because it is killing his self esteem. How do I fix this? Is this normal?
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orgasm, self esteem Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, cheannryl  +, writes (10 October 2010):
 Hmm..tell him to move slowly,haha.i've tried it and oh it feels wow.dnt pressure yourself,feel him,and thank you're making with the person you love the most.
A
male
reader, happy140 +, writes (10 October 2010):
 “I usually fake it, but with the guy I am with now we have talked about it and he is trying EVERYTHING but still nothing. I want to just start faking it again because it is killing his self esteem.”
My feelings are NEVER fake it, it’s a relationship built on a lie, what if you ever got made and it slipped you fake it or better yet he faked it an was telling you your great but others your lousy?
We (men) need to understand how your body works and then it not that big a deal. Sounds like he needs to understand that in one way he has control over your orgasm if you are orgasmic. On the other the end the entire area is so complex that many, many woman cannot achieve orgasm with stimulation from vaginal or oral sex. My ex was that way, she rarely and I mean rarely has orgasms during sex, BUT, when she had her own time, alone, quite, rested, uninterrupted, no phone, etc, she could orgasm herself. She did tell me one lover made her cum so after explaining things to me I was upset briefly (if he could I can!) but got over it
Men have to understand that yes it can be our fault, but if you tell us its not and explain that, we have to accept it. Try and explain to him just how hard it is to orgasm
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): i am the same way. I can only make myself orgasm. I have to fake it when my bf and i have sex. I try to relax but i just can't. I don't know what it is. I tried toys. talking dirty.... nothing!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): First of all - please don't worry about yourself physiologically. There's nothing wrong and you're perfectly normal. A very large percentage of women can only orgasm through clitoral stimulation.
I think you must be a very sweet, caring person to consider faking it to save your boyfriend's self-esteem. However, that's not a good idea in the long run, because it's likely to lead to prolong the problem - which is going to leave you frustrated. What you need to do is to find a way to relax with your partner and to experiment together until you find a technique that gets you really excited (this might involve him giving you plenty of solo attention first until you climax, and then having sex together afterwards - a lot of couples do this!).
You did the right thing to talk to your boyfriend about this - and it was a brave thing to do also. Keep those lines of communication open, including during sex itself. Offer plenty of encouragement, and plenty of reassurance but also guidance. Since you were able to orgasm previously with oral and manual stimulation, those would be a good starting point. You could also introduce toys to help things along, as this would also help you to discover where you really like to be stimulated. Be prepared for it to take some time - not everyone can orgasm in 5 minutes!
It sounds to me like you're putting yourself under a lot of pressure to climax, and that isn't going to help the situation. I know that the words 'try to relax' are far easier said than done, so my suggestion would be that you try to take the focus off orgasm for a bit, and think more about your general pleasure. Think of it as a series of waves - you're going to try to increase the peak of the wave of pleasure that you feel, but you're not going to worry about where that wave leads you, or its final breaking on the beach!
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