A
female
age
36-40,
*smartyx
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 1 year and 6 months. he works at nights but whenever he has days off he gets up does what he has to and goes off with his mates. I feel he doesnt spend any time with me at all. he's a bit broke at the moment but he stays out till 2-3 in the morning. I tried talking to him, he said he'll change but i dont see no change.Whenever we are in bed.. his sex drive has gone. He cant satisfy me whereas i always do him but i cant tell him i want sex. We dont even snog, just a quick peck.What do i do? I'm so confused and upset.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2010): I don't mean to be harsh with you, it sounds like you have had some problems to deal with and seem quite dependent on your boyfriend and his family as a result. But there are some things you can't ignore here:
1. He hits you. It doesn't matter when or why, he hits you and that is unacceptable. He should not hit people he says he loves, including you. It is not your fault he is abusive, he has a problem and he has to acknowledge that he has a problem and solve it for himself.
2. He hits you because you asking him not to go out makes him angry. Apparently you want him to stay home because he stays out late and has no time for you. So actually he hits you for saying something that is reasonable and that you need and want out of your relationship - time together.
3. This suggests that he is not changing as promised. Realize that he is angry because he does not think you have the right to tell him what to do and he chooses to respond to feeling angry by abusing you. By hitting you he gets to do what he wants and he also lets you know not to push for more things from him, because if you do push him then you know he might hit you again. He is bullying you.
4. A relationship is not about being together all the time, knowing where your girlfriend is at all moments or making it difficult for her to have friends and talk to people - male or female. From what you have said here, he is controlling and only happy when you do what he says while he gets to do whatever he wants. This is a double standard and is unfair on you, but the point is that by doing this he gets what he wants. And as long as he gets what he wants, he will keep behaving this way.
You are at university and are not alone. There is a welfare service that you can get access to and I really think that you should go and speak to them, because you are in an abusive relationship and might need help safely leaving this man and finding a place to live. They can and will help to do that or at least will put you in touch with people who can.
You love him and you think that you can't live without him, but actually you could live without him. What you can't do is change him and what you shouldn't do is let him change you by isolating you and making it difficult for you to be yourself and live your life. I know you don't want to leave him, but if you stay then it will not change. Take care.
A
female
reader, xsmartyx +, writes (20 June 2010):
xsmartyx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe doesnt hit me like very often its like when he gets proper angry coz i tell him not to go out coz i know what he'll do. go out come home late eat den sleep there's like no time for me. he doesnt let me link my friends doesnt like me talking to guys or doesnt like me going out only with him and his mum. i am in uni when he comes to visit me then its oki coz he is with me all the time. but i live with him and his paretns coz i had problems where i lived before for uni.
i have tried to run from him last year but when i moved back he came to where i lived and cried n cried saying ill change but plz plz plz dnt leave me.. u dnt know how much you mean to me and stu. i love him to bits and i cnt live without him. i know he loves me too but his anger is sucha aproblem, not only for me but his parents.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2010): YouWish is right, run far and fast and don't look back. He hits you and you get nothing from him in terms of time or affection. Don't stay out of fear of being alone or not finding another man to marry. It'll be good to get some distance and when you are ready to move on you will find someone better in no time.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (20 June 2010):
 Are you kidding?!??! He's out smoking dope (more expensive than drinking!) and he flies into rages and hits you. What a winner.
What in God's name are you doing with him?! You're talking about getting engaged??? He lives with his parents, ignores you unless he wants his own sex, smokes drugs, and beats up on you, and you want to marry him?!?
Do you have a death wish?? Get the hell away from him or he'll ruin your life and use you for a punching bag. It won't be long until he no longer feels "bad" about it. How can you love a guy like this?!? What's in it for you except black eyes and 2-minute sex that gets him off??
This isn't a matter of forgiveness. Run for your life.
You have been warned. In 5 years, you will be a miserable shell of who you are now.
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A
female
reader, xsmartyx +, writes (19 June 2010):
xsmartyx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for your answers guys. but when he goes out he doesnt drink he smokes cannabis.he lives with his parents. he has such an anger problem that when i do tell him he gets angry and chucks things and sometimes he hits me but then after he feels bad then i forgive him. im totally in love with him and he says he wants to get engaged next year. i have seen his family and his parents also like me.
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A
female
reader, Waiting for an angel +, writes (19 June 2010):
You should have a serious talk with him , and let him know how you feel. Usually when one is in love we try to make time for the other person. But really talk to him and see what the future of your relationship is.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 June 2010):
This guy says he's broke. It's expensive to go out drinking all the time to odd hours. He doesn't care one bit about you. You are there to serve his sexual needs and to keep him from being alone when he's home.
He has plenty of sex drive, but he's lazy and selfish and taking everything from you and giving nothing.
You could talk to him, but it won't help in this case. You need to move on, or you'll be stuck in a miserable rut for every day you're there. You didn't sign up to be his maidservant.
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