A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:I have been 'dating' a guy for over 6 months now who I really like but it is basically a platonic friendship as he is unwilling to enter into a physical reationship. He says this is because he does not want to have to deal with the emotional consequences of a break-up which he sees as an inevitability of all intimate relationships. He sees us having a lifelong friendship and doesn't want to jeopardise this by having a sexual relationship. He is confident that he is not gay and assures me that he will not be having a sexual relationship with any other women. I think it would be unrealistic for me to suggest that we could have relationship that will never end but I would love to share a physical relationship with him. How can I show him that it is worth having what both he and I deserve?
View related questions:
a break Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2007): maybe he has a ery small penis and he is afraid you will find out ... it happens , you know ..
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2007): I don't know if you can show him, dear. You cannot make a person want to have a sexual relationship.You two are in a fairly new relationship of 6 months. He has stated that he wants to avoid the emotional risks so that could say, as Eve pointed out, that he has been hurt and he is dealing with the baggage. So yes, he could be holding off until he is certain, he wants to share that type of intimacy with you. But I have to say, a majority of men have a difficult time putting off sex. Has he ever told you that sex is something that will come into the relationship eventually? Or is it just simple a 'no go' now and in the future? If it's to be a 'sexless' relationship, and the friendship/companionship of being with him is satisfactory to you, one can carry on. However, I think you want to take it further, so you may have to tell him, that a physically and mutually satisfying relationship is important to you. You certainly would not be in any way, wrong to tell him this.
Now with that said, I am wondering if there may be other reasons, dear. Not sure if the following applies to him but there could be other reasons, for a man's lack of interest in sex. Some men are very comfortable, having relationships with their romantic partner that resemble that of good friends. The contact that they experience in their relationship takes the intimacy level up so high that adding sexual intimacy on top of that feels like an overload to some men. It's somewhat like a 'fear of intimacy' .Though it may be difficult to imagine that a man doesn't actually want sex, it does happen. Another reason is he could possibly have difficulties functioning sexually. Many men who have an ED (erectile dysfunction) or have a problem ejaculating prematurely will avoid having sex with their partner. He may have been deeply criticized for this from a previous partner. It's hard to say. Rather than face what feels like another experience of "failure" or personal embarrassment, some men choose to avoid being sexual at all. Other reasons? Depression, stress, medications, lack of rest, hormonal levels all contribute to a man's lack of interest in sex.
You have to decide what you are comfortable with. If you want a sexual relationship as well and he will not get to that point, then you have to tell him. Sometimes, a visit to a family doctor or getting professional help may help a man get through whatever is causing this problem for him, be it physical or emotional. There are many instances where when dealt with properly, most of these causes of sexual avoidance can be greatly improved and in many cases removed altogether.
...............................
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (6 February 2007):
 This man may have been hurt deeply in the past, hence the reason for his celibacy. For now I would advise you to respect his wishes and continue to be friends with him and let the trust build. You can't force him to move on to intimacy when he doesn't feel the time is right. Any pressure put on him, however well meant will only push him away and reinstil his reasons for abstaining.
It all depends on your feelings for him. He may change his mind once he has gotten to know you better and the friendship grows however, if you feel you can't have just a platonic friendship with him then you need to tell him and withdraw. I would stick there with him though, it's not everyday you hear a man say he DOESN'T want a sexual relationship, it's usually the other way about. Men like this are hard to find and if you are close to him in other ways ie like best friends who can talk about anything and his trust in you builds, then I think he just might come round.
It's entirely your decision though, at least he's been honest and upfront with you.
Eve
...............................
|
