A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm only 20 years old and I don't plan on having children any time soon as I want a career and to focus on myself for the next ten or fifteen years. I'm getting married to an old friend who I've cared very much about for years now and we tragically lost contact due to hard times in my life. We have an old fashioned love story reunion when I finally told him I'd always liked him and he told me he felt the same. We fell in love and have been totally head over heels for the last two years. Now the only thing that bothers me is he doesn't want children. EVER!!! He wants to get a vasectomy. Now I'm going along with the "no kids" things in the hope that he will grow up at some stage and want to share such a special thing with me. Do you think it's immaturity or does he really as he says "hate kids"?I'd love to see the product of our love some day and it does scare me to think about sometimes but I've even considered adopting as my mother was brought up in care. I'd love the chance to give a child a great life - with him!!!!
View related questions:
fell in love, want children Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2008): Do not get married! I was in your situation 10 years ago. We got married, and yes, both of us did not want kids. But as I've reached 30, the urge to have a kid has grown and grown. He, however, still does not want kids. So - after 13 years of knowing each other and being married for 10 years - we are getting a divorce.
Do the hard thing, the right thing, and tell him that you want kids. Then go find someone who does want kids...
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (8 September 2008):
 Do not get married on the hopes he'll change his mind about children. You will look back on your marriage as wasted years and the bitterness will be very hard to swallow. Postpone the marriage until you have truely worked this issue out.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2008): I'm going to be harsh here and hope it wakes you up.
There is only one person in this relationship who needs to grow up and it's you. "Going along" with not wanting kids while secretly hoping for them is like "going along" with being faithful while you plan to hump anything with a pulse.
Think of it this way, in a few years will you change your mind and no longer want children? Will you ever mature into someone who will love him as he is and not what he can put in your womb?
This relationship can only lead to resentment if you stay together. You both need to let go so you find someone to support your baby fantasies and he can find someone who wants only him.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (8 September 2008):
 Few twenty-something men who want a career also want children. They see children as something that keeps them down. Now, thirty-something men might want children. You see things differently when you realize that you won't be around forever, you know? That is why doctors are (or were) reluctant to perform vasectomies in very young men.
I don't think your boyfriend is aware of this. I wasn't when I was his age, and most of my friends weren't, either. We wanted the fun, not the responsibility.
Whether he will change his mind regarding children, no one can tell. As the situation is now, you can either marry him, hoping he will change, or not marry him.
Adoption is not the problem here. He seems not to want any children, biologically his or not.
In any case, it seems like you can wait for a decade. He might not even be around by then. I wish you a happy life, but, let's be realistic; divorces happen.
One piece of advice: if you want a child for the future, don't wait until you're 35 or something. Do it while you're, say, 32, the latest. You will have to be around for your child until s/he's, say, 23, and 32 + 23 = 55. You need to be strong enough to help your children financially by the time they fly off the nest. And, bear in mind you might want to have more than one :-).
Also, if you divorced along the way, and you tried to get someone else to have children, when you're already, say, 35... would many men pick you instead of a 27 year old who also wants children? Brutal truth, but truth, indeed.
...............................
|
